The time Danny DeVito made me go to the Mall.

 I went to the gross mall today.   I know, Readers.  I know.  The very word sends a sharp streak of  electric terror down my spine, too.  Maaalllll.  *shiver*.  But  I didn't have a choice. I was cornered.

 This morning, I was sitting in my pajamas and little giant hipstery reading glasses happily drinking my nice coffee & doing a new jigsaw puzzle that I got for a DOLLAR.  NEW.  ONE DOLLAR[1]. 

*heaving*

*too exciting*

*flapping arms*

*breathing into paper bag*

Everything was perfect... when out of nowhere,  the 54 loads of clean, folded laundry in my living room started to move a little.  Then a little more.  Ehhhh?   It was gradually inching its way toward me.  Pulling itself along in my direction, Readers.  Huh?  WHAT IS GOING ON???  Usually when I am creeped out and I am not sure why, I can only draw one conclusion and that conclusion, obviously, is this:

It's that the grudge lady has been pulling herself around through my nice folded laundry, unfolding it and being as spooky as she can be. SHE IS THE FREAKING WORST!

Once I peeled myself from the ceiling, though, I decided that it was not the grudge lady. It must be my imagination.  Just my over active imagination still trying to get over the trauma of watching the grudge like.. 7 years ago.  *checks stairs*  So I scooped it all back up.  Put it back nicely and told myself I would get to putting it away later on.  I gave myself a knowing smile because clearly I was pulling one over on myself.  So I went back to my puzzle, because READERS!  I WAS NEARLY DONE THE $1 PUZZLE!  I was looking forward to being done because I am assembling a care package full of the puzzles I've finished to mail to my Granny.   SHE likes puzzles too [2]. 

But the laundry started inching over to me again while I wasn't looking, because pretty soon, it had made it all the way over to the table and sat down beside me. It wasn't the grudge lady.  No. It was faaaaar worse.  It was more frightening.   It was angry Danny Devito made out of folded laundry. [3]

It wheezed into my ear in its raspy, hypnotic, terrible, laundry Danny Devito voice, "Buy more clothes for your chiiiiiilllllldren.....  You musssssssst.... You MUSSSSSSSST... You GOTTA..........  I'm huuuungry.... Go to the MAAAaaLLLLLL.... *cough* "  (It coughed with a Brooklyn accent)
 

So I said, "You know what, Laundry Danny Devito?  I hate the mall and I'm not going there.  Especially not with a toddler.  Now get back to all over the house"

"But I'm staaaahvin"

"Well that's just too bad, Laundry Danny Devito."

"I need to eat so that I can get beigger and turn into Laundry Robert DeNiro.  Maybe I'll get some better gigs than your stupid blog."

"Hooo Noo you don't.  I saw Cape Fear.  It's bad enough that the grudge lady keeps sliding through my laundry like an evil ghost-slug, unfolding it willy nilly... I don't need my sock pile saying, "Coun-slah" every time I walk by.... waiting for me with piano wire in the dark & recording our conversations.... Do I look crazy to you?"

"Well if you don't go out, you'll have to put me away.  In drawers."

 *bites fist*
*high pitched, suspenseful violin music*

"Hmmm.... you're talking a lotta sense, Laundry Danny Devito...."

"When I'm right, I'm right"

"Eleanore probably needs some new pajamas"

"Pajamas sound nice"

"All right fine.  But just 2 sets of pajamas"

"You got it, Coun-slah.  There's a sale on at The Children's Place.. and that puzzle place has leftover jigsaws from Christm..."

*door slams*

"Coun-slah?"

So you see what happened *pulls collar*, I had to buy some stuff at the mall.    I couldn't just hang around with the laundry all day....  Maybe tomorrow.

 At least the cigars are Cuban.

[1] Shutup.  We've already established that I am 83years old.  I like puzzles, alright?  I ain't afraid of what yous think.   They exercise my brain in new and exciting ways.  The puzzle from today was a picture of a BARN in fall foliage. *squee*  Like I said, it was a dollar.  If something is a dollar, you should buy it, no matter what.  At least i haven't started gluing them together and having them framed yet.


[2]She actually is 83.


[3] Work with me here.

-------------------------------------------------------------

ALSO!  Speaking of DeNiro, I got nominated for a Blogscar (Breathe, Michelle) That is like.. as close as I'll ever get to getting an actual oscar, except for that one time when I almost stole one of Meryl Streep's oscars from her purse at In n' Out Burger in Las Vegas.  (PS.  By Meryl Streep, I mean a very large Hawaiian man and by Oscar, I mean cell phone and by purse, I mean toddler).

So people can like.. vote for me and stuff on Feb 23rd!   OoOoh!  Voting is fun!

Thanks to Sunny for the nomination!

Dear Self

Here's a handy tip: Yesterday's cold coffee goes down the drain and not into the coffee maker's fresh water receptacle. Have fun cleaning it out since you turned it on in your simpleminded stupor and let it singe the coffee into burned coffee mud in the bottom of the incredibly difficult to clean, made-for-water-only boiler.

Thanks. Smells awesome.

Love Self.

PS. You look like hell today. Do your hair.

PSS. Why would I do my hair? because headscarves.

PSSS.. Headscarves, Self? I suppose you're wearing jogging pants, too.

PSSSS... Uh... it's LAUNDRY day.

PSSSSS. Flylady.com says that you should get dressed to your shoes EVERY DAY.

PPPPPPS. We gave up on flylady, remember?

PSPSPSssS.. What's on the toast? Peanut Butter?

PssPPpsppPP... Yep.

PpppPSSSSSSS. Gimme a bite.

Chapter One of my Movie Idea for James Cameron.

I think it'll really tickle his fancy.

Once upon a time there was a tall guy who was a waiter but also he could fly. Sometimes on days when the restaurant was super devilishly busy, he would fly just a little bit- like an inch high or something- so that he could get the food to the people who wanted the food really fast but nobody saw him flying not even his parents. Then he got good tips.

Except once when a very ugly girl saw him hovering auspiciously and she said, "Hey waiter! You are flying! How are you doing that? Also, I want some deep fried pickles and hey, maybe a strawberry milkshake." Because after all, she was there for lunch. So he said, "Hey, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not even able to fly because that would be impossible to the laws of physics and biotic sciences, but I will get you those pickles faster than a bolt of thunder from a storm of speed" but he was lying because he really was secretly flying before but then just landed when the girl said that she saw him (to throw her off his trail) and sometimes he had to lie to protect his hidden identity of someone who can also fly besides being a great waiter. Sometimes also, he flew in front of people a little bit, but then just said he was faking it like Kris Angel.

So then the girl told her best friend who was there too for a while, that that guy was flying food around before and her friend, Jan-eese, said that she didn't believe her wanton claim of flying waiters. The gril was very frustrated because she deeply believed in what she saw. It was truer to her than a million suns of roasting heat, burnishing in her soul.

Then she went up to the flying waiter and said secretly to him that she knew he could fly and that she wouldn't tell anyone else and besides, Jan-eese didn't even believe her and now they were not even best friends anymore because true friends belive there friends no matter what. His mind was shcoaked and awed by her compassionate words of astute tenderness. Nobody ever told him that they would keep it a secret before and he knew he could trust her because of the deep pools of applicable truth he saw deep deep deep in her feminine eyes.

She took off her glasses and shook her head until her golden summery hair fell out of its updo and unbuttoned her shirt two buttons and hiked up her skirt a little, slipping into high heels instead of boring sneakers and then he finally saw that she was suddenly more attractive because he hadn't seen it before because of all the glasses and things disguising her beauty like a hidden leprechaun of winsomeness.


He held her in his brawny, tanned, shirtless arms and said, "It's just us now."
"We're in this together", she said back.
"Forever.", he said after she said her line.
"Always.", she said breathlessly and luridly. And then she gave him an orange that she had.
"Until all the eternal forests fall from the firey death of silver sorrow" He said right into her face.
"Until all deserts fade from the views of winged eagles", she said

Then Meatloaf burst through the wall on his gallant motorcyle and sang, "I would do anything for love" and they slowdanced, ignoring the whole world and all the customers except for Meatloaf. Then he stayed and actually ate some real meatloaf because it was the special of the day.

The mysterious and tall waiter grabbed her face tenderly like a horse-master lovingly stirs toward the face of his prized horse and told her....

"Come with me, I want to show you something." And then they went to the closet at the restaurant and she said, "Wait, are you going to show me your crotch?" and he said no so she said ok. Then he lifted a mysterious bottle of ketchup and the roof in the closet opened and they could fly away in protected secrecy. He gripped her arm and they flew up to the clouds of wondrous strangement and she wasn't even heavy.

"How are you doing this?", she yelled because it was windy and loud and she had to speak up.
"WHAT?" he said because she still couldn't hear her.
"WHY CAN YOU FLY?", she yelled right into his ear so that he could hear her this time. Then he said he didn't know but that her hair was so jaw droppingly windblown and he always wanted to make out with someone with windblown tendrils of blonden locks.

Then he was only wearing skintight jeans, so then she was like, "O.K." and then when they were over the pearly waves of the ocean, they made out passionately and then they saw dolphins jump into heart formations with the spray from their dolphin blowholes spraying into their faces and their wind blown and tangled hair tangling together in tangles of fervish ferver and then she said that she never made out with anyone like that before and he said he knew that. He didn't really know it for sure but it seemed true, he didn't want to hurt his new girlfriend's feelings so he agreed to himself to just let it go. Also his name was Justyn. Then they fed the dolphins some fish that they remembered to bring from the restaurant.

Then they combed out their tangles while they sat on a rock on an island in the ocean that nobody could get to unless they could fly or had access to a helicopter or were really good at parachute landing and decided that they should have a picnic on top of the Eiffle tower the next night. So then he said to meet him in this very spot at 5 pm and they would go so she said ok after they argued about who had to make the picnic. And then they had to go back to their fake lives for the rest of the day.

Then at five o clock, he waited on the rock. He waited and waited but she never showed up. He thought that she must have changed her mind about their love and his heart broke and he said, "Cruel fate! You've taken my love from me. You're forced me into the dark crevice of headlong despair! WHY? WHY was I so selfish about her making the picnic??!? I must throw my body against the rocks of time!" and then he threw himself into the ocean where an octopus ate his legs off, which it turns out he needed for balance when he was flying after all. But really she didn't show up because they forgot that she needed to be able to fly to even get there.

Poor Arlene (That's the girl's name. Arlene.) watched helplessly from the shore, unable to get his attention because she caught tonsillitis that afternoon and couldn't yell loud enough. She ran home as fast as she could and got her seadoo and jumped into the ocean and saved Justyn's life. "I'm sure you'll be able to fly again! They can make a prosthetic jetpack... we'll invent a hover wheelchair" she said. But he just flopped around cermonically unable to find his center. Finally he looked deeply into her eyes and stroked her cheek with his looooooong fingers and said, "Arlene, you are the apple of my life. I will... never.... forget..." and he slipped into a mysterious and dark coma. Then the octopus that ate Justyn's legs tried to jump on her and eat her legs too because he'd been introduced to the fleshy taste of human legs and he LIKED it. So she punched him and all of the sudden she had super strength from being traumatized. That's how it worked, the shock of seeing her flightman crash against the waves released the secret brain chemical into her blood system that gave her super strength and the octopus flew a hundred miles, landing on the deck of the cantankerous Captain Conjuction (to be played by James Woods).....

To be ctd. in Chapter Two where they escape to the Alaskan wilderness and she decides to give Justyn her very own legs.

Yeah. I don't know why you read this , either.

Morning cuteness: is it really real- or what?

The following simulation is something that I like to call, "If Neil had cameras installed inside of his eyeballs/Angel of the Morning."

Psst... Neeeeeillly...

HooOoooOooNeyyyyyyy...


Psssst *tap tap*


Oh Neeeeily...



Wakey wakeeeeey....

Psssst, Honey! It's Moooooorniiiiing!



Good morning, Darling, did you sleep well?


Oh, you didn't? What racket? I slept like a new baby lamb.


Nope, didn't hear a thing. Nope, nothing at all. Totally dead to the world. See? My pillow is saturated in drool even! YAAAAWN... Such a sound sleep I had...


Who me? No I don't talk in my sleep.. perhaps I snore a titch...


I said what in my sleep?


OMG, I should write that crazy s%$# down.
Why yes, I am of partial British Ancestry. Yes, and French... You knew that about me already... Did you have a bad dream or something?


Why do you ask? Voulez vous desire la cafe or something? A spot of tea whatwhat? Is that why you're asking, Neil? Is it?


HmmMMMM? Is it?


Ehhh? You want some delicious tea, do you? Or some coffee?


Just a sec... Could you just.. just scratch that itchy spot..... I'll scratch yours.. Yeah, my arms are still numb from laying on them. Nope, I have totally useless arms just now. That's great. Just great.


Thanks hon. What's that? no I can't sleep in make up.


Yeah, it clogs your pores... TERRIBLE idea, unfortunately.


You what? You got me something? You are too good to me, Neily.


Vitamins, huh? Oh you got me some... "Morning... Glory...Ladee's beauty vitamins.... You think I need these...... no? Okay, *phew*."


Are they holistic, Darling? I bet they're just as helpful as punch.


So what have you got planned today, my dear?


Oh, you're in a hurry to get to work, eh? That's a pity. Give us a kiss then... Oh that big of a hurry huh? A big meeting, have you, Sweetest?


Well then, I'm off to have a coffee & a little splash of makeup. Yes, I promise to take the vitamins... Off you go!


Let me just...*if I can just swing these sleepy old legs around...* go have a look at the damage first...

Some of my thoughts, each in 140 characters or less from this week. A summary.

Weekends are slow, what with all of you having such exciting things to do... so why not lazy out with a twitter summary?

• I .have. a. typewriter. in. my. possession. HAPPY DAY!
• So I burned an actual hole in the ceramic top of my stove. It doesn't mean I can't cook.
• Dear Cadbury Mini Eggs, Get in my belly.
• Saw 2 accidents, a woman laying in the middle of the street, gave away a typewriter and paid for a stranger's parking. Weird day.
• Why don't convenience stores deliver? Hm? Sounds like inconvenience stores to me.
• My son is pretending he's a big ball of armpit hair.
• I found a raspberry seed in my hair. This after a lice notice from the school. Nothing is scarier than the idea of having lice. *jeebity*
• I dreamed that I fell into the ocean and nearly drowned because I wouldn't let go of my iron & it pulled me down. IRON? Do I even own one?
• Also, I took a huge risk today and waxed my own eyebrows. Both remain intact! Success.
• I've rolled up 4 rims and not won a thing. WHY DO YOU MOCK ME, TIM HORTON'S????
• Whatsherface in the blue bikini looks like a 3 day old mozzarella cheese stick. #survivor
• Toddlers are not very good at taking care of laptops.
• Saw STOMP. Was pretty awesome. I want to break my garbage cans.
• Wait... I DID break my garbage cans already. With my car. Stomp never did THAT. I rule
• Apparently we're going to be watching, "Manswers."
• Why do I want to see hot tub time machine so badly?
• I'm pretty confident that Kevin James will be getting that Oscar for his inspiring portrayal of Paul Blart, Mall Cop..
• I don't understand what makes a grown person start a twitter account for their cat... and then pretend to BE the cat.. and they are serious.
• It enrages me. The End.
• If my cat ever starts a blog, it'll be about being a total whore.
• ZOIKS. See? Every time I rant about something, 22 people come out of the closet of their own weirdness.
• I would be getting a tattoo right now but the shop is closed???

**Also, Readers, Kirstie Alley talked to me because I told her that she was funny because nothing she says makes sense 96% of the time. Then she tried to explain something she had said. I dunno what she was getting at, but that makes me pretty much the best supporting actress in "Look Who's Talking". Not to mention that yesterday, we looked over into the car next to us in traffic and there was Don Cherry. For real. He was even wearing the cartoon tuxedo that he always wears to games. Now I can say that celebrities swarm me all the time. Back off, celebrities. I need my space. Concentrate on your jobs.

I was thinking

You know, for all the stupid ideas that I come up with and actually tell people, there are at least 987932346636.7 extra, extra, extra stupid ones that even I go, "like, what are you doing, Self? Go do the dishes. We both know that will never work out, secondly you can't even shoot fire out of your eyes. So move on, Self. Sure, it'd be an interesting art project to sneak alligators into strangers' homes, hide, and take pictures of their reactions, but let's not tell anyone that you thought of that while you were blow drying your hair, okay? They don't understand your genius and I don't think they're ready. Also, you live in Canada, where are you going to find alligators in January? At the reptile Zoo? No I don't think they let you borrow them. No not ever. No, not even on your birthday. No I don't think the reptile zoo will help you do this. Put down the phone."

So then I say to Self, "Look, Self, you self righteous bastard, the world turns on ideas, okay? I have to contribute to the turning of the world, otherwise gravity will get all screwed up and everyone will fall off Terra Firma... unless we all had world handles to hang onto. We'd have to make lots of them so that people could get from place to place. We'd develop pretty strong arms. We'd probably eventually evolve a little... but what would we do with the babies? would we have to strap them on papoose style?"

Self: Did you just say, "Terra Firma AND world handles??"

Me: NO. I thought it. And then I wrote it and I fully intend to click the publish now button when I'm all done here.

Self: Alright. Go read a book.

Me: I have been. Remember? I've been reading Chuck Palahniuk books. They're all kinds of weird.

Self: you're weird.

Me: And hungry. Time for some toast and jam.

Self: OooooH! Homemade raspberry!

Me: Let's Go!

Self: Hurrah!!

Something like that. So all 68 of you may be surprised to find out that I'm actually kind of a freak (let's say rare gem instead). Sure, you think about me all the time and imagine what it's like to meet me and get my autograph but please keep in mind that on the day the world gets to meet me and I have my fancy roboto-throne, that I'm just a person like you: thinking thoughts so stupid that I can't even tell anyone about them. Right?

Also, look what I made today:

Annnnnnd publish.

Ultimate Fitness.

To hell with bootcamp and 'actual', 'balanced' workouts, try doing 300 rockette style can-can kicks in your living room. I thought this would a pretty easy challenge (Yes. I thought of the challenge myself. How could you tell that I didn't get it out of some kind of thick, fancy fitness book?). Well, it turns out that I can do 50 pretty seamlessly, then I have to go get a popsicle and drop onto the floor, heaving with drooly foam lathering and bubbling in the corners of my mouth and down my neck (What I mean by "I can do 50 pretty seamlessly" is that by kick number 30, my leg starts going perceptibly lower and I have to stop myself from bending forward to do full body, toddler-style soccer kicks). That's not good, right? I'm pretty sure that the key to ultimate fitness is to be able to do 300 of them without stopping.

Everyone needs to have goals. I like to do this with my living room curtains wide open in my fleecey Walmart lip-print pajamas so that I can really impress my neighbors. "This is a great neighborhood", they'll say to one another.

You know and I know that you're going to try it. I foresee a new olympic eveeeEeent!

The time Yoda was heaping mountains of mental battery upon me in Chapters.

So today at Chapters, I was sort of minding my own business, perusing the advanced literary genius books when I heard some audible warbling... Someone was reading out loud. Fine. Someone must have just been reading an interesting passage to their shopping partner, right? WRONG. SO WRONG. This grown person was reading a magazine OUT LOUD in the store; all by them self. Just sitting there on the leather ottoman reading away an article in a magazine for the world to hear without even flinching. WELL. This is unacceptable behavior. Completely unacceptable.

So I got a little closer to have a listen, perhaps this person had found some kind of important article about the world's impending doom that must be given attention. Nope. It was an article about 'TWILIGHT' *shudder*. EwWWwwwwww. I was overcome with self righteousness and had to stare at her back from my little nest of books in the genius section. I stared DAGGERS at her. DAGGERS, you guys.

The imaginary conversation I had with her is as follows and is hence forth to be acted out by lego men in the medium of photographic storyboarding. She being Lego Yoda (in her ugly orange sweater) and me, The Lego Princess Leia (in her limited vestments). Here is how it all happened in my sophisticated mental faculties:

YODA: ...blah blah... release for NEW MoOn will be less than a MONTH away... *more muttering about Rob Pattinson* something something, collector's edition...

ME AS LEGO PRINCESS LEIA: HEY YOU! You are supposed to twitter with your Macintosh Apple Iphone, Jackass! *snicker snicker* Not OUT LOUD to strangers. And guess what? There appears to be nothing wrong with you apart from the fact that you're reading People magazine OUT LOUD to nobody. *snicker* So what's up with you, FOUR EYES? Get it? It's funny because you have glasses. Well you would if it was the real you acting this out and not Lego Yoda, who does not wear glasses, nor can I make any as I am out of pipe cleaners AND twist ties. *cough*

YODA: Huh? I can't afford an apple iphone.

ME AS BEAUTIFUL, SLIM LEIA: "Waaah... I don't have an apple IPHONE"... OH kvetch kvetch kvetch. That just makes you inferior and laughable (however somewhat lovable). Don't you even watch the apple advertisements? We "Mac" geniuses are cool and all down to earth and calm and helpful about every single thing on earth and wear practical, yet stylish blue sweaters all the time and you "non apple supporting people" are frantic, out-of-touch-with-couture twits. Hello?? Are you listening to me? It's even been recorded by the media? Besides, if you look at what I'm possibly going to be purchasing, you'll be embarrassed at yourself to see that it's an interesting glance at the common misuses of English grammar *chuckle*. Hilarious stuff. And you? Cultureless CELEBRITY RAG? Your so simple. Must be nice.

STUPID LEGO YODA: HA HA HA. You just said, "your", instead of, "you're" which was completely grammatically inappropriate.... And you fancy yourself a Grammar Stickler...*chortle*

LEIA THE TANTALIZING: What? No.... I didn't. I couldn't have.

YODA THE YODELING YAKHERDER: Yes you did.

LEIA THE SMART AND BRAVE: What are you even talking about, outloud-reader-to-nobody person? Your not making cent's.

YODA THE HUGE BULLY: You're doing it again. Your grammar is atrocious.

LEIA (the melancholy): STOP IT! STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

CHAPTERS FLOOR MANAGER: AW hell. YOU AGAIN?! I'm going to have to ask you to leave again, MICHELLE. Hand over the Starbucks cups.

LEIA: Um, I think you're confused. My name is Lego Princess Leia.

Floor Manager: Look, Freak- we've already contacted the police. I don't know how you slipped past security, anyway. Must be the clever disguise.

The REAL Princess Leia: You won't get away with this. You're wrong. You're ALL WRONG!!! YOU'LL SEE!!! AHAahahHHAhahahahahHHHAA!!

Then I swing away into the city on the spideywebs which I can shoot out of my wrists, pursuing the trail of Yoda (the lone outloud reader), who has slipped away unnoticed, of course.

Until next time, Lego Yoda... Until next time...