Stop looking at my Tortilla.

Are you Ready? Because Dum dada DUUUuuuUUm......

Tada.

The most unflattering photo of all time has been taken of me, thanks to Neil's photography skills and trained artist eye! Thanks Neil. Thanks.

So I went to a zombie themed dinner soiree dressed as a zombie-bitten surgical nurse, so what? Who doesn't do that sometimes? What do you think I do in my spare time? Huh? Scrapbook? Not likely. Not that I don't think your scrapbooks are really well glued or anything. It's just not my thing.

So anyway, there was some magical pink hummus there and I'll just let you know that it tasted pretty awesome, as you can see from this photo that Neil snapped of me enjoying it. I am working pretty hard here to get the entire tortilla shoved into my face without worrying too terribly much about my dignity. Surgical Zombie nurses don't have any dignity.... Don't want to miss any of it, there, Self. Good Job. (Thanks. ) (You're welcome)

Anyhow, since this is easily one of my most unflattering shots, including my post-partum Shuswap beach photo set of 2003, I slapped that baby up on facebook for everyone to admire. Since then, I've been going back to it and saying to myself, "Self," I say, "How much worse could this even be?" How much better? Time for some photosciencesorcery!" So I went to work, finding out some answers and here are my results:

How would I look if I was Kelly Clarkson in this photo of me with a brain-hummus tortilla chip hanging out of my face? Like a rockstar, pretty much. Nice corset, Self. Thanks, it's not really mine. Oh? Yeah, it's Kelly Clarkson's. Well it's pretty slimming. That's because it's a corset.. it has fake whale bones in it. Uh huh..uhuh....I see.... That's a tiny jacket, huh? *awkward silence* Yeah, Self. It's the style.

This photo almost exactly depicts the mood of the evening, if it had been a business stock-photo shoot, which is wasn't- so stop asking so many questions. Just back off, I'm trying to do something here.

Kewpie dolls are basically the cutest things you can get. Their webbed groins obviously don't even ruin their cuteness, because who's even looking, right? Not me....but this photo of my face even ruins Kewpie. Amazing, eh?

Totally even ruins a Jolie-Pitt baby. Unbelievable.

I think it kind of suits the Sarah Palin one. Spewing pink hummus/getting North Korea & South Korea confused. Whatevski. Oh hey- Sarah Palin/PARASAILIN' Get it? You just kind of mix up the letters there and you get "parasailin" from.... uh.. nevermind..

Can it even ruin Princess Leia's metal bikini? Hello. Yes it can. But who's looking at my tortilla anymore? Me. That's who. Gross. Stop it. Stop, I'm not even listening to you. *lalalalaaa*

This one actually isn't photoshopped. That's just me on my hope-mobile, wheelin' through a playground is all.

Kittens are cute, right? WRONG.




Well that was pretty fun. Try not to all fall in love with me at once. Take turns. Pace yourselves. Stay hydrated and all that.

Chapter One of my Movie Idea for James Cameron.

I think it'll really tickle his fancy.

Once upon a time there was a tall guy who was a waiter but also he could fly. Sometimes on days when the restaurant was super devilishly busy, he would fly just a little bit- like an inch high or something- so that he could get the food to the people who wanted the food really fast but nobody saw him flying not even his parents. Then he got good tips.

Except once when a very ugly girl saw him hovering auspiciously and she said, "Hey waiter! You are flying! How are you doing that? Also, I want some deep fried pickles and hey, maybe a strawberry milkshake." Because after all, she was there for lunch. So he said, "Hey, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not even able to fly because that would be impossible to the laws of physics and biotic sciences, but I will get you those pickles faster than a bolt of thunder from a storm of speed" but he was lying because he really was secretly flying before but then just landed when the girl said that she saw him (to throw her off his trail) and sometimes he had to lie to protect his hidden identity of someone who can also fly besides being a great waiter. Sometimes also, he flew in front of people a little bit, but then just said he was faking it like Kris Angel.

So then the girl told her best friend who was there too for a while, that that guy was flying food around before and her friend, Jan-eese, said that she didn't believe her wanton claim of flying waiters. The gril was very frustrated because she deeply believed in what she saw. It was truer to her than a million suns of roasting heat, burnishing in her soul.

Then she went up to the flying waiter and said secretly to him that she knew he could fly and that she wouldn't tell anyone else and besides, Jan-eese didn't even believe her and now they were not even best friends anymore because true friends belive there friends no matter what. His mind was shcoaked and awed by her compassionate words of astute tenderness. Nobody ever told him that they would keep it a secret before and he knew he could trust her because of the deep pools of applicable truth he saw deep deep deep in her feminine eyes.

She took off her glasses and shook her head until her golden summery hair fell out of its updo and unbuttoned her shirt two buttons and hiked up her skirt a little, slipping into high heels instead of boring sneakers and then he finally saw that she was suddenly more attractive because he hadn't seen it before because of all the glasses and things disguising her beauty like a hidden leprechaun of winsomeness.


He held her in his brawny, tanned, shirtless arms and said, "It's just us now."
"We're in this together", she said back.
"Forever.", he said after she said her line.
"Always.", she said breathlessly and luridly. And then she gave him an orange that she had.
"Until all the eternal forests fall from the firey death of silver sorrow" He said right into her face.
"Until all deserts fade from the views of winged eagles", she said

Then Meatloaf burst through the wall on his gallant motorcyle and sang, "I would do anything for love" and they slowdanced, ignoring the whole world and all the customers except for Meatloaf. Then he stayed and actually ate some real meatloaf because it was the special of the day.

The mysterious and tall waiter grabbed her face tenderly like a horse-master lovingly stirs toward the face of his prized horse and told her....

"Come with me, I want to show you something." And then they went to the closet at the restaurant and she said, "Wait, are you going to show me your crotch?" and he said no so she said ok. Then he lifted a mysterious bottle of ketchup and the roof in the closet opened and they could fly away in protected secrecy. He gripped her arm and they flew up to the clouds of wondrous strangement and she wasn't even heavy.

"How are you doing this?", she yelled because it was windy and loud and she had to speak up.
"WHAT?" he said because she still couldn't hear her.
"WHY CAN YOU FLY?", she yelled right into his ear so that he could hear her this time. Then he said he didn't know but that her hair was so jaw droppingly windblown and he always wanted to make out with someone with windblown tendrils of blonden locks.

Then he was only wearing skintight jeans, so then she was like, "O.K." and then when they were over the pearly waves of the ocean, they made out passionately and then they saw dolphins jump into heart formations with the spray from their dolphin blowholes spraying into their faces and their wind blown and tangled hair tangling together in tangles of fervish ferver and then she said that she never made out with anyone like that before and he said he knew that. He didn't really know it for sure but it seemed true, he didn't want to hurt his new girlfriend's feelings so he agreed to himself to just let it go. Also his name was Justyn. Then they fed the dolphins some fish that they remembered to bring from the restaurant.

Then they combed out their tangles while they sat on a rock on an island in the ocean that nobody could get to unless they could fly or had access to a helicopter or were really good at parachute landing and decided that they should have a picnic on top of the Eiffle tower the next night. So then he said to meet him in this very spot at 5 pm and they would go so she said ok after they argued about who had to make the picnic. And then they had to go back to their fake lives for the rest of the day.

Then at five o clock, he waited on the rock. He waited and waited but she never showed up. He thought that she must have changed her mind about their love and his heart broke and he said, "Cruel fate! You've taken my love from me. You're forced me into the dark crevice of headlong despair! WHY? WHY was I so selfish about her making the picnic??!? I must throw my body against the rocks of time!" and then he threw himself into the ocean where an octopus ate his legs off, which it turns out he needed for balance when he was flying after all. But really she didn't show up because they forgot that she needed to be able to fly to even get there.

Poor Arlene (That's the girl's name. Arlene.) watched helplessly from the shore, unable to get his attention because she caught tonsillitis that afternoon and couldn't yell loud enough. She ran home as fast as she could and got her seadoo and jumped into the ocean and saved Justyn's life. "I'm sure you'll be able to fly again! They can make a prosthetic jetpack... we'll invent a hover wheelchair" she said. But he just flopped around cermonically unable to find his center. Finally he looked deeply into her eyes and stroked her cheek with his looooooong fingers and said, "Arlene, you are the apple of my life. I will... never.... forget..." and he slipped into a mysterious and dark coma. Then the octopus that ate Justyn's legs tried to jump on her and eat her legs too because he'd been introduced to the fleshy taste of human legs and he LIKED it. So she punched him and all of the sudden she had super strength from being traumatized. That's how it worked, the shock of seeing her flightman crash against the waves released the secret brain chemical into her blood system that gave her super strength and the octopus flew a hundred miles, landing on the deck of the cantankerous Captain Conjuction (to be played by James Woods).....

To be ctd. in Chapter Two where they escape to the Alaskan wilderness and she decides to give Justyn her very own legs.

Yeah. I don't know why you read this , either.

What a thing of beauty, huh? (or Foghorn Leghorn full of Grace.)

MmmMMmmm...

I violated it with bread just this morning and put it in the oven. It's always kind of embarrassing stuffing a turkey, like I feel like I should have gotten written consent before stuffing my hand in it's cavity, or that a nurse should be present or something to make sure I'm being professional and it feels as comfortable as possible while it's little turkey legs are up in the little tiny stirrups, waiting for the invasive procedure. Poor turkey. But I always make sure I thank the turkey for letting me shove it's butt full of bread and onions and seasoning and such. It's Thanksgiving, after all. I think the turkey would be happy to be violated for my dinner AND excellent blog. Looks good, huh? Sure dooooes. That is unless you're a vegetarian. If you are, you're probably all grossed out and like:

"AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Or something.

PS. Thanks to Michael for the clever Foghorn analogy. I need it to be a real movie. Follow Michael on Twitter AND youtube. Do. It.

I got a new haircut

And here it is on Mr T:

And here it is on the Godfather:

And here it is on a smoking supernerd:

Looks pretty nice, eh? And yes, you're absolutely right, I DID go with a darker shade of blonde this time. Yes, those are caramel highlights, too. Good eye, Reader.