Why not challenge yourselves, Starbucks?

Is Trenta really enough, Starbucks? 31 oz of coffee is the best you can offer?? Guffaw. How about Fois Gras size it? I think you should consider putting in fois-gras style coffee bars! You could put your customers in a squeeze so that they can't move while you force a spigot down their throats and just fill them up to the point of vomiting with coffee! Then, if a customer does barf, they can just get back in line. It's fast, it's beyond full portion, it's litter free! (Not to mention everyone will grow a gloriously huge, delicious liver!)


The next time I go to Starbucks, I'm just going to have them fill up my purse.


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Just... Zombie Movies *sad violin music*

I broke up with my coffee maker last night. We had a huge fight and I kicked it out. It was not living up to its end of our arrangement where it would make coffee for me every day and I would drink it all. Well, I feel a little guilty leaving it now, as it had become terribly incontinent- but this could have all been avoided if it had just done its coffee maker kegels regularly like I kept telling it. I even gave it literature to read on the importance of coffee maker kegels, and I ran a white vinegar wash with a double water rinse through it regularly to keep it in tip top condition but it was lazy & ungrateful, so all that precious silken sunshine coffee was just spilling all over the floor, wasted. Such a shame for such a young coffee maker with so much potential. We both cried and I agreed to let it take Neil's favourite office chair and some of the canned goods so it could make a good go of it. I wished it bonne chance and told it that I was sure that the garbage men would take it home. It was a kind lie.

So I'm in market for a new coffee maker. I'm on the fence over whether I want a ye oldie percolator (best coffee possible, but a pain in the arse) or maybe the kind that you set a timer for and coffee is already made when you get up in the morning, or maybe a tassimo... nah, those are too fancy. Orrr, do you know if there is a coffee machine called the super-pneumonic-coffee-O-tron? If so, point me that-a-way. I'm looking to move on up.

The time Yoda was heaping mountains of mental battery upon me in Chapters.

So today at Chapters, I was sort of minding my own business, perusing the advanced literary genius books when I heard some audible warbling... Someone was reading out loud. Fine. Someone must have just been reading an interesting passage to their shopping partner, right? WRONG. SO WRONG. This grown person was reading a magazine OUT LOUD in the store; all by them self. Just sitting there on the leather ottoman reading away an article in a magazine for the world to hear without even flinching. WELL. This is unacceptable behavior. Completely unacceptable.

So I got a little closer to have a listen, perhaps this person had found some kind of important article about the world's impending doom that must be given attention. Nope. It was an article about 'TWILIGHT' *shudder*. EwWWwwwwww. I was overcome with self righteousness and had to stare at her back from my little nest of books in the genius section. I stared DAGGERS at her. DAGGERS, you guys.

The imaginary conversation I had with her is as follows and is hence forth to be acted out by lego men in the medium of photographic storyboarding. She being Lego Yoda (in her ugly orange sweater) and me, The Lego Princess Leia (in her limited vestments). Here is how it all happened in my sophisticated mental faculties:

YODA: ...blah blah... release for NEW MoOn will be less than a MONTH away... *more muttering about Rob Pattinson* something something, collector's edition...

ME AS LEGO PRINCESS LEIA: HEY YOU! You are supposed to twitter with your Macintosh Apple Iphone, Jackass! *snicker snicker* Not OUT LOUD to strangers. And guess what? There appears to be nothing wrong with you apart from the fact that you're reading People magazine OUT LOUD to nobody. *snicker* So what's up with you, FOUR EYES? Get it? It's funny because you have glasses. Well you would if it was the real you acting this out and not Lego Yoda, who does not wear glasses, nor can I make any as I am out of pipe cleaners AND twist ties. *cough*

YODA: Huh? I can't afford an apple iphone.

ME AS BEAUTIFUL, SLIM LEIA: "Waaah... I don't have an apple IPHONE"... OH kvetch kvetch kvetch. That just makes you inferior and laughable (however somewhat lovable). Don't you even watch the apple advertisements? We "Mac" geniuses are cool and all down to earth and calm and helpful about every single thing on earth and wear practical, yet stylish blue sweaters all the time and you "non apple supporting people" are frantic, out-of-touch-with-couture twits. Hello?? Are you listening to me? It's even been recorded by the media? Besides, if you look at what I'm possibly going to be purchasing, you'll be embarrassed at yourself to see that it's an interesting glance at the common misuses of English grammar *chuckle*. Hilarious stuff. And you? Cultureless CELEBRITY RAG? Your so simple. Must be nice.

STUPID LEGO YODA: HA HA HA. You just said, "your", instead of, "you're" which was completely grammatically inappropriate.... And you fancy yourself a Grammar Stickler...*chortle*

LEIA THE TANTALIZING: What? No.... I didn't. I couldn't have.

YODA THE YODELING YAKHERDER: Yes you did.

LEIA THE SMART AND BRAVE: What are you even talking about, outloud-reader-to-nobody person? Your not making cent's.

YODA THE HUGE BULLY: You're doing it again. Your grammar is atrocious.

LEIA (the melancholy): STOP IT! STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

CHAPTERS FLOOR MANAGER: AW hell. YOU AGAIN?! I'm going to have to ask you to leave again, MICHELLE. Hand over the Starbucks cups.

LEIA: Um, I think you're confused. My name is Lego Princess Leia.

Floor Manager: Look, Freak- we've already contacted the police. I don't know how you slipped past security, anyway. Must be the clever disguise.

The REAL Princess Leia: You won't get away with this. You're wrong. You're ALL WRONG!!! YOU'LL SEE!!! AHAahahHHAhahahahahHHHAA!!

Then I swing away into the city on the spideywebs which I can shoot out of my wrists, pursuing the trail of Yoda (the lone outloud reader), who has slipped away unnoticed, of course.

Until next time, Lego Yoda... Until next time...

Poorman Starbucks Revisited.

Another frugal option is to visit a Starbucks and pour all of the delicious empties you can find into one cup and ask the barista to microwave it for you. Top with your own whipped topping and sprinkles. Voila. You are a trendy starbucks haver.

Waste not want not. Sneaky, eh?

Now read the post below this.

Poor man's Starbucks- WITH RAINBOW SPRINKLES.

.
Yeah. I can't afford to have Starbucks' giant lattes for all of my daily meals. But here's a trick for you broke and/or lazy people who don't wanna go allLLlllLll the way to whichever of the thirty-two Starbucks Franchises that are 8 feet away from any of your given doorways..


Here's what you need:

• A Starbucks instant Bold Italian coffee packet thingy (I know, you all have a love-hate thing with this stuff. I love)
• 8 oz boiling water
• A sprinkle or two of actual pumpkin pie spice. The spice, not the $78,646,872.67 syrup from Starbucks. You can get it at the grocery for like a dollar and it will last until you die.
  
• A can-o-whipped cream.
• Rainbow Sprinkles. Because you have to one up Starbucks if you're gonna fake it. They NEVER give you rainbow sprinkles.
• However much sugar & cream/milk/whatever you usually like.

Then you mix them all. Except the whipped cream. You spray that on top of the coffee and then directly into your mouth. Then you eat the whipped cream from the coffee and spray more onto it. Repeat.

**dramatization**

It is remarkably similar to a pumpkin spice latte. I'm such a shiester! Also, you could totally put booze in this. I've always thought that pumpkin spice lattes were missing wild turkey. It's very Thanksgiving-y. And they just always give you those funny looks when you whip a mickey of whiskey out of your diaper bag right in the Chapters Starbucks, then ask you to leave. Ha Ha just kidding. It's easier at home, is what I'm saying.

SEE?? I save you people money. And what thanks do I get? huh? NONE. Unless you thank me, then I'll get me some thanks alright.

Also, look to your right and up a little to find my NEW poor advice column!! Great idea, eh? I know... K... pressing questions are onnnn their way... any second... desperate readers will click there...... ---->