Morning cuteness: is it really real- or what?

The following simulation is something that I like to call, "If Neil had cameras installed inside of his eyeballs/Angel of the Morning."

Psst... Neeeeeillly...

HooOoooOooNeyyyyyyy...


Psssst *tap tap*


Oh Neeeeily...



Wakey wakeeeeey....

Psssst, Honey! It's Moooooorniiiiing!



Good morning, Darling, did you sleep well?


Oh, you didn't? What racket? I slept like a new baby lamb.


Nope, didn't hear a thing. Nope, nothing at all. Totally dead to the world. See? My pillow is saturated in drool even! YAAAAWN... Such a sound sleep I had...


Who me? No I don't talk in my sleep.. perhaps I snore a titch...


I said what in my sleep?


OMG, I should write that crazy s%$# down.
Why yes, I am of partial British Ancestry. Yes, and French... You knew that about me already... Did you have a bad dream or something?


Why do you ask? Voulez vous desire la cafe or something? A spot of tea whatwhat? Is that why you're asking, Neil? Is it?


HmmMMMM? Is it?


Ehhh? You want some delicious tea, do you? Or some coffee?


Just a sec... Could you just.. just scratch that itchy spot..... I'll scratch yours.. Yeah, my arms are still numb from laying on them. Nope, I have totally useless arms just now. That's great. Just great.


Thanks hon. What's that? no I can't sleep in make up.


Yeah, it clogs your pores... TERRIBLE idea, unfortunately.


You what? You got me something? You are too good to me, Neily.


Vitamins, huh? Oh you got me some... "Morning... Glory...Ladee's beauty vitamins.... You think I need these...... no? Okay, *phew*."


Are they holistic, Darling? I bet they're just as helpful as punch.


So what have you got planned today, my dear?


Oh, you're in a hurry to get to work, eh? That's a pity. Give us a kiss then... Oh that big of a hurry huh? A big meeting, have you, Sweetest?


Well then, I'm off to have a coffee & a little splash of makeup. Yes, I promise to take the vitamins... Off you go!


Let me just...*if I can just swing these sleepy old legs around...* go have a look at the damage first...

Today is the DaaAAaaaaY

Inglourious Basterds is going to be on Pay-per-view as of today!

I never did get to see it in the theatre and I have been pacing around, mumbling to myself and worrying ever since. Now, I've built it all up in my head and might have impossible expectations. I must ready myself. I must make haste. I must prepare the snacks, because come 8:35ish o'clock tonight, I will be gussying myself up with lipstick and an assortment of other beauty accoutrements, then plunking myself down in front of the tube and fixing my eyeballs upon the screen, perhaps weeping a little in anticipation. I will gently dab away the tears, reattach my false eyelashes, bat them a few times and breathe a sigh of relief.

So if any of you ruin it for me, I will be a troll on your blog forever. Don't tell me anything except that you LOVED it so much. I don't care if you're a liar. Lie to me. Don't try and sound smart, unless you're telling me how awesome the movie is without giving me a single hint or detail or bit of information to be 'ready for' or any such other clue. I don't want to be ready for a great twist, I don't want to know that it's kinda gory... etc etc. I want to find these things out on my own. I can totally take it. I don't want to know what your favourite bit was. So stop crawling all over me, trying to give away all the best parts already. Get ahold of yourself, don't be that person who can't stand it if they don't get to tell you that they KNOW about the exciting twist and have to tell you it's there - but they'll "NEEEEEVER tell you what is IIiIIIiiIIiiiIIsSSssSS!" as they froth and spit all over themselves with the excitement of knowing there is a twist. Then I sit there and guess at what the twist will be the whole time and I'm usually right. Just keep your composure, please.

I will decide later if I'm going to buy it (I am, I can just tell that I am). I am curious to find out if it's as awesome as Zombieland, which is one of the new greatest movies of all time. Imagine if they combined the two and then made them 3D... whoa. I could totally be a movie mixer for my new big timey job. For example:

Gone with the Wind + A fish called Wanda= The Wind smells like Fish....or The Wind called Wanda is Gone with the Fish, Wanda called the fish then wind blew her skirt over her head? The fish has Wind? All great title ideas. Hellooo! John Cleese would make a far superior Rhett Butler. You know it, I know it. Clark Gable is up in heaven smacking his head as he reads this blog and realizes it. Even now, he might be asking God to go back in time, make the movie in the 70s instead and give the job to Cleese. I know I am. Jamie Lee Curtis could totally pull off Mammy. Kevin Kline could be Ashley. Oh Ashley! Vivien Leigh could stay Scarlett... even though she died in 1967. They can do amazing things with animatronics these days.

That right there is enough to put on my curriculum vitae. The bigwig CEOS will probably want to make me the head of the career department at the working place. I'll tell them that I need time to think it over because commuting to a job isn't really what I had in mind, unless they want to put a helicopter pad on my roof. Then I'll finally have that Michellicopter I've always dreamed of, with a banner that reads, wheeeeeeee (and never gets caught in the propeller).

Also, I got a new coffee maker.

More book store frugality (is that a word? Yes it is. Yes it is. Is too.)

One day, when I'm ultra famous, this play that I've just painstakingly written will be played in the great playhouses all over the world:

Me: I'd like to return this book.

Clerk: Okay, is there a reason?

Me: It's tripe.

Clerk: You've read it?

Me: Um... if I've read it, can I still return it?

Clerk: Have you?

Me: Hm? Um.... Noooo.

Clerk: Then why are you returning it?

Me: Um.. I don't like the cover.

Clerk: That's not a valid reason.

Me: It's haunted... I mean it was a gift from one of my stalkers. It would be inappropriate to keep it.

Clerk: Your name is on the receipt.

Me: I have 8 more of them. That's too many.

Clerk: Lady, this isn't a library.

Me: I know. It's even better- there is coffee here.

Clerk: There are 43 people waiting behind you.

Me: They probably bought this stupid book, too and want to return it, because it's lousy. I mean- I didn't read it and they probably didn't either.

Clerk: You know what? Fine. *chaching*

Me: Sucker. I totally read it.

Clerk: *rolls eyes*.. I know.

---------------------six minutes later---------------------

Me: Hi. I'd like to buy this book.

Clerk: History of Madness, huh?

Me: Here is Neil's rewards card. That's 10% off for me, right?

Clerk: Are you Neil?

Me: ... Yes. I am. I'm Neil. I have hairy legs and sometimes I wear a kilt. I'm a college teacher. I mean professor. I like homemade muffins.

Clerk: Uh huh... And you'll leave after I do this?

Me: For now.

Clerk: Excellent.

Me: Which days do you usually work?

Clerk: You should get a library card.

Me: Nah. I can't be bothered to return the books... too many fines. Ech.

The Walmartian Abduction Risk (and pet alligators)

I basically live in crippling fear of being featured on the People of Walmart blog. I loathe Walmart as it is, but sometimes I have no choice. Like if twilight posters or glue on googly eyes are on sale or something, and I'm making googly eyed twilight crafts that day- I have to go. I'm chained by price rollbacks like a pet alligator on a leash. "Sure I'm here. I'm going to bite your knees off in a minute th....OOoOoh! Are those Mr Clean Magic Erasers really only 99 cents??? Oh, I'd better get loads!". Then live in self loathing for the rest of the day, with the magic erasers spread around me like ill begotten blood money. "WHAT HAVE I DOOOOOOOONE???? I said I'd never do this again! I'm sorry family and loved ones. I am sorry", as I scrub and scrub and scrub away the dirty feeling.

But what if one day, I realize that I have to go there at like 11 pm and I'm already in my purple velvet mini skirt and "Git r Done, America" sleeveless denim print work shirt tied at the midriff and the only shoes I can find are my white, thigh high, vinyl, six inch, high heeled boots with extra zippers and my pink feathered shabby cowgirl hat that I bought out of a trans-am on the side of the highway one day when I was driving to the country fever beaver festival with my internet cousin, Starla_Dawn58 and what if our beat up old truck broke down with nary another traveller in sight? Then what if we spotted the man with the black t-top trans am selling his wares, thinning & worn out sandy mullet blowing in the wind, wrangler jeans, the crater in his shirtless pigeon chest collecting morning dew as he lay on the hood of his spectacular hot rod?.... Then the punishing decision... should I buy the rose/kitten print, beadazzled, artfully shredded and beaded t shirt.. or feathered cowboy sunhat...? Or should I just cut the legs off of my white nylons and wear the gusset on my head? What if that happened?



And then what if I have to hurry because Walmart is closing and I'm never going to make it on time so I just throw on a Lucky Charms Members only jacket and head on over. And then what if someone takes a photo of me and decides that it should go on the Walmartian website? I will be soooo mortified, you guys. I wouldn't even have time to mace them.


But for real. What if I pass out from Sprawlmart/McDonalds fumes one day and fall into one of their clothes racks, get tangled up, come to and stand up only to realize that a pimp did my make up while I was passed out and I'm all surrounded by fizzy mouthed Walmart paparazzi and BINGODAMMIT- a picture of me tangled up in tube tops and green checkered jeans ends up the internetz.

I hope that doesn't ever happen.

I got a new haircut

And here it is on Mr T:

And here it is on the Godfather:

And here it is on a smoking supernerd:

Looks pretty nice, eh? And yes, you're absolutely right, I DID go with a darker shade of blonde this time. Yes, those are caramel highlights, too. Good eye, Reader.