The time Danny DeVito made me go to the Mall.

 I went to the gross mall today.   I know, Readers.  I know.  The very word sends a sharp streak of  electric terror down my spine, too.  Maaalllll.  *shiver*.  But  I didn't have a choice. I was cornered.

 This morning, I was sitting in my pajamas and little giant hipstery reading glasses happily drinking my nice coffee & doing a new jigsaw puzzle that I got for a DOLLAR.  NEW.  ONE DOLLAR[1]. 

*heaving*

*too exciting*

*flapping arms*

*breathing into paper bag*

Everything was perfect... when out of nowhere,  the 54 loads of clean, folded laundry in my living room started to move a little.  Then a little more.  Ehhhh?   It was gradually inching its way toward me.  Pulling itself along in my direction, Readers.  Huh?  WHAT IS GOING ON???  Usually when I am creeped out and I am not sure why, I can only draw one conclusion and that conclusion, obviously, is this:

It's that the grudge lady has been pulling herself around through my nice folded laundry, unfolding it and being as spooky as she can be. SHE IS THE FREAKING WORST!

Once I peeled myself from the ceiling, though, I decided that it was not the grudge lady. It must be my imagination.  Just my over active imagination still trying to get over the trauma of watching the grudge like.. 7 years ago.  *checks stairs*  So I scooped it all back up.  Put it back nicely and told myself I would get to putting it away later on.  I gave myself a knowing smile because clearly I was pulling one over on myself.  So I went back to my puzzle, because READERS!  I WAS NEARLY DONE THE $1 PUZZLE!  I was looking forward to being done because I am assembling a care package full of the puzzles I've finished to mail to my Granny.   SHE likes puzzles too [2]. 

But the laundry started inching over to me again while I wasn't looking, because pretty soon, it had made it all the way over to the table and sat down beside me. It wasn't the grudge lady.  No. It was faaaaar worse.  It was more frightening.   It was angry Danny Devito made out of folded laundry. [3]

It wheezed into my ear in its raspy, hypnotic, terrible, laundry Danny Devito voice, "Buy more clothes for your chiiiiiilllllldren.....  You musssssssst.... You MUSSSSSSSST... You GOTTA..........  I'm huuuungry.... Go to the MAAAaaLLLLLL.... *cough* "  (It coughed with a Brooklyn accent)
 

So I said, "You know what, Laundry Danny Devito?  I hate the mall and I'm not going there.  Especially not with a toddler.  Now get back to all over the house"

"But I'm staaaahvin"

"Well that's just too bad, Laundry Danny Devito."

"I need to eat so that I can get beigger and turn into Laundry Robert DeNiro.  Maybe I'll get some better gigs than your stupid blog."

"Hooo Noo you don't.  I saw Cape Fear.  It's bad enough that the grudge lady keeps sliding through my laundry like an evil ghost-slug, unfolding it willy nilly... I don't need my sock pile saying, "Coun-slah" every time I walk by.... waiting for me with piano wire in the dark & recording our conversations.... Do I look crazy to you?"

"Well if you don't go out, you'll have to put me away.  In drawers."

 *bites fist*
*high pitched, suspenseful violin music*

"Hmmm.... you're talking a lotta sense, Laundry Danny Devito...."

"When I'm right, I'm right"

"Eleanore probably needs some new pajamas"

"Pajamas sound nice"

"All right fine.  But just 2 sets of pajamas"

"You got it, Coun-slah.  There's a sale on at The Children's Place.. and that puzzle place has leftover jigsaws from Christm..."

*door slams*

"Coun-slah?"

So you see what happened *pulls collar*, I had to buy some stuff at the mall.    I couldn't just hang around with the laundry all day....  Maybe tomorrow.

 At least the cigars are Cuban.

[1] Shutup.  We've already established that I am 83years old.  I like puzzles, alright?  I ain't afraid of what yous think.   They exercise my brain in new and exciting ways.  The puzzle from today was a picture of a BARN in fall foliage. *squee*  Like I said, it was a dollar.  If something is a dollar, you should buy it, no matter what.  At least i haven't started gluing them together and having them framed yet.


[2]She actually is 83.


[3] Work with me here.

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ALSO!  Speaking of DeNiro, I got nominated for a Blogscar (Breathe, Michelle) That is like.. as close as I'll ever get to getting an actual oscar, except for that one time when I almost stole one of Meryl Streep's oscars from her purse at In n' Out Burger in Las Vegas.  (PS.  By Meryl Streep, I mean a very large Hawaiian man and by Oscar, I mean cell phone and by purse, I mean toddler).

So people can like.. vote for me and stuff on Feb 23rd!   OoOoh!  Voting is fun!

Thanks to Sunny for the nomination!