I Have Held Out Long Enough... SWOON!

Okay, so I have spared the mens who read this blog for a very long time with any mouth watering pics of our beloved Robert Pattinson... but I can't keep him away any longer.

I cannot help myself-

Here you go ladies... sink your teeth into these. God Bless the Monday Swoon.

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And so help me Chuck Norris if any of you fellas complain and say we are sinning I will cut your heart out with a spoon. Why a spoon? Because it will hurt more. (what movie is that from? Anyone?)!

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Besides, sinning is good sometimes-it keeps you holy.

Look how he is looking at me! I am sorry Robert-truly I am. I promise to never go so long again without putting you on the swoon.

Can you say hair porn? I can... oh yes I can.

Oh to be the his fingers running through that head of hair. Sigh. Or rather... oh to be a head of hair that his fingers are running through. Yeah, that is it. Shhhhh while I meditate on that for a moment.






Alright, so here are the pics that I am sure you have all seen already of Robert-Edward in Italy. You remember this part in the book... when he calls Bella's house and Jacob answers and says that Bella's dad is at a funeral and Edward assumes that it is Bella who has died so he goes to Italy with a plan to let the Volturi rip him to shreds because he can no longer live in a world that does not have Bella in it.

Sigh.

He needs to remove his shirt because he is going to walk into the sunlight exposing his nocturnalness to the world so that the Volturi have no choice but to kill him.







Because living without Bella has been painful, yet living with the knowledge that she is dead is unbearable for his beatless heart.

And right after this moment... I have another picture, the one where Bella runs into his arms and they kiss and he thinks he is dying because he is kissing her and it isn't so bad-but then he realizes that it is Bella and that she is with him and that SHE IS ALIVE!!!!! But I don't want to post that picture because it has Kirsten Stewart in it and who the hell wants to see that? Not me. Pffft.

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So let's just look at another picture of Robert Pattinson's hair shall we? How does he do it? I am amazed.

Shhhh... I am meditating again.

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And look, I even have a picture of the wolfpack... the dogs that they are... the werewolves that do not like vampires. Not bad... not bad at all-if you like that sort of thing.

And here is that stinky ol' smelly Jacob who is so arrogant after he becomes a wolf that I could just smack him... not to mention the fact that I could just toss Bella out of a moving vehicle because she is so wishy washy with it all.

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Bella irritates the crap out of me. There, I said it. She needs to grow some boobs and be a woman.

Anyway, where was I? Oh... here is another picture of Robert shirtless... in case you didn't catch the ones up top.

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Just look at this poster. I hate it... I hate it because it reminds me of the sadness I felt when I read New Moon-which I have to say is probably my favorite of the Twilight Series (yes, I am aware that I am a grown woman-leave me the hell alone). The angst, the pain, the torture... it is all part of life and part of love. The pain makes you remember that you are alive.

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Freakin' vampires.

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So, without further adieu.... I give you the official trailer for the New Moon movie:

I want more don't you? I want them to just show me that whole damn thing. I don't like to be teased and now we have to wait 5 long months before we can see the entire thing!

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What the hell?

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So I think we should all just open up our copies of New Moon (oh don't act like you have not thought about it) and reread it.

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It'll do us good...the men in our lives will go insane, but that is part of the fun of being in love with a vampire isn't it? (I can't wait to tell Cousin Steve that I am reading it again!)

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Oh yes, oh yes indeed.

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ThE FiRsT InsTaLLmeNt oF............... Dial Meow for Murder.

Episode: Things Fluffy-Sparkles the Cat has massacred on my property.

I say first installment, because we usually get maybe one day per week off from walking outside and nearly stepping on the corpse of some poor little creature. I would like to drive home the fact, straight away that my yard is roughly the size of a generous postage stamp. Each day, the kids skip happily outside and without fail, they declare the death of yet another cute little snow white movie extra, like frolicking little coroners.

"Whatcha playin', kids?!? Looks FuUUuuun!"
"We're playing the I jumped over it and you ate it game!"
"Oh how creativvvv---AUGH!!!!! NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. Dead animals are NOT hackey sacks!! GET in here so I can dunk you in antibacterial wash... do you feel swine-fluish? How about Bird Fluish? Rabid? When did we get a raccoon skin hat???"

On with the graphic, sadistic, macabre photographic evidence:

Yeah, that's our welcome mat. I suppose we have this coming.

That's a wee mouse's arse end, displayed on the skull & cross bones. This might be nice stuffed and mounted in a teeny tiny living room with a teeny tiny fireplace and little teeny wing chairs. Maybe I'll surprise Libby with a new feature for her barbie house.

Poor Dudes. I was only kidding when I was talking about a Vlad the Impaleresque display on my lawn to scare off the noisy spring birds, I SWEAR. Althouuuuugh......

Not pictured:
*The dead mother mouse' head, surrounded in a semi circle by her little pink babies. Like a dead-mouse-family flower mosaic.

*The head of the mouse who's arse is shown, which was on the back step instead of the front.

She's a very creative kitty.

Don't Rain On My Parade

Portland is "The City Of Roses" & in late May & early June the city celebrates with The Rose Festival (established in 1907). This means 2 parades - The Starlight & The Grand Floral, the "Fun Center" on the waterfront, the presentation of the Rose Princesses & crowning of the Rose Queen, Dragon Boat Races & the one & only thing I enjoy about the festival- FLEET WEEK.

Portland is blessed with cool wet springs & many a Rose Festival has been held in the most miserable of cold pounding rainstorms. Crabby old man that I am, I always get a good chuckle out of a parade ruined by sheets of rain pouring down on the unfortunate hordes. Not this year... Portland has had a week + of mid-80s & sunny days & beautiful nights. Those conditions are predicted to last through the weekend & for the next 10 days. Damn!

I really dislike anytime there is a large gathering of people who aren't usually there (unless they are there to see me). This would include: Renaissance Fairs, Folklife Festivals, state & county fairs, & my most dreaded - parades. I work in downtown Portland & tonight is the Starlight Parade. The parade-goers start camping out on the parade route 24 hours before the event. I will get off work at 8pm & will have to find my way home through the parade route. The parade actually wraps around the building that I work in. Besides having to deal with the horrid crowds & their children, in from the suburbs, I actually might run into one of that most disturbing of characters- a clown! But then, I also stand a good chance of running into a lonely sailor, on his first visit to Portland, asking for directions.

Never Ask "Lemme Smell Your Hands"

I am PMSing.

Yes-hold on to your hats six-packers... I may need you to bail me out of jail by the time this one is over.

Ugh.

Yesterday I had an overwhelming urge to just cry. I was driving in my minivan with my two youngest in their carseats and I just wanted to cry. I don't know why-I knew it would not solve the world problems or cure cancer... but the need was overwhelming.

I didn't cry.

I honked at the car in front of me and then flipped off the billboard for breast enlargements.

I felt better-but not fully.

So I texted Cousin Steve (oh-in case you did not know, I am a texting pro now. I text all day every day. I text my children, my friends, my family... I would even text you if you sent me your number-maybe.) This was our textersation:

Me: "Uh-oh, I feel PMS coming on. xcuz me while I burst into tears for no apparent reason."

CS: "I started yesterday."

Me: "So you felt this way too?"

CS: "Every other day. Except if it falls on an odd dated Tuesday. Im ok on those."

Me: "Do men ever feel like they just need a good cry and rant?"

CS: "I am crying now."

Me: "Oh U men HAVE no (curse word) IDEA!!!!!"

And then the rest of the day I just sent him random curse words to which he responded with Irish Blessings. He is so "holier than thou" the drunk bastard.

Later on in the afternoon my baby Mary came up to me whimpering and pushed her hand in my face. I assumed that she hurt her little fingers so I kissed them. She then held her little hands up to me so that I would hold her. I pulled her into my lap and instantly smelled a load in her diaper (yes, I am aware that she turned two at the beginning of May and I have yet to start potty training her-I have decided that this kid can potty train herself, I mean really... do I think she is going to go off to college wearing diapers? No-she'll figure it out.) So I shuffle her into her room to change the foul smelling pile. As I lay her down I realize that her diaper is all askew and she has poo smeared down her leg. She once again holds up her hand to me and says:

"EWWWWWWWWW!"

I suddenly realize that she did not hurt her hand and need me to kiss her boo boo all better... she was telling me that she stuck her precious little pudgy fingers into her dead carcass smelling diaper and she had feces all over herself.

And I kissed it.

Seriously folks. Can I please call bullshit on this day? Please?

Where Have You Been?

I don't have to tell you that life is crazy... but life is crazy.

I am trying to be Supermom and I would say that so far... I am almost there, aside from the drunken stupor I was in on Wednesday night, but it was Wednesday-what else was I supposed to do?

The kids had fun drawing on me with markers... see, we do arts and crafts too!

BUT...

I have not forgotten you.

I know what day it is... if is FRIDAY, and I know that on Fridays I like to toss out some world news so we feel a little more "informed"

But nothing jumped out at me unless you want to hear about the fact that the Black Hole has the same appetite as my son and eats up to 2 EARTHS a day! Sheesh... and I thought I had a large grocery bill!

Or how about the fact that Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken are fighting like little girls with their press on nails out. Oh the eye liner will be a' runnin' on this one-I can tell!

And then there is the story about Lee Iacocca losing a chunk of his pension and his life long company car because of Chrysler's bankruptcy. Sigh. So now instead of being a billionaire, he will have to settle for being a multimillionaire. Times are rough people!

But that is all boring stuff... and the rest of the news-the stuff that tells us about national security and the economy, well that was all boring too.

The real reason I came into the Six-Pack on this beautiful Friday is because I didn't want to forget to give you this:

Have a great Friday ladies!

This Really Happened

At work, while pulling a double shot of espresso, I had failed to notice that the second shot was not finished pouring. I had pulled the cup away, but the shot continued to pour. Embarrassed, I quickly replaced the cup. As I turned back to the handsome customer to apologize, he made eye contact with me & said- " Oh, man! You pulled that out so fast...I thought I was gonna loose your shot!"

Words To Live By

"Be who you are & say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind."
Dr. Seuss

Cyborg Tiger-Unicorns.

So I've been a little MIA and all distracted lately. Distracted from the internet. By things like chores. What gives? Boring eh? In any case, I've just finished a triple espresso latte of secret knowledge & power and I have some important things to share with you in point form now.

• I bought steak today. $40 worth of it. That's 4 steaks at $10 each. I didn't actually mean to do this. I got through the checkout with my squirming, mangled hoard of children and failed to notice how much the steaks were going to be. So we're having steak. I like steak, but the kids don't. Tonight they will see the light, though, because dammit- THAT steak was expensive and there are starving kids in Disneyland to consider. Well, it wasn't THAT expensive as far as steak goes, but when considering that they would much rather eat hot dogs or hamburger prepared in ANY way imaginable (I'm pretty sure they'd eat it boiled in yak milk as long as it is HAMBURGER), it's kind of nerve wracking to buy them $20 worth of steak by accident. Freeze half of it for later, you say? Meh.

• Last night, Neil learned a lesson in giving a litre of orange pop to an 8 year old juuuUUuuust before taking her into a movie theatre. I opted not to go to the movies last night thank GAWD. Eleanore has stopped being fun there, so I got to stay home and watch reruns of True Blood. Anyway, I am trying to stop laughing at the predicament he put himself into, bless his pea pickin' little heart. Orange Pop is to Libby as cocaine speedballs are to a colony of paranoid, manic, manipulative spider monkeys.

• I just realized that I forgot about my bread dough raising and now it's deflated all over the place like a brand new mother's deflated pile of skin for a belly (Show a picture of THAT mess to teenage girls and see if they ever want to have sex). It's going to gross me out now. I should go deal with it. Aaaaaanytime, I'll go check on it. Here I go... Off to clean up the deflated bread dough on my cupboard.... Riiiight now. Hey! Lookie! Sparkles! I'd better keep nice and still here in my chair until they go away. Pretty!

• The new G.I. Joe movie coming out has the following elements featured in it from what I can tell by the preview: Ninjas, submarines, aliens, giant robots, bombs, suspenseful music and a poor plotline just bursting with half-baked conspiracies. If I find out that it has Disco Criminal Samurai Vampire Nuns in it too, I might have to camp outside the theatre until it arrives.

• At bootcamp today, they were painting with epoxy based paint while we worked out. Nothing like huffing paint while over-exerting yourself. It was kind of like high school. I felt extra hilarious and entertaining today. I told Sue to go stick her finger in Instructor-Dale's smoothie. It was solid gold material. Solid. Gold. Oh how we laughed.
  

The End.

25 years ago today

1984 was my favorite year. I have a future post with the specifics, but in a nutshell:
1. I lived in Seattle, a spectacular & vibrant city that was just coming into it's own as a world player
2. I shared my very cool top floor, prewar apartment on Capitol Hill with my hot/sexy/talented boyfriend of 5 years ( 5 years?!? Who did we know that had been together that long?!?)
3. I had single digit body fat & worked out like a fiend 6 days a week
4. I had a very funny & very showy part in the biggest hit show in town (it ran for 18 months) in which I appeared almost naked (hence the gym regiment)
5. I had just signed with the best agency in town- The Carol James Agency
6. I loved being in my 30s
7. I ran with an interesting & talented crowd
8. I was a minor celebrity
9. I had hair on my head, but not in my ears
10. I was joyously & madly in love with a man, with my life, & I was 100% out of the closet

I loved the music of the 80s & I had this new invention- a WALKMAN, so I could enjoy music wherever I went. The number 1 song twenty-five years ago today was Lionel Richie's HELLO. I did NOT dig this song at the time, but it was ubiquitous that spring. I have now come to really like & admire HELLO in two cover versions in my collection. One is by Shirley Bassey & I give you the other, by last year's winner of American Idol-David Cook :

Words To Live By

I am an avid reader (for someone who is dyslexic too!). I usually have more than one book going, one for the MAX train & one for at home, & in the summer, one for the beach. I subscribe to 22 magazines, which I read as a book- from front to back, letters to the editor to appendix.The magazine habit started when my Aunt Sharon gave me a subscription to The New Yorker & Variety when I was 8 years old. I collect certain writes & genres. I have gone through phases of The Algonquin Round Table & Bloomsbury groups. My favorite book is The Amazing Adventures Of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon. I love to get lost in a good novel, but I tend to move toward biographies, memoirs & essays. A great way for me to waste a rainy afternoon in winter is to slowly leaf through a "coffee table" book likeThe Hill Towns of Italy.

A book arrived on Friday & the husband was all- "what is it, what is it?". I unwrapped- The Selected Essays Of Gore Vidal (an author I collect) & the husband (quite the reader himself) looked crest fallen & dryly tossed off (in the manner of Mr. Vidal, himself)- "But, of course".

"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are"
Gore Vidal

A Confusingly Hot Monday Swoon...

Okay, so I was talked into going to see Terminator Salvation with Aaron yesterday. I have seen all Terminators for one reason and one reason alone...

but I have never really understood the story line. The time travel, the terminators, Sara Connor's biceps... it was all confusing to me, but I watched them because I am the mother of a boy and that is what you do when you have a boy, you watch movies that make no mother loving sense to you.

Well this one was no exception. I prepared myself first by reading up on it-trying to get my mind in a "Okay, I am a college graduate, I can figure this story out" mode.

It didn't help.

First of all... who is Marcus Wright and where does he come from? What did he do that caused his brother to be killed and for him to be executed? And why is he even in the story? I have not figure that out-except for the fact that he is HOT! Yes... H.O.T.

And what is up with Helen Bonham Carter (Dr. Serena Kogan)? First she has cancer and then she is the evil mind behind Skynet? WTF Jimmy! What is her purpose in all of this? How did she find Marcus and that kiss in the beginning-gross. That is all I am going to say about that.

Okay, now... John Connor. How did he come to be in a time when he is an adult and his father is a teenager and he has to rescue him? I mean-hello!? Where is the time machine? And another thing-why is everyone dirty? Don't they have water? It rains so you would think they would have water considering they have high tech computers and can travel in time-but a shower? Maybe that is too advanced.

My biggest question is this... and if you can answer it I will love you forever (not really, but I will be able to look at Aaron and say "See! I told you so!") Is Marcus Wright supposed to be a young version of Arnold's Terminator? I mean-he wears leather pants like Arnold does so I assume that means they are the same person, because who in their right mind would wear leather pants and run around getting all dirty and sweaty? There is too much in common there. And doesn't John Connor always send back Arnold (see-there is that time travel thing again... BUT WHERE IS THE TIME MACHINE?) and didn't Marcus and John become friends and weren't they "together" in the end? Hmmm? I think I am right... but what do I know-I basically went for the hot men.

All I know for certain is that whatever master mind in Hollywood said "Hey! Let's make a movie and put a sweaty Christian Bale in it and a sweaty Sam Worthington in it for the ladies." He (or she) is a genius! A FREAKIN' GENIUS!


I mean, just look at him... Christian Bale could be in a movie about killer zombies with prosthetic legs and a desire to make all human beings purple and I would go see it. Yes, I would.

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And this guy-who is he? Where did he come from? How has he not been on the Six-Pack radar? Well... thank God we found you Sam Worthington and rest assured stud, you will always have a place on the Monday Swoon. Mercy.

Now if you will excuse me... I have to go see if John Connor's pregnant wife ever has that baby and if so, does that mean there will be more Terminator movies to make me confused and turned on all at the same time.

God I love Summer Blockbusters that make no sense!

Party Guests

Remember Those Lost In Iraq

U.S. Confirmed Deaths Reported Deaths: 4300

Confirmed Deaths: 4295

Pending Confirmation: 5

Because I can put whatever I want on the internet.

My Hero!

This past week, it came to light that a very important player in the life of the husband, & me, & our life as a couple, has been complaining to the husband about me. I am not even slightly upset with Mr. X, although why, after two years of spending time with us & knowing me pretty darn well, would Mr. X choose to complain to the husband about my penchant for booze, pot & procrastination is a tiny bit surprising.

The husband has long been my most loving, but toughest (& by that I mean-honest) critic of my behavior, clothing choices, drinking, drugging, garden design, acting, singing & writing. He is very nearly always correct. He is honest to a fault, as in answering- “YES” to the query- “Does this outfit make me look fat?” So… it was a bit of a surprise to discover that the husband was very unhappy about the complaints by Mr. X & that he stuck up for me, stuck by me & defended my honor.

I adore & cherish Mr. X. He is an amazing, very attractive, talented & accomplished man. I am pleased to have him in my life. I am better man for knowing him. I am not surprised that he finds pieces of my personality & lifestyle disagreeable… I am after all, very much in touch with my inner-grouch & inner-slut & I have a hedonistic bent. I own up to being opinionated & a tad bit louche. I really don’t mind that Mr. X lives a life just short of being a nun. In my defense, I am also a good & loyal friend, responsible, honest, good at my job & generous to a fault.

The husband has always been quick with praise when I get it right. "You should always wear blue. It brings out your beautiful soulful eyes"- is lovely to hear. He was always lavish in his praise of performances that he found to be especially good. He will still tell friends & acquaintances how much he loved my work in his favorites- Horace Vandegelder in Hello, Dolly!, Hysterium in A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum or "LM" in Pump Boys & Dinettes... or even compliments that are qualified- "You were the only good thing in Side By Side By Sondheim." I am always thrilled & warmed by his-"The garden looks so beautiful". I actually glowed when our friend Bryan told me that one day at Rooster Rock, while sunbathing, the husband turned turned to him & announced- "Stephen doesn't even seem to realize it, but he has the most beautiful & original singing voice, especially when he was doing jazz with a jazz trio... even I was shocked by how good he can be."

I really wish, beyond all measure, that the husband & Mr. X would have no bad energy between them, especially because of me. I am deeply touched & somewhat taken aback by the husband’s defense of me. When I mentioned how I felt about this to the husband, as we went to bed last night, he tenderly said- “Yeah? Well complaining about you is MY JOB & not for ANYBODY else!”

The painting is by one of my favorite American painters- Marsden Hartley (1877-1943)

Party like you're 80.

Today I took 5 children under 10 to the grocery store. I managed like a professional cat herder.

Old man in checkout: See all this gingerale I have? I'm having a party.

Me: Huh? Oh, that's cool.

Man: Yep. It's my birthday.

Me: Oh hey, happy birthday.

Man: I'm 80 now

Me: Oh yeah? 80 huh?

Man: Yeah. My wife is 71. We're celebrating.

Me: You gonna drink all that gingerale?

Man: Not by myself.

Me: I should hope not. That's a lot of gingerale for one person.

Man: Yes, my wife will have some.

Me: She's a lucky lady, then. Should be a hell of a party.

Ben: Excuse me, is this penny yours?

Man: Not anymore.

I can't wait until I'm 80.

Seen, Heard, and Made Up...

Ahhhh, Friday. Wait-my kids are home from school. Dang.

I tried to sleep in but was up at 6:45am which is the exact time that I have set my alarm for every mother loving day of this school year and the moment that alarm went off I would moan, cry, curse and hit the snooze button until I finally jumped out of bed at 7:05am with my hair on fire screaming at everyone to get moving because we only had 15 minutes to get out of the house!

But today-the first day to sleep in... I wake up at the alarm time.

God must just sit up in heaven and laugh his ass off at me.

In my free time I started perusing the news articles for you-because I know how difficult it can be to get to the news everyday so I thought I would give you the most pressing issues of the day... like this one.

Robert "he loves me" Pattinson somehow got cornered into having to give a fan a kiss on the cheek for charity.

Really? $55,000? Wow... no wonder men everywhere hate him. Would I pay that much for a kiss on the cheek? Uhm, no. Now, if he was willing to be locked in a room in the basement of my house for a year to be at my disposal... well that is a different story.

Now, I am sure none of you saw this, or heard about this, or will even know who I am about to tell you about, but it seems that a reality television show couple are coming back for another season.

The kicker-they have 8 kids (no-they aren't Catholic)... oh, and they may or may not have cheated on each other (because you know-you have LOADS of extra time when you have 8 kids running around and television cameras recording your every move).

Do you know who I am talking about? Hmmmm.... some Jon and Kate or Fred and Wilma or is it

Heathcliff and Claire-I am not sure. I have never heard of them before-honest Abe.

What is up with this people? Seriously? Who gives a rip? I don't-that is why I am posting it on my blog.

Why do we find other people's lives so interesting? I personally find my own life interesting and if the six-pack knew a fraction of the crap that is going on around here--well we would have had a reality television show ages ago... but you don't need to know about my drama--you probably wouldn't like me much if you knew the truth anyway (because it is much like the truth in all of your lives), and the media would have a FIELD DAY with me.

You can take that to the bank baby.

Now... can we talk about something more interesting?

Is the Pope on Facebook?

Hmmmm... I tried facebook and I sorta liked it, but deactivated my account because I realized that I could care less what a "friend" from high school who I have not talked to in 20 years because she stole my boyfriend Sophomore year (because she would what I wouldn't) is doing at 9pm on a Monday night. I mean, how is it affecting my day seeing that she was getting ready to pop some popcorn and watch a movie with her second husband (her first husband was the boyfriend she stole from me-nice to see how that worked out for her).

Facebook apparently made me bitter-so I left. I am sure they do not miss me.

But-now that the Pope is on Facebook I have been thinking that I should check it out again. Do I want to know that the Pope is popping popcorn on a Monday night and getting ready to say the rosary for the 17th time that day? Maybe.

And last-but certainly not least... I saw this.

WTF Jimmy?

Now, I am from Chicago-so I am a true Bears fan. I would never... NEVER trade my jersey for a second let alone a day!

Brian and I agree... The Steelers can keep him. Just ask me how I feel about Michael Jordan after he said he would never play for another team but Chicago, and then he came out of retirement and played for someone else-I don't even remember who because the moment he crossed that line I forgot all about him. I am wired that way-burn me and I will toss you away... you will be dead to me. Dead.

But that is all I am going to say about that because I don't talk politics here on the Six-Pack.

Excuse me while I go punch a hole in the wall.

Alright folks-that is it! Consider yourselves caught up in the happenings of the world we live in. Maybe next week I'll throw some things in there that will edjumacate us... but you have to consider my sources (the media) so I don't know how that will happen.

Enjoy your Friday!

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Oh... and I almost forgot~

New TV

I love challenging, well produced TV shows. AMC's Mad Men is my current & possible all time favorite. I also really get into Weeds & 30 Rock. I also enjoy junk: The Real Housewives of NY, Project Runway, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing with the Stars, Amazing Race, & Top Chef.

Last night the husband & I caught the new show (we DVRed it from Tuesday) - GLEE. We laughed until we cried. The show centers around the teachers & students involved in the Glee Club at McKinley High School. It is played broadly, but avoids stereotypes & cliches. The cast is excellent & off beat & features the delicious Jane Lynch as a cheer leading coach. The pilot aired on Tuesday night & the series continues in the fall. Can't wait!

Gird Your Loins People... The Cleaver Kids Are Out Of School For The Summer!

Today is the last day of school.

It seems like just 9 months ago that the first day of school was here and I was happily dropping my children off at the building where they would learn all kinds of interesting tid-bits to help them get through life.

Now they are back in my care for the summer.

Lord help them.

Lord help me.

First lesson that I will teach them? To leave mommy alone when the vein in the middle of her forehead is pulsing.

I have been trying to teach that lesson for 14 years now and it has never sunk in.

Dang.

I am going to pick them up in the same way that I pick them up on every last day of the school year-I stand outside of my van dancing while I blare "Schools Out For Summer" by Alice Cooper.

Catholic school teachers LOVE that kind of stuff.

My daughter may die a thousand deaths when she sees me... but I am trying to instill joy here! It is summer for Pete's sake-it is time to be carefree and drunk by 1pm lounging by the pool! (for me, not my children-they still need to wait until 5pm to get drunk).

Speaking of drunk and children being home 24/7 for the next 3 months, I have a new drink for you.

I promise you will LOVE it.

I got it from a hard-core Irish Catholic father of 8, so you know it is the bomb!

It is called a "loaded beer"

You will need a beer-any beer will do-but it needs to be in a bottle. Well, I guess you wouldn't want to use Heineken because it has formaldehyde in it (did you know that?) and I don't want to be preserved until I am dead-so your best bet is to use your regular beer that you have in your fridge. Bud, Miller, Coors.... don't use Corona though-trust me on this.

And you will need (get your pencils out-write this down-this is the most important part) Margaritaville Island Lime Tequila. Let me repeat that... MARGARITAVILLE ISLAND LIME TEQUILA. Do not try to substitute if for anything else. Word on the street is that it will be shit-so don't get all "I know what I am doing... I can use applesauce in place of sugar" on me here. Just trust me.

Open your beer and pour the Tequila in the bottle all the way to the top. Gently place your thumb over the opening and slowly... SLOWLY tip the beer over so that the Tequila mixes with the beer.

Then-drink.

Easy.

Simple.

Loaded.

Nice.

"If I Could Turn Back Time" Maybe you don't know, but gay men love her- Happy Birthday, Cherilyn Sarkisian Bono Allman

"It really bothers me when I see people doing my mother in drag. I mean, just imagine if you saw people doing that with your mother."
Chastity Bono, in Portland Oregon's Just Out Newspaper.

She has won an Academy Award, a Grammy Award, an Emmy Award, & three Golden Globe Awards for her work in film, music and television. Cher is the only female solo artist to reach the Top Ten of the Billboard Hot 100 in each of the previous four decades. Moonstruck is on of my top ten movies of all time (& one of my favorite soundtrack albums).

“Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.”

"Don't take your toys inside just because it's raining."
Cher

Sulligan's Island

This time, 11 years ago, I was waiting anxiously for 10 pounds of baby to leave my body. I was 19, just barely, and pretty much scared to death. I read & absorbed every miniscule article of information on the subject of how to be a parent until I was an unbearable fountain of knowledge regarding everything that posed a horrible threat to a baby. I had all the necessary baby life saving props that are marketed directly to freaking out people who are about to experience the miracle of having their own heart ripped directly from their chests and handed to them for safekeeping for the next 18+ years (provided they purchase all of the latest baby life preservers and are sure to bawl out anyone who even suggests that they might know what they're doing.. as if... all of THAT information is an outdated dangerous trick being played on current in-the-know-parents by bitter grandparents who wish harm on children).

Anyhow, he arrived. He survived my ultra paranoid parenting style for the first few years, he even got babysat once as an infant (I provided an actual booklet of how to look after him for 2 hours while I went to a movie, then didn't enjoy the movie at all because I was sure that the apartment building would come crashing down or the babysitter might try to give him a baby cookie, then not watch him with an acceptable level of attentiveness).

So I've had other babies and I think my paranoia level has subsided to a reasonable extent. In fact, I refuse to even look in a parenting book unless it's one that describes an actual rash that is on my child- because too many parenting books will ruin your life. There is no horror book on this earth with a more sombre thread of fear mongering than current parenting books. Michael Moore be damned.

Anyhow, I digress. The point is that he made it and what would I ever do without him? Happy birthday to my 11 year old. Luckily he is oblivious enough to the amount of terror heaped upon me the day the hospital handed him to me and told me to take him home. ME?!?!??????? Are you sick in the HEAD???

Anyhow, this morning he got a new pokemon game for his nintendo ds thingy and a book and a superduper automatic nerf dart weapon... so he's all good. I just hope the ds doesn't explode and render him disfigured for the rest of his life... Or that being exposed to a toy gun instills a sense of weapons being fun, landing him in prison later with all of the other criminals who were given nerf weapons of mass destruction as children.... or the book gives him a paper cut on his eye. We have to think of these things.

One Small Step For Teenagers... One Giant Leap For Hormones

Last night was Hope's eighth grade graduation... you heard me right, they have graduation for eighth graders now. Back in the day when I was leaving eighth grade, we simply walked out of the building and were told to not screw up our lives in high school by doing drugs and having sex. There was no pomp and circumstance.

But like I always say... times have changed.

After the graduation Mass there was a dance for the kids. I signed up to chaperone because Hope LOVES it when I do those kinds of things... and when the music started I just couldn't help myself and I felt to need to move a little to the music-just sway, maybe tap my foot... nothing obscene-but Hope told me that I had to sit in the corner and not move at all.

What a party pooper.

So after sitting there with a girlfriend for a little bit, we noticed that there were PLENTY of chaperones and so she and I went across the street to drink for 2 hours while the party was going on.

It was one of the best eighth grade graduations ever.

Oh relax, I only had one beer... okay, two. Oh, and we had crab dip-so that made the trip worth it. Although, they served it with pita bread and I prefer lightly toasted baguette... but I am not one to complain. Ever. (giggle)

I walked back in the party I noticed all of the kids were in one big mosh pit in the corner of the dance floor. I knew exactly what they were doing in that tight circle they made... I know because I was once 14 and I remember-like a freakin' elephant I remember-they were "dirty dancing" up in that circle. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. a-hem.

One mom walked over to me and said "I don't know why they are dancing in that circle like that."

Duh!

What happened to moms today? When did they forget what it was like to be a teenager with hormones raging and the need to dance and flirt and laugh and like boys and giggle and try and pull one over on the chaperones at the cafeteria dance?

I wonder what it is like to go through life with blinders on...

Anyway, when Hope was done taking pictures of everyone and getting everyones phone number programed in her cell phone because they are going to be life long friends and blah blah blah... we went home.

As we were walking into the house she turns to me and says "Mom... do you know what "grinding" is?"

Me: "Yes Hope... I invented grinding."

Hope: "Gross... thanks a lot mom for that image."

Me: "Anytime."

Kids.... they think they are Neil Armstrong.

Pffft.

Men I Am Zany For... #5

Jamie Foxx

Poor Jamie Foxx... all he has going for him are acting chops, perfect comic timing, great classical musician, excellent Hip-Hop artist, gracious under pressure & yummy, sexy/hot good looks.