If I start wearing jeggings, you'll know what happened.

I got a stupid flu shot. Now I feel drunk or something (I hope it lasts), so of course I'm going to write a poorly constructed blog entry about it.

Before getting it, the health nurse at the clinic asked me if I am allergic to formaldehyde or thimerosal while I signed a waiver: um, isn't everyone allergic to formaldehyde and thimerosal? Thimerosal contains mercury, in case you're wondering. Mercury causes MadNeSs.

So how do you even know if you're allergic to neurotoxins? I seem to be okay, right? The last time I had formaldehyde cookies, I might have gotten a weensy bit itchy- but overall I think I'm okay. I also think the school "peanut & formaldehyde/mercury free lunch" policy is a little drastic. Do we have to deprive them of EVERYTHING they love just because a couple of kids caught madness? Psh. Just look at old Vladimir Lenin. He loves his formaldehyde and he's a pretty important guy. Besides, I had plenty of formadlehyde and thimerosal when I was a kid and I don't have any more brain damage than anyone else from my generation graduating class. It's not just a neurotoxin after all, it's also an important preservative and fungicide. MmmM... stick it in my muscles, please.

Here's a story: We used to play liquid mercury blob hockey with our pencils in the the science lab in ninth grade while our teacher was ignoring us. It was pretty cool. Am I digressing? What? Mercury? Hmm? Also, we usually left the gas on at our bunson burner stations. Small town schools have small budgets for things like 'safety' or 'common sense' or 'teaching' (no offense, DBS). I've always wanted to make fancy hats for the Queen.

This guy sticks his bare hands in mercury all the time and he doesn't look very crazy at all.

So anyway, I did not go to the clinic this morning thinking that I was going to be injected with anything and to tell you the truth, I have been doing a fair bit of yapping about how I'll never get a flu shot and how the flu shot is to blame for everything from jeggings to hipsters, is a big government/drug company conspiracy to control our minds with formaldehyde, fear and mercury and it's not even organic etc etc. So why did I break down and do it? There are 3 things that happened to make me get injected, and I'll tell you them:

1. I pretty much work entirely on impulse. To say I'm impulsive is like saying that there is a crumb or two under my couch cushions, when really I've planted a lovely garden of rare mushrooms on top of the layer of dust and new topsoil which rests upon my kids' toys, remote controls, cordless phones, dvd cases and granola bar wrappers. It's called making the most of a bad situation, you guys.

So... impulse. They had a poster saying that I could get a flu shot TODAY, it was FREE and there was already a stranger standing there with her needles ready, I had a 10 minute wait... so... yep. I would have gotten my blood sugar tested at the next poking booth if I'd have had more time. Is that a heroin booster clinic? Why even think about it? Sign me up.


2. The impulse was driven by the fact that my 2 year old had to get her booster shot, which is why I was at the clinic to begin with and I thought she'd feel better if I got a needle too. This decision took 4 seconds to make.

PS. She didn't care that I got a needle, she was just pissed in general over hers. She snarled & threw her Cinderella sticker at the nurse as hard as she could and basically turned into this creature for the rest of the day:


3. I watched 4 episodes of AMC's Walking Dead with Neil last night and decided that I never want to actually catch anything or end up living in a tent town outside of Atlantic City with a ragtag group of offensively stereotypical people. I also want to avoid crowded areas while riding on my stolen horse in case I am attacked by zombies (or geeks). They'll eat your horse too, you know. They don't even CARE about horses. So, injecting myself with things will prevent that, right? Of course. So basically, now I think that the drug companies are in cahoots with zombie movie makers to get you to get a flu shot. I'm already a victim. Yeah, I don't know why you're still reading this, either. But here I go, just type type typing away and you're reading it.


4. They still have a giant, colorful bowl of free condoms at the front desk of the clinic. That doesn't have anything to do with this post (or does it? they did have 2 other poking stations, after all), but I blushed when I looked at it. Because condoms=sex and that=feelings. Especially if you look at the bowl of condoms and then accidentally make eye contact with another person in the waiting room. What if they think you looked at the condoms and then looked at them because you want to use the condoms on them? That could be pretty awkward. Especially if you look at the old woman offering to test your blood sugar after looking at the condom bowl? What if she tested it and found prude cells in your blood sugar? That would be pretty embarrassing. I'd probably shift around in my seat and check my blackberry, pretending to text people if they found that out. I'd even say, "ZOMG that made me L.O.L" to make it seem more authentic. I wouldn't really text people though, because that gets expensive.



The End.

All I know is....

There had better be a person called, "Milestone" who owns this restaurant, because every time I drive past it, the Grammar Stickler/Super Nerd inside of me goes completely berserk. One day I am going to stomp right in and demand to meet Milestone, owner of Milestone's and if they can't produce such a person, I am going to return under the cloak of darkness and sharpie out that offensive apostrophe.

Chapter One of my Movie Idea for James Cameron.

I think it'll really tickle his fancy.

Once upon a time there was a tall guy who was a waiter but also he could fly. Sometimes on days when the restaurant was super devilishly busy, he would fly just a little bit- like an inch high or something- so that he could get the food to the people who wanted the food really fast but nobody saw him flying not even his parents. Then he got good tips.

Except once when a very ugly girl saw him hovering auspiciously and she said, "Hey waiter! You are flying! How are you doing that? Also, I want some deep fried pickles and hey, maybe a strawberry milkshake." Because after all, she was there for lunch. So he said, "Hey, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not even able to fly because that would be impossible to the laws of physics and biotic sciences, but I will get you those pickles faster than a bolt of thunder from a storm of speed" but he was lying because he really was secretly flying before but then just landed when the girl said that she saw him (to throw her off his trail) and sometimes he had to lie to protect his hidden identity of someone who can also fly besides being a great waiter. Sometimes also, he flew in front of people a little bit, but then just said he was faking it like Kris Angel.

So then the girl told her best friend who was there too for a while, that that guy was flying food around before and her friend, Jan-eese, said that she didn't believe her wanton claim of flying waiters. The gril was very frustrated because she deeply believed in what she saw. It was truer to her than a million suns of roasting heat, burnishing in her soul.

Then she went up to the flying waiter and said secretly to him that she knew he could fly and that she wouldn't tell anyone else and besides, Jan-eese didn't even believe her and now they were not even best friends anymore because true friends belive there friends no matter what. His mind was shcoaked and awed by her compassionate words of astute tenderness. Nobody ever told him that they would keep it a secret before and he knew he could trust her because of the deep pools of applicable truth he saw deep deep deep in her feminine eyes.

She took off her glasses and shook her head until her golden summery hair fell out of its updo and unbuttoned her shirt two buttons and hiked up her skirt a little, slipping into high heels instead of boring sneakers and then he finally saw that she was suddenly more attractive because he hadn't seen it before because of all the glasses and things disguising her beauty like a hidden leprechaun of winsomeness.


He held her in his brawny, tanned, shirtless arms and said, "It's just us now."
"We're in this together", she said back.
"Forever.", he said after she said her line.
"Always.", she said breathlessly and luridly. And then she gave him an orange that she had.
"Until all the eternal forests fall from the firey death of silver sorrow" He said right into her face.
"Until all deserts fade from the views of winged eagles", she said

Then Meatloaf burst through the wall on his gallant motorcyle and sang, "I would do anything for love" and they slowdanced, ignoring the whole world and all the customers except for Meatloaf. Then he stayed and actually ate some real meatloaf because it was the special of the day.

The mysterious and tall waiter grabbed her face tenderly like a horse-master lovingly stirs toward the face of his prized horse and told her....

"Come with me, I want to show you something." And then they went to the closet at the restaurant and she said, "Wait, are you going to show me your crotch?" and he said no so she said ok. Then he lifted a mysterious bottle of ketchup and the roof in the closet opened and they could fly away in protected secrecy. He gripped her arm and they flew up to the clouds of wondrous strangement and she wasn't even heavy.

"How are you doing this?", she yelled because it was windy and loud and she had to speak up.
"WHAT?" he said because she still couldn't hear her.
"WHY CAN YOU FLY?", she yelled right into his ear so that he could hear her this time. Then he said he didn't know but that her hair was so jaw droppingly windblown and he always wanted to make out with someone with windblown tendrils of blonden locks.

Then he was only wearing skintight jeans, so then she was like, "O.K." and then when they were over the pearly waves of the ocean, they made out passionately and then they saw dolphins jump into heart formations with the spray from their dolphin blowholes spraying into their faces and their wind blown and tangled hair tangling together in tangles of fervish ferver and then she said that she never made out with anyone like that before and he said he knew that. He didn't really know it for sure but it seemed true, he didn't want to hurt his new girlfriend's feelings so he agreed to himself to just let it go. Also his name was Justyn. Then they fed the dolphins some fish that they remembered to bring from the restaurant.

Then they combed out their tangles while they sat on a rock on an island in the ocean that nobody could get to unless they could fly or had access to a helicopter or were really good at parachute landing and decided that they should have a picnic on top of the Eiffle tower the next night. So then he said to meet him in this very spot at 5 pm and they would go so she said ok after they argued about who had to make the picnic. And then they had to go back to their fake lives for the rest of the day.

Then at five o clock, he waited on the rock. He waited and waited but she never showed up. He thought that she must have changed her mind about their love and his heart broke and he said, "Cruel fate! You've taken my love from me. You're forced me into the dark crevice of headlong despair! WHY? WHY was I so selfish about her making the picnic??!? I must throw my body against the rocks of time!" and then he threw himself into the ocean where an octopus ate his legs off, which it turns out he needed for balance when he was flying after all. But really she didn't show up because they forgot that she needed to be able to fly to even get there.

Poor Arlene (That's the girl's name. Arlene.) watched helplessly from the shore, unable to get his attention because she caught tonsillitis that afternoon and couldn't yell loud enough. She ran home as fast as she could and got her seadoo and jumped into the ocean and saved Justyn's life. "I'm sure you'll be able to fly again! They can make a prosthetic jetpack... we'll invent a hover wheelchair" she said. But he just flopped around cermonically unable to find his center. Finally he looked deeply into her eyes and stroked her cheek with his looooooong fingers and said, "Arlene, you are the apple of my life. I will... never.... forget..." and he slipped into a mysterious and dark coma. Then the octopus that ate Justyn's legs tried to jump on her and eat her legs too because he'd been introduced to the fleshy taste of human legs and he LIKED it. So she punched him and all of the sudden she had super strength from being traumatized. That's how it worked, the shock of seeing her flightman crash against the waves released the secret brain chemical into her blood system that gave her super strength and the octopus flew a hundred miles, landing on the deck of the cantankerous Captain Conjuction (to be played by James Woods).....

To be ctd. in Chapter Two where they escape to the Alaskan wilderness and she decides to give Justyn her very own legs.

Yeah. I don't know why you read this , either.