Nevermind the Bollocks.

YEAH when I draw squids, they look like peeners.  I tried to avoid it, my circumspect READERS.  But it was so eloquently pointed out *snicker..pointed* when I'd hoped that nobody would notice. 

"NooOOooo... they won't say your cave squid looks penisy, Self. It's barely noticeable. They know you'd never try and draw penii and put them on the internet.  Your readers know you, Self.  They know you have a very sharp and pristine mind.  You were raised better than that."

JUST NEVER MIND, SICKOS.  It's nature.

I guess I'm just like Walt Disney, sneaking phalluses into all of my drawings.  Look it up, you guys.  It's the truth that Disney Studios put peeners in almost all of their movies.  I live with an animator, he confirmed this truth.   It's because I'm practically in the Freemasons now.  I'm verging on becoming Becky.  Totally by accident. 

Anyhow, I'm right now trying to get out of my house, but everyone keeps migrating back to their screens of choice.  I wanted to go pick up some magnetic discs and stuff and a glue gun so that we could make robots but apparently I'M the only one who thinks that would be an awesome idea.  Mine would probably look like a big tin can of a tallywhacker anyway.

Here is a quick story:  I went to my friend's birthday party on Saturday and she made me have too much scotch.  She made me.  What a bad friend.  I came home with a fancy shoebox full of the following things:  A turkey baster (shaped like a turkey), some books, a bluray of Alice in Wonderland & my ukulele.  I hope I didn't steal any of those things.   Well not my ukulele, obviously.  The shoe box was noticably missing shoes.   I also remember making a mental note to add all of the people I met at the party on facebook, but come morning, it seemed less of an excellent idea.  Also, I didn't feel very good on Sunday.  Scottish Flu or something.  Here is the only photo I took.

Basically I'm doing everything wrong, but everyone seems to have gathered at the front door, so I will have to continue this epic blog entry later.  In the mean time, enjoy these arsty photos that I took:

I took this photo earlier this winter.  Snowy.  Snow on the hood of my car that day.  

At a local sweets shop.

A wicked lightning shot I took when I was visiting Alberta last summer.

At the pier.

Amazing mast. 

A beautiful sunny morning at a campsite we stayed in. 

Ok, I have to stop this now.  My reputation is going to be ruined.

In which I play plagued to save Christmas.

Today I join the ranks of cut-throat deal shoppers. The annual Warehouse toy sale is today. This means ridiculously cheap brand name toys and 23847293487293423428792873 shrewd and heartless Moms & Grammies.

Normally, I hate shopping (and don't get me wrong, I still hate shopping), however..... for the past few years, I've managed to get allllll the Christmas gifts for the kids for under $300. Thus, I have to do it. Biting this bullet ensures that I will not have to step foot in even one mall in December and THAT is a beautiful thing. This toy sale is brutes, though. SOMANYPEOPLE. You have to have a contingency plan, I've found. The year before last, waiting in the 3 hour line was like playing survivor. You have to choose the correct line & form alliances with other people so that you can go to the bathroom sometimes and be willing to step over people who have died, or you will never get out. The more friends you make in line, the faster you get to the cashier. You divide and conquer. I have a new strategy. I am ready.

I've put on my protective gear, practiced my contagious sounding cough and painted red around my eyes.. because nothing makes people back the #$%& off like a really contagious looking sale-crazed woman. "Um.. maybe we should come back later.." they'll say as I am writhing & drooling alkaseltzer bubbles from my mouth in front of the 2010 Holiday Barbies. What this conveys is, "Back off people, I'm going to be first in line here. If you want one of these Barbies, you'll have to go to your car and get your hand sanitizer first", leaving me a large enough window of time to get in, get my shiz and get. out. Or maybe they'll call the police. Who knows? You have to take risks if you want your holiday season to be truly wonderful. I need to find some way to spurt fake blood around.

K, gotta go do my warm ups.

____________________

UPDATE:

Video blog. Go me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOQy1Qtiz1E

Saw Hawksley Workman

Hawksley & Mr Lonely

This was easily the best little concert/show/whatever I've seen. This includes Coheed & Cambria in Hawaii in '05 when I had stage side VIP seating and Claudio Sanchez played his guitar with his FACE that day- and played it WELL, people. It was pretty much the most awesome thing ever. I tried playing MY guitar with my face later that evening, but I had only brought an acoustic guitar and the stupid Hawaiian humidity kept warping stuff and it wouldn't stay in tune. I put on an interesting show on the hotel balcony that evening. But C & C have lost it to Hawksley. That'll teach them for having a short set list and for sweating on me when they walked by later. I don't care who you are. If you sweat on me when you walk by, a little piece of my love for you will die (Hey- those could be song lyrics!!).

Coheed & Cambria '05 - Claudio playing with his face... be still my heart.

Yep, Hawksley & Mr Lonely on the pian-a there pretty much took my breath away. You felt like you were standing in his living room at a party. Plus we took full advantage of the Canadian politeness and rudely shoved our way to the front, apologizing as we went. "Oh Excuse me, sorry, yes.... excuse me.. if I could just... stand.. directly in front of you... that's great thanks". Nobody said a WORD. Heh. Those dumb other Canadians. After I'd beaten the twitty little couple in front of me who chose to stare deeply into each other's 4-beers-down-the-hole-and-skipped-lunch-love-stuck-eyes-rather-than-watch-the-show-from-the-front-row to death with their own legs, the atmosphere was perfect.

If you get the chance, you should go. His live show is all kinds of wonderful. It was like the Rheostatics meet Tom Waits' perfect exhibitionism in a mad little piano bar.

Plus at the end of the day, I snagged his guitar pick off the stage. I went for Les Paul at first, but they slapped my hand. Jeez, you know. It's not like he can't afford another one.

Pantyhose & creole succotash.

So, a touch of drama hit my life for a while there, Nerdherd. I won't elaborate but you'll be pleased to know that I've tucked it all away neatly again like a canned spring snake & it's now safely hidden amongst my campbell's soup and tinned corn niblits with all of the labels peeled off for the next time.

I am entertaining some pretty fancy company tonight. I'm making rum ribs & succotash. Need dessert idears, though.... Something with chocolate and preferably heavy cream & maybe lard. Y'know, something I could bread, deep fry and dump whipped cream, cookie dough & booze onto. Maybe crumble some chips on there as well for decoration.

Speaking of decorations, I'm off to work on my pantyhose-squirrel table centerpiece. Gotta give the glue on those googly eyes time to dry. Don't want a pantyhose squirrel's googly eye falling in anyone's baby duck at dinner.

Just take a gander at this book, fans! Why just look at the cover! WHAT A GOLDMINE OF IDEAS!! A pantyhose quilt??!! Pantyhose with metal circles in them hanging from the window as curtains???!! A pantyhose Duggar Family??!!? SIGN ME THE %$#@ UP!