Ale sing you a lullabye.

I guess it's chillier than we thought in the garage... That's where we were keeping the beer.


What I learned is that beer-slush tastes kind of excellent. I call it: Ice Beerg.




And then my brain went here:



What.

In which I play plagued to save Christmas.

Today I join the ranks of cut-throat deal shoppers. The annual Warehouse toy sale is today. This means ridiculously cheap brand name toys and 23847293487293423428792873 shrewd and heartless Moms & Grammies.

Normally, I hate shopping (and don't get me wrong, I still hate shopping), however..... for the past few years, I've managed to get allllll the Christmas gifts for the kids for under $300. Thus, I have to do it. Biting this bullet ensures that I will not have to step foot in even one mall in December and THAT is a beautiful thing. This toy sale is brutes, though. SOMANYPEOPLE. You have to have a contingency plan, I've found. The year before last, waiting in the 3 hour line was like playing survivor. You have to choose the correct line & form alliances with other people so that you can go to the bathroom sometimes and be willing to step over people who have died, or you will never get out. The more friends you make in line, the faster you get to the cashier. You divide and conquer. I have a new strategy. I am ready.

I've put on my protective gear, practiced my contagious sounding cough and painted red around my eyes.. because nothing makes people back the #$%& off like a really contagious looking sale-crazed woman. "Um.. maybe we should come back later.." they'll say as I am writhing & drooling alkaseltzer bubbles from my mouth in front of the 2010 Holiday Barbies. What this conveys is, "Back off people, I'm going to be first in line here. If you want one of these Barbies, you'll have to go to your car and get your hand sanitizer first", leaving me a large enough window of time to get in, get my shiz and get. out. Or maybe they'll call the police. Who knows? You have to take risks if you want your holiday season to be truly wonderful. I need to find some way to spurt fake blood around.

K, gotta go do my warm ups.

____________________

UPDATE:

Chapter One of my Movie Idea for James Cameron.

I think it'll really tickle his fancy.

Once upon a time there was a tall guy who was a waiter but also he could fly. Sometimes on days when the restaurant was super devilishly busy, he would fly just a little bit- like an inch high or something- so that he could get the food to the people who wanted the food really fast but nobody saw him flying not even his parents. Then he got good tips.

Except once when a very ugly girl saw him hovering auspiciously and she said, "Hey waiter! You are flying! How are you doing that? Also, I want some deep fried pickles and hey, maybe a strawberry milkshake." Because after all, she was there for lunch. So he said, "Hey, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not even able to fly because that would be impossible to the laws of physics and biotic sciences, but I will get you those pickles faster than a bolt of thunder from a storm of speed" but he was lying because he really was secretly flying before but then just landed when the girl said that she saw him (to throw her off his trail) and sometimes he had to lie to protect his hidden identity of someone who can also fly besides being a great waiter. Sometimes also, he flew in front of people a little bit, but then just said he was faking it like Kris Angel.

So then the girl told her best friend who was there too for a while, that that guy was flying food around before and her friend, Jan-eese, said that she didn't believe her wanton claim of flying waiters. The gril was very frustrated because she deeply believed in what she saw. It was truer to her than a million suns of roasting heat, burnishing in her soul.

Then she went up to the flying waiter and said secretly to him that she knew he could fly and that she wouldn't tell anyone else and besides, Jan-eese didn't even believe her and now they were not even best friends anymore because true friends belive there friends no matter what. His mind was shcoaked and awed by her compassionate words of astute tenderness. Nobody ever told him that they would keep it a secret before and he knew he could trust her because of the deep pools of applicable truth he saw deep deep deep in her feminine eyes.

She took off her glasses and shook her head until her golden summery hair fell out of its updo and unbuttoned her shirt two buttons and hiked up her skirt a little, slipping into high heels instead of boring sneakers and then he finally saw that she was suddenly more attractive because he hadn't seen it before because of all the glasses and things disguising her beauty like a hidden leprechaun of winsomeness.


He held her in his brawny, tanned, shirtless arms and said, "It's just us now."
"We're in this together", she said back.
"Forever.", he said after she said her line.
"Always.", she said breathlessly and luridly. And then she gave him an orange that she had.
"Until all the eternal forests fall from the firey death of silver sorrow" He said right into her face.
"Until all deserts fade from the views of winged eagles", she said

Then Meatloaf burst through the wall on his gallant motorcyle and sang, "I would do anything for love" and they slowdanced, ignoring the whole world and all the customers except for Meatloaf. Then he stayed and actually ate some real meatloaf because it was the special of the day.

The mysterious and tall waiter grabbed her face tenderly like a horse-master lovingly stirs toward the face of his prized horse and told her....

"Come with me, I want to show you something." And then they went to the closet at the restaurant and she said, "Wait, are you going to show me your crotch?" and he said no so she said ok. Then he lifted a mysterious bottle of ketchup and the roof in the closet opened and they could fly away in protected secrecy. He gripped her arm and they flew up to the clouds of wondrous strangement and she wasn't even heavy.

"How are you doing this?", she yelled because it was windy and loud and she had to speak up.
"WHAT?" he said because she still couldn't hear her.
"WHY CAN YOU FLY?", she yelled right into his ear so that he could hear her this time. Then he said he didn't know but that her hair was so jaw droppingly windblown and he always wanted to make out with someone with windblown tendrils of blonden locks.

Then he was only wearing skintight jeans, so then she was like, "O.K." and then when they were over the pearly waves of the ocean, they made out passionately and then they saw dolphins jump into heart formations with the spray from their dolphin blowholes spraying into their faces and their wind blown and tangled hair tangling together in tangles of fervish ferver and then she said that she never made out with anyone like that before and he said he knew that. He didn't really know it for sure but it seemed true, he didn't want to hurt his new girlfriend's feelings so he agreed to himself to just let it go. Also his name was Justyn. Then they fed the dolphins some fish that they remembered to bring from the restaurant.

Then they combed out their tangles while they sat on a rock on an island in the ocean that nobody could get to unless they could fly or had access to a helicopter or were really good at parachute landing and decided that they should have a picnic on top of the Eiffle tower the next night. So then he said to meet him in this very spot at 5 pm and they would go so she said ok after they argued about who had to make the picnic. And then they had to go back to their fake lives for the rest of the day.

Then at five o clock, he waited on the rock. He waited and waited but she never showed up. He thought that she must have changed her mind about their love and his heart broke and he said, "Cruel fate! You've taken my love from me. You're forced me into the dark crevice of headlong despair! WHY? WHY was I so selfish about her making the picnic??!? I must throw my body against the rocks of time!" and then he threw himself into the ocean where an octopus ate his legs off, which it turns out he needed for balance when he was flying after all. But really she didn't show up because they forgot that she needed to be able to fly to even get there.

Poor Arlene (That's the girl's name. Arlene.) watched helplessly from the shore, unable to get his attention because she caught tonsillitis that afternoon and couldn't yell loud enough. She ran home as fast as she could and got her seadoo and jumped into the ocean and saved Justyn's life. "I'm sure you'll be able to fly again! They can make a prosthetic jetpack... we'll invent a hover wheelchair" she said. But he just flopped around cermonically unable to find his center. Finally he looked deeply into her eyes and stroked her cheek with his looooooong fingers and said, "Arlene, you are the apple of my life. I will... never.... forget..." and he slipped into a mysterious and dark coma. Then the octopus that ate Justyn's legs tried to jump on her and eat her legs too because he'd been introduced to the fleshy taste of human legs and he LIKED it. So she punched him and all of the sudden she had super strength from being traumatized. That's how it worked, the shock of seeing her flightman crash against the waves released the secret brain chemical into her blood system that gave her super strength and the octopus flew a hundred miles, landing on the deck of the cantankerous Captain Conjuction (to be played by James Woods).....

To be ctd. in Chapter Two where they escape to the Alaskan wilderness and she decides to give Justyn her very own legs.

Yeah. I don't know why you read this , either.

I was thinking

You know, for all the stupid ideas that I come up with and actually tell people, there are at least 987932346636.7 extra, extra, extra stupid ones that even I go, "like, what are you doing, Self? Go do the dishes. We both know that will never work out, secondly you can't even shoot fire out of your eyes. So move on, Self. Sure, it'd be an interesting art project to sneak alligators into strangers' homes, hide, and take pictures of their reactions, but let's not tell anyone that you thought of that while you were blow drying your hair, okay? They don't understand your genius and I don't think they're ready. Also, you live in Canada, where are you going to find alligators in January? At the reptile Zoo? No I don't think they let you borrow them. No not ever. No, not even on your birthday. No I don't think the reptile zoo will help you do this. Put down the phone."

So then I say to Self, "Look, Self, you self righteous bastard, the world turns on ideas, okay? I have to contribute to the turning of the world, otherwise gravity will get all screwed up and everyone will fall off Terra Firma... unless we all had world handles to hang onto. We'd have to make lots of them so that people could get from place to place. We'd develop pretty strong arms. We'd probably eventually evolve a little... but what would we do with the babies? would we have to strap them on papoose style?"

Self: Did you just say, "Terra Firma AND world handles??"

Me: NO. I thought it. And then I wrote it and I fully intend to click the publish now button when I'm all done here.

Self: Alright. Go read a book.

Me: I have been. Remember? I've been reading Chuck Palahniuk books. They're all kinds of weird.

Self: you're weird.

Me: And hungry. Time for some toast and jam.

Self: OooooH! Homemade raspberry!

Me: Let's Go!

Self: Hurrah!!

Something like that. So all 68 of you may be surprised to find out that I'm actually kind of a freak (let's say rare gem instead). Sure, you think about me all the time and imagine what it's like to meet me and get my autograph but please keep in mind that on the day the world gets to meet me and I have my fancy roboto-throne, that I'm just a person like you: thinking thoughts so stupid that I can't even tell anyone about them. Right?

Also, look what I made today:

Annnnnnd publish.