Left to Right.

Baboon, Baboonpossumrat, smoking baboon, marker, foot

The time Yoda was heaping mountains of mental battery upon me in Chapters.

So today at Chapters, I was sort of minding my own business, perusing the advanced literary genius books when I heard some audible warbling... Someone was reading out loud. Fine. Someone must have just been reading an interesting passage to their shopping partner, right? WRONG. SO WRONG. This grown person was reading a magazine OUT LOUD in the store; all by them self. Just sitting there on the leather ottoman reading away an article in a magazine for the world to hear without even flinching. WELL. This is unacceptable behavior. Completely unacceptable.

So I got a little closer to have a listen, perhaps this person had found some kind of important article about the world's impending doom that must be given attention. Nope. It was an article about 'TWILIGHT' *shudder*. EwWWwwwwww. I was overcome with self righteousness and had to stare at her back from my little nest of books in the genius section. I stared DAGGERS at her. DAGGERS, you guys.

The imaginary conversation I had with her is as follows and is hence forth to be acted out by lego men in the medium of photographic storyboarding. She being Lego Yoda (in her ugly orange sweater) and me, The Lego Princess Leia (in her limited vestments). Here is how it all happened in my sophisticated mental faculties:

YODA: ...blah blah... release for NEW MoOn will be less than a MONTH away... *more muttering about Rob Pattinson* something something, collector's edition...

ME AS LEGO PRINCESS LEIA: HEY YOU! You are supposed to twitter with your Macintosh Apple Iphone, Jackass! *snicker snicker* Not OUT LOUD to strangers. And guess what? There appears to be nothing wrong with you apart from the fact that you're reading People magazine OUT LOUD to nobody. *snicker* So what's up with you, FOUR EYES? Get it? It's funny because you have glasses. Well you would if it was the real you acting this out and not Lego Yoda, who does not wear glasses, nor can I make any as I am out of pipe cleaners AND twist ties. *cough*

YODA: Huh? I can't afford an apple iphone.

ME AS BEAUTIFUL, SLIM LEIA: "Waaah... I don't have an apple IPHONE"... OH kvetch kvetch kvetch. That just makes you inferior and laughable (however somewhat lovable). Don't you even watch the apple advertisements? We "Mac" geniuses are cool and all down to earth and calm and helpful about every single thing on earth and wear practical, yet stylish blue sweaters all the time and you "non apple supporting people" are frantic, out-of-touch-with-couture twits. Hello?? Are you listening to me? It's even been recorded by the media? Besides, if you look at what I'm possibly going to be purchasing, you'll be embarrassed at yourself to see that it's an interesting glance at the common misuses of English grammar *chuckle*. Hilarious stuff. And you? Cultureless CELEBRITY RAG? Your so simple. Must be nice.

STUPID LEGO YODA: HA HA HA. You just said, "your", instead of, "you're" which was completely grammatically inappropriate.... And you fancy yourself a Grammar Stickler...*chortle*

LEIA THE TANTALIZING: What? No.... I didn't. I couldn't have.

YODA THE YODELING YAKHERDER: Yes you did.

LEIA THE SMART AND BRAVE: What are you even talking about, outloud-reader-to-nobody person? Your not making cent's.

YODA THE HUGE BULLY: You're doing it again. Your grammar is atrocious.

LEIA (the melancholy): STOP IT! STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

CHAPTERS FLOOR MANAGER: AW hell. YOU AGAIN?! I'm going to have to ask you to leave again, MICHELLE. Hand over the Starbucks cups.

LEIA: Um, I think you're confused. My name is Lego Princess Leia.

Floor Manager: Look, Freak- we've already contacted the police. I don't know how you slipped past security, anyway. Must be the clever disguise.

The REAL Princess Leia: You won't get away with this. You're wrong. You're ALL WRONG!!! YOU'LL SEE!!! AHAahahHHAhahahahahHHHAA!!

Then I swing away into the city on the spideywebs which I can shoot out of my wrists, pursuing the trail of Yoda (the lone outloud reader), who has slipped away unnoticed, of course.

Until next time, Lego Yoda... Until next time...

A taste of MiScHieF.....

Right, so the junk mail has improved. Today is the second day in a row that I have received cookie samples on my doorknob. (Eat cookies that you've found on your doorstep, Michelle? Sounds like a great idea.) I kind of wish it was my job to sneak around the neighborhood leaving samples of cookies for total strangers like a friendly little elf/nutjob- frolicking from house to house with my grocery bag full of cookie samples. I wonder if homemade cookies would be as well received... Hmm... Guess I'll add it to the bucket list.

Anyhow, these are not just your run of the mill, left on your doorknob cookie samples, folks. Upon first look, I thought they were condoms. I. DID. I'd thought that Fluffy Sparkles might have given up her personal directive of breaking a world record for the largest pile of dead mice on a door mat in the morning in favour of promoting safer sex.... But Fluffy Sparkles has been fixed, you see. I am not sure she puts much thought into such racy things these days. She's kind of a prude.

There was good reason to believe that someone planted birth control on my doorknob though, Dorkherd. If you have a look, you'll notice that there are two parties featured on the front of the box looking very interested in each other, one being a shirtless, spit polished, somewhat radioactive looking cowboy for added intrigue and the other being the once pure blossoming virgin with new and confusing thoughts about the new farm hand. The package DOES say, 'Lifestyle' so give me a break. It totally looks like some kind of Condom door hanger. I was pretty sure that if I flipped over the box, it would conveniently read, "Do Not Disturb" in case the finder of the samples got into a total frenzy upon finding this racy sample box hanging from their door knob and needed a sign to warn potential droppers by about why they should return maybe later.

However, upon finding that the packaging actually read "Peek Freans", it all clicked. Peek Freans, EH?? Oh I see what's happening here. They've made their cookies sexier and more appealing to adult tastes... Mood cookies, one could call them. Well I'm no fool. I opened the package and there was definitely no prophylactics in there with the cookies. NONE. Did they think I'd get so wrapped up in the moment and FORGET? Not a chance. You know what else I know? Peek Freans make baby cookies. You reading me here? PEEK FREANS are trying to get me pregnant so I'll ALSO buy the baby cookies. I'd have to buy more baby cookies if I got pregnant. Well it's a good thing I'm wise to this dastardly pyramid marketing ploy. Dodged a bullet there. I already have a hoard of baby cookies, thankyouverymuch.

Yep. See? It's just cookies in a little airline-ish package. Less impressive in your wallets... or are they?

Because this would totally impress a date, if the person were worth dating thatis. Seeing how your date reacts to something like this is pretty much a fool proof method of finding out if they're the one.

Vanilla Bean Latte Harlequin Cookies. They make me feel dirty. No- like really dirty. Because I ate them off the porch.

Seeing Beer Dogs for the Criminally Insane.

You know what gives me a red rump? There is no bud light lime in any of the stores in Ottawa anywhere. Everyone is sold out. Which one of you is buying it all??? Huh? Get some help, eh? Stop using up all my beers. Sure- I only looked in one store and then just went home, but I'm just going to go ahead and assume by the condescending smirk the beer store clerk gave me when I asked if they had any while pointing at their giant poster of it, that nobody has any. Nobody. Well maybe the french do, but Gatineau is alllLLLllllll the way over there. Also, I am not pleased that the Canadian beer geniuses haven't come up with a Canadian version of lime infused beer, or if they have, they've forgotten to send me a registered notice about it in the mail. It had better not be Kokanee, either. Ew. Not that I would normally touch a regular budweiser with a million bazillion foot pole. The lime kind is A-OK. The only thing more depressing than this whole scenario is reading Post Secrets.

All this after spending the afternoon at the Canadian seeing eye dog farm. I'm not joking. We went for a tour because hey, free donuts and water! Also educational stuff for the kiddies. But it was blistering hot out and all I could focus on was all the bud lite lime I was going to purchase on my way home. The dogs were pretty nice, though. I thought about putting one in my vehicle, because hey... it's not like anyone would see anyway, right? Plus they said that the dogs are totally free, and I think only giving them to the blind is discrimination against the visually unimpaired. Oh man. That was kind of a tactless joke, eh? I'm a jerk. Sorry visually impaired people. If it makes you feel better, I owe money on my taxes. Also, FYI, I put money in the plastic dog and everything, don't write me hate letters, k?. The universe has rebalanced itelf. No bad Karmel for me.

What I should have done, though, if I'd have only known about this whole no lime beer shenanigan, was stop at every beer store on the way home until I found my lime beer. I need a lime beer finding dog. A seeing lime beer dog if you will. I would name him Beery the Beerdog, or Fender.... or Mister Sprinklybeer or Limey Beerstard.

The End.

PS.. check this out. Radioactive, Conjoined, Mutant Strawberry!:

Awesome.

Because I can put whatever I want on the internet.

Hungry, Apathetic Space Dragons.

So here is a little 4x4 inch painting that I did today, based on a doodle that I draw all of the time, have for years. The dragons are usually eating a series of things, depending on what I'm talking about on the phone while I draw them. Sometimes a blimp, sometimes people's heads, sometimes a giant mole, sometimes the earth etc etc.... today it's a spaceship... because that iswhat is awesome to me today.

Maybe I'll paint all of them. Maybe I'll make a series based on all of my tabletop doodlies. Maybe even the elephant with self image issues.... hmm.... I'm pretty sure this whole gig will make me ultra rich- or if anything, my kid likes them. I'll hang them in his room. :)

Why I love Chinese import clothing stores

Observe THIS, Nerdfaces:

Found this little gem while browsing around the market with Wandy. Thank GAWD I'd appropriated Neily's iphone.

BeardPapa. Liquid. Awesome.

So awesome in fact, that I might make this the beardpapa blog award after I doctor it up a little, so just watch out. You might win happy lucky cool, but only if your blog is yummy funny papa. If it isn't yummy funny papa, then you're pretty much screwed out of the award, so get to work. I don't accept just yummy funny or funny papa and especially not just yummy papa (because who would? Answer= Total creeps).

Then there was this beauty:

"C O M P N" with a sociopathic, semi-transparent gangster giraffe who seems perfectly okay with having just shot 2 pandas execution style. Perfect for your toddler. The giraffe head-pocket makes a nice little gun holster.

If I could just figure out what the compn stands for.... Compton? Capped Out My Panda Nemeses? Critters Order More Prestige Now, Crush Out Mass Panda Nation... I dunno.

All I know is that orange is the new pimp and that I'm probably going to see the 8 eyed BeardPapa in my nightmares tonight.