Fizzy Raisin Hooch Yeast. You know you want to look.

I am up to some bread hijinks.  That's what passes for excitement for me right now.  Bread.  Hijinks.  For Science. 

So I've been watching some youtubes about baking.  I'll tell you,  Readers, you get some fancy ideas when you go on a late night youtube trip that begins with stupid Michele Bachmann montages; carrying through to Jon Stewart arguing with Glenn Beck; then onward-ho to evolution arguments and talented dogs with a finish, obviously on bread recipes (with a little of this and a little of that thrown in for good viewing measure).  Youtube is a strange animal.  It placates me and puts me into a hypnotic, vapid state; for youtube hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.  Or something.

In any case, one youtube video resulted in me making THIS:

Raisin Experiment Day 1

Day 2.  OMG. 

This, everyone,  is future natural bread yeast- from raisins.  RAISINS.  Shut up, you guys. Let's all just accept that I know it looks like a jar of something digested and that raisins are gross to begin with.  That is beside the point here.  Anyhow, I didn't know it would get that sick looking.  The point is that they are raisins and they've begun to float; which is apparently a crucial sign of success in the process of turning raisins into bread yeast according to the lady on youtube (who doesn't speak English but whatevs).

I am so excited that the raisins are floating.  Aren't you? 

And you know, you guys, if this works, I'll never have to pay $3 for a year's worth of store-bought yeast again!!  The savings!  Plus it's a little bit sciency and I am about 8000% sure it will result in some remarkably ugly bread.  Until then, I have to wait for the raisins to fizz which I guess takes 7-10 days.  Then just 7 more days of letting it ferment into raisin hooch yeast.  Let the good times roll.  

So anyway, that isn't all, you guys.  I am ALSO trying out a new bread recipe (also found via a weird youtube/google blend), which you may be stunned to find out, calls for neither oil nor sugar.  If you are some kind of kitchen genius with mad bread skillz like me, you will understand why this is baffling.  Firstly, I've never made bread without these 2 ingredients and Secondly (and mostly), why would anyone make anything without oil and/or sugar?  Like seriously.   I am finding out.  So far it IS raising and it does look like Michael Moore which, in the world of bread dough, is good I guess.

Actual photo. 

I don't know why I need to photoshop celebrities onto my bread, you guys.   It is not something that has been diagnosed yet.   You just enjoy it and stop asking questions.  

Nevermind the Bollocks.

YEAH when I draw squids, they look like peeners.  I tried to avoid it, my circumspect READERS.  But it was so eloquently pointed out *snicker..pointed* when I'd hoped that nobody would notice. 

"NooOOooo... they won't say your cave squid looks penisy, Self. It's barely noticeable. They know you'd never try and draw penii and put them on the internet.  Your readers know you, Self.  They know you have a very sharp and pristine mind.  You were raised better than that."

JUST NEVER MIND, SICKOS.  It's nature.

I guess I'm just like Walt Disney, sneaking phalluses into all of my drawings.  Look it up, you guys.  It's the truth that Disney Studios put peeners in almost all of their movies.  I live with an animator, he confirmed this truth.   It's because I'm practically in the Freemasons now.  I'm verging on becoming Becky.  Totally by accident. 

Anyhow, I'm right now trying to get out of my house, but everyone keeps migrating back to their screens of choice.  I wanted to go pick up some magnetic discs and stuff and a glue gun so that we could make robots but apparently I'M the only one who thinks that would be an awesome idea.  Mine would probably look like a big tin can of a tallywhacker anyway.

Here is a quick story:  I went to my friend's birthday party on Saturday and she made me have too much scotch.  She made me.  What a bad friend.  I came home with a fancy shoebox full of the following things:  A turkey baster (shaped like a turkey), some books, a bluray of Alice in Wonderland & my ukulele.  I hope I didn't steal any of those things.   Well not my ukulele, obviously.  The shoe box was noticably missing shoes.   I also remember making a mental note to add all of the people I met at the party on facebook, but come morning, it seemed less of an excellent idea.  Also, I didn't feel very good on Sunday.  Scottish Flu or something.  Here is the only photo I took.

Basically I'm doing everything wrong, but everyone seems to have gathered at the front door, so I will have to continue this epic blog entry later.  In the mean time, enjoy these arsty photos that I took:

I took this photo earlier this winter.  Snowy.  Snow on the hood of my car that day.  

At a local sweets shop.

A wicked lightning shot I took when I was visiting Alberta last summer.

At the pier.

Amazing mast. 

A beautiful sunny morning at a campsite we stayed in. 

Ok, I have to stop this now.  My reputation is going to be ruined.

Stop looking at my Tortilla.

Are you Ready? Because Dum dada DUUUuuuUUm......

Tada.

The most unflattering photo of all time has been taken of me, thanks to Neil's photography skills and trained artist eye! Thanks Neil. Thanks.

So I went to a zombie themed dinner soiree dressed as a zombie-bitten surgical nurse, so what? Who doesn't do that sometimes? What do you think I do in my spare time? Huh? Scrapbook? Not likely. Not that I don't think your scrapbooks are really well glued or anything. It's just not my thing.

So anyway, there was some magical pink hummus there and I'll just let you know that it tasted pretty awesome, as you can see from this photo that Neil snapped of me enjoying it. I am working pretty hard here to get the entire tortilla shoved into my face without worrying too terribly much about my dignity. Surgical Zombie nurses don't have any dignity.... Don't want to miss any of it, there, Self. Good Job. (Thanks. ) (You're welcome)

Anyhow, since this is easily one of my most unflattering shots, including my post-partum Shuswap beach photo set of 2003, I slapped that baby up on facebook for everyone to admire. Since then, I've been going back to it and saying to myself, "Self," I say, "How much worse could this even be?" How much better? Time for some photosciencesorcery!" So I went to work, finding out some answers and here are my results:

How would I look if I was Kelly Clarkson in this photo of me with a brain-hummus tortilla chip hanging out of my face? Like a rockstar, pretty much. Nice corset, Self. Thanks, it's not really mine. Oh? Yeah, it's Kelly Clarkson's. Well it's pretty slimming. That's because it's a corset.. it has fake whale bones in it. Uh huh..uhuh....I see.... That's a tiny jacket, huh? *awkward silence* Yeah, Self. It's the style.

This photo almost exactly depicts the mood of the evening, if it had been a business stock-photo shoot, which is wasn't- so stop asking so many questions. Just back off, I'm trying to do something here.

Kewpie dolls are basically the cutest things you can get. Their webbed groins obviously don't even ruin their cuteness, because who's even looking, right? Not me....but this photo of my face even ruins Kewpie. Amazing, eh?

Totally even ruins a Jolie-Pitt baby. Unbelievable.

I think it kind of suits the Sarah Palin one. Spewing pink hummus/getting North Korea & South Korea confused. Whatevski. Oh hey- Sarah Palin/PARASAILIN' Get it? You just kind of mix up the letters there and you get "parasailin" from.... uh.. nevermind..

Can it even ruin Princess Leia's metal bikini? Hello. Yes it can. But who's looking at my tortilla anymore? Me. That's who. Gross. Stop it. Stop, I'm not even listening to you. *lalalalaaa*

This one actually isn't photoshopped. That's just me on my hope-mobile, wheelin' through a playground is all.

Kittens are cute, right? WRONG.




Well that was pretty fun. Try not to all fall in love with me at once. Take turns. Pace yourselves. Stay hydrated and all that.

Rollins Reduced, Reused, Recycled and Recovered. Well not really reduced. The opposite of that.

Alright, this was supposed to just be my project 365 photo, but it kind of turned into a good blog entry... so I'm pasting it over here with bonus information; I generally like to keep 365 succinct- except this once. Not all of you follow my 365 (BASTARDS! I mean, hey- that's okay, you have a lot of blogs to visit. I totally understand. *teeth grind*), so I thought I'd talk about it here. Plus here, I can post the ridiculous photo I took of Henry Rollins because it's not against my weird personal 365 rules that are forever changing and making me paranoid.

Breakfast! Also, you will notice a stamp on my lovely manhand (probably, there won't be offers of hand modeling gigs pouring in after this) from the Henry Rollins spoken word tour, a show that I went to yesterday thanks to friends, Janet & Steffan! (Who I now owe a sock beast) It was fantastic. Ironically, Ann Coulter was speaking at another event in town. OH to have those two in a room together! It's the only way I'd pay to see Ann Coulter, the she-devil (unless is was a mean spirited roast or public head-shaving, I'd totally go to that). Anyhow, I got a message to be AT the venue immediately if I wanted to go, and I did my best to materialize on the spot with zero speeding tickets. HENRY ROLLINS? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!?!

The show was 3 hours, spoken word. Kind of like a motivational sermon from an Icon of Punk. And he was really great, very interesting, outspoken and dammit, he was right about things. I was particularly impressed with his story about the time he walked directly up to Than Shwe's Limo and flipped him the bird, 5 inches from his face for being a conniving and cruel despot. It was so brilliantly American and reminiscent about why we like having our neighbors to the south. Props, Americans!

The message: Feed your own mind, question what you're told and don't be a jerk to people, mixed in with some colorful anecdotes and opinions. It was an eclectic potpourri of his ideas that ranged from football/people watching parties at William Shatner's house to human rights and filesharing music with remote teenaged Sri Lankans, self education and why it's okay for him to teach your children to shove beans into their sinuses, the internal struggle that stemmed from his guest judging RuPaul's drag race and the fact that every nation is full of the same humanity & vulnerability and we don't have to be afraid of badguys all the time- but don't take his word for it, go see for yourself. A well rounded show, is what I'm saying.

I took one super crappy picture that made Mr Rollins look like one of those Halloween-Leaf-Bag people doing the robot... from which you could argue that it was a setup and that I didn't see Mr Rollins at ALL because clearly I went to see a bag of leaves with a tape recorder in it.. or that I am just crazy, so I opted for a hand-stamp photo instead for my photo of the day. We can't have anyone questioning my sanity now, can we? No questions about it; it's questionable. >:D That's how I like to keep it... But I still like the hand stamp picture better.

The stamp reads, "Spectra Sonic". I kind of wish it was a tattoo.

Morning cuteness: is it really real- or what?

The following simulation is something that I like to call, "If Neil had cameras installed inside of his eyeballs/Angel of the Morning."

Psst... Neeeeeillly...

HooOoooOooNeyyyyyyy...


Psssst *tap tap*


Oh Neeeeily...



Wakey wakeeeeey....

Psssst, Honey! It's Moooooorniiiiing!



Good morning, Darling, did you sleep well?


Oh, you didn't? What racket? I slept like a new baby lamb.


Nope, didn't hear a thing. Nope, nothing at all. Totally dead to the world. See? My pillow is saturated in drool even! YAAAAWN... Such a sound sleep I had...


Who me? No I don't talk in my sleep.. perhaps I snore a titch...


I said what in my sleep?


OMG, I should write that crazy s%$# down.
Why yes, I am of partial British Ancestry. Yes, and French... You knew that about me already... Did you have a bad dream or something?


Why do you ask? Voulez vous desire la cafe or something? A spot of tea whatwhat? Is that why you're asking, Neil? Is it?


HmmMMMM? Is it?


Ehhh? You want some delicious tea, do you? Or some coffee?


Just a sec... Could you just.. just scratch that itchy spot..... I'll scratch yours.. Yeah, my arms are still numb from laying on them. Nope, I have totally useless arms just now. That's great. Just great.


Thanks hon. What's that? no I can't sleep in make up.


Yeah, it clogs your pores... TERRIBLE idea, unfortunately.


You what? You got me something? You are too good to me, Neily.


Vitamins, huh? Oh you got me some... "Morning... Glory...Ladee's beauty vitamins.... You think I need these...... no? Okay, *phew*."


Are they holistic, Darling? I bet they're just as helpful as punch.


So what have you got planned today, my dear?


Oh, you're in a hurry to get to work, eh? That's a pity. Give us a kiss then... Oh that big of a hurry huh? A big meeting, have you, Sweetest?


Well then, I'm off to have a coffee & a little splash of makeup. Yes, I promise to take the vitamins... Off you go!


Let me just...*if I can just swing these sleepy old legs around...* go have a look at the damage first...

Hide your calculators when you park.

One good thing about living in this city is that the gangs are not terribly deadly, however there have been a few reports of drive-by auditings and booger flickings & fart jokes have been on the rise, especially with the early spring. So I like to stay on guard at all times.

Here, you can see a spectacular nerd gang flocking toward a rare female nerd who is interacting with them. Shhhh... The male with his jacket collar turned upward, Teenwolf style seems to be the alpha and obviously the most dangerous and attractive to the female. I can hear him now, telling her how many monsters he's slain in World of Warcraft before his horrible Mom made him go take out the garbage. If she doesn't knock it off, he's totally going to get his own apartment.... "No WAY Dude, Did you tell her that??" "No, but I was gunna.."

In fact, just today when we were at the park, there were white-out bottles, empty asthma puffers strewn around and just lines and lines of syntax spray painted all over the sidewalks. It's how they mark their territory. Don't let their lack of guns fool you, though, because you just never know when you'll get home with a nasty post-it note stuck to your back if you nettle them or take too long at AtomicComikz.

I had to take this photo in secrecy with my telephoto lens to avoid being gang-nerded.