Fizzy Raisin Hooch Yeast. You know you want to look.

I am up to some bread hijinks.  That's what passes for excitement for me right now.  Bread.  Hijinks.  For Science. 

So I've been watching some youtubes about baking.  I'll tell you,  Readers, you get some fancy ideas when you go on a late night youtube trip that begins with stupid Michele Bachmann montages; carrying through to Jon Stewart arguing with Glenn Beck; then onward-ho to evolution arguments and talented dogs with a finish, obviously on bread recipes (with a little of this and a little of that thrown in for good viewing measure).  Youtube is a strange animal.  It placates me and puts me into a hypnotic, vapid state; for youtube hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.  Or something.

In any case, one youtube video resulted in me making THIS:

Raisin Experiment Day 1

Day 2.  OMG. 

This, everyone,  is future natural bread yeast- from raisins.  RAISINS.  Shut up, you guys. Let's all just accept that I know it looks like a jar of something digested and that raisins are gross to begin with.  That is beside the point here.  Anyhow, I didn't know it would get that sick looking.  The point is that they are raisins and they've begun to float; which is apparently a crucial sign of success in the process of turning raisins into bread yeast according to the lady on youtube (who doesn't speak English but whatevs).

I am so excited that the raisins are floating.  Aren't you? 

And you know, you guys, if this works, I'll never have to pay $3 for a year's worth of store-bought yeast again!!  The savings!  Plus it's a little bit sciency and I am about 8000% sure it will result in some remarkably ugly bread.  Until then, I have to wait for the raisins to fizz which I guess takes 7-10 days.  Then just 7 more days of letting it ferment into raisin hooch yeast.  Let the good times roll.  

So anyway, that isn't all, you guys.  I am ALSO trying out a new bread recipe (also found via a weird youtube/google blend), which you may be stunned to find out, calls for neither oil nor sugar.  If you are some kind of kitchen genius with mad bread skillz like me, you will understand why this is baffling.  Firstly, I've never made bread without these 2 ingredients and Secondly (and mostly), why would anyone make anything without oil and/or sugar?  Like seriously.   I am finding out.  So far it IS raising and it does look like Michael Moore which, in the world of bread dough, is good I guess.

Actual photo. 

I don't know why I need to photoshop celebrities onto my bread, you guys.   It is not something that has been diagnosed yet.   You just enjoy it and stop asking questions.  

And Then I Made some Nice Chicken

 And then I became a vegetarian. 

Because now whenever I look at it, all I can think about is George Hamilton: the most tanned man in Hollywood. 
 

Was it wrong of me to make this photo?  Nobody knows.  Time will tell.

RHODA HAS AN OWNER!!

Firstly:

GET IT? Val-INTESTINES!?!? Funny eh? This valentine doubles as a valentine for Neil.

Secondly, it's time to roll out the pretend red... carpet? Because it's time to draw a name for Rhodaaa.

Rhoda.

I had an overwhelming response to this years' giveaway, that is to say 9 people entered. NINE. Someone fan me, I'm going to faint. No really, nine is splendid. It multiplies by three. And seven eight nine. Get it? EIGHT=ATE? Like you do to bread? No? Ok. (You 8 the bread).

Well I am happy with 9. I mean sure I wanted a celebrity like Prime Minister Stephen Harper to to enter by posting himself baking some hilaaaarious, ugly bread on his super exciting blog, but we just can't win them all.

Stephen Harper! Stop getting fresh with Rhoda's cleavage. She's dead, you know. *tsk*

I had imagined myself getting Rhoda all ready, putting her in an envelope for Mr Harper, licking the glue part, putting on stamps lovingly and popping it in the mailbox. I KNOW Stephen Harper would be pacing around Parliament with his blackberry, combing his hair, palms sweating while he waited. But he missed out, Readers. I guess he just doesn't have his thumb on the pulse of what is happening in Canada as much as he thinks, because he totally missed the sock zombie floozy gravy train.

If he had entered and won, I'm pretty sure he would have asked me to deliver it in person anyway, but you can't just go meeting people from the internet willy nilly. I don't know Stephen Harper from Adam. He could be some kind of freak sitting in his Mom's basement, only taking short breaks from World of Warcraft to troll on parenting forums. PSH. I'm glad he didn't win.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah.. sock zombie!

I was going to photograph the name being pulled, but I found a WEBSITE that will do it for me. Namely, Random.org. This way, I can just paste all 40ish of the entries from the pages document I was keeping and hit randomize. That sounds pretty easy! I don't have to cut any dangerous paper! Whomever is at the top of the list after hitting "generate" will be the winner of Rhoda. For transparency, I've taken a half assed screen shot of it.

I am not going to lie. I want Jen O to win because the postage to her place from my place would be pretty cheap.

H'ok. Drumroollllllllllllll:

Breathe, Self
Breathe, Everyone
Calm down.
Here we go...............
Just a second, I got too excited and spilled my coffee.
By "I spilled my coffee" I of course mean that I missed my mouth when I tried to take a sip...
*I do realize that you can just skip ahead of my irritating pretend suspense*
*mopping up coffee*
*changing shirt*
*Refilling cup*
*some cream, some sugar*
*stir stir stir stir stir*
What was I doing?
Oh yeah, telling you about the new coffee I bought. Van Houten or something, dark roast. It's pretty awesome. I'm switching brands from Nabob Full City Dark.
I KNOW! I said I'd never change!
Yeah, I use three heaping tablespoons to 10 cups of water.
I know it sounds like a lot. Just tap the bottom of the spoon twice on the side of the can before putting it in the filter. Perfect every time.
Try it. I'll wait.
You're taking too long.

ALRIGHT. Now that I'm done being hilarious to myself like Jeff Propst does when he announces the winner of Survivor, here we go. I'm going to hit randomize and then take a screen shot of it riiiiiiight.......
NOW!




AJM! IT'S AJM! AJM HAS WON! SHE'S GOT THE GOLDEN TIIIIIIIIIICKET, SHE'S GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE...TO..... LOOK up the lyrics to Willy Wonka songs... or whatever...

She won thanks to her Amish Orphan Laser Finger Bread!!!!1!

Gross!

Congrats, AJM. I know that this will probably change your life. Don't forget who you are. You're probably about to find out which of your friends really care about you and who just wants a piece of what you got (which is Amish friendship bread starter baggies). So now you just have to send me your mailing address (You didn't think this through did, you!?). You will find my contact information in the new CONTACT ME link. I feel like a pretty important business person now that I have that CONTACT ME page. Like I'm futureshop or something. I'd link you there from this post, but I really want you to have to click CONTACT ME up at the top of my page, just under my header.

I had to embed this dumb homemade version of Golden Ticket instead of the real Grandpa Joe version because apparently the embedding was disabled on the awesome one, ruining this whole blog.

For those of you who didn't win, I think you'll be able to relate to this :
Hitler doesn't get a Golden Ticket.
(except I don't think any of you are horrible, angry, murderous dictators... At least none of you are all of those things.)


Now go see the other entries:

Ryan made bread! There is also a bonus photo that I won't tell you about in there. You'll just have to see for yourself.

Alli's Human Baby Bread. I call it Maury. Maury has a skin condition: Dermalicious-itis


DBS's Pupae Alien Buns. I've never said that sentence before. Weird. I'd resolve to say it more.. but.. *inaudible*.



Baron's middle of the night sandwich messages in mustard. I really think he should make it a weekly feature. It could be the new twitter.



Cookie Monster's cookie monsters, featuring heavily: Hanky the Christmas Poo.

Vapid's really excellent photoshop. My readers are all about Hanky the Christmas Poo... And obviously relate bread to poo cartoons. I keep a high caliber of internet company. :)


Elly sings a song by Bread with Herbert, the ukulele I covet... And posts a picture of this guy.

Jen O is not a serial killer. She's a Mom and a writer and a nice person.


Thanks, guys! I was surprised by how many people actually MADE bread! You could have just made pancakes, dummies.

Until next time!

Feb 18: *edited to bury.... It's an OCD. thing.   This was posted on Feb 14th.

SoCk ZOmbiE 2011. GIVEAWAY.

Remember Sock Zombie 2010? This guy:

I held a competition where people showcased their ugliest possessions in order to earn ballots for the draw. The winner of this precious fellow, readers, was Keeping You Awake. Go visit his blog about how winning this contest changed his life last year.


Well that's over. Now it's time for Sock Zombie 2011. This year, I made Sock Zombie a Lay-Dy, and you could win her:


Sock Zombie 2011

OooOooh! I shall call her Rhoda and she shall be my favourite.


Such slender arms.


Such a lifelike tooth..


Theeeeeere she is... MISs UH.... Canadaaaaaaa.... she's so GoRGEoooouS... You want to OWn Her so muuuuuuuuuuch! A stranger made her and put her on her bloooOOOOOG! This song is just now starting to suuuuck. *ahem*

So anyway...She features: handmade teeth (sculpey) and protruding arm bone (also sculpey), a giant icky gash in her head, boobies & shapely rear end, attractive pink tube dress, beady white eyes, lashes, voluptuous sagging lips, dark circles and a pretty swanky hairstyle. I think she represents my blog fairly accurately. So if YOU want to win her, here is what you have to do:

1. Create a post before February 12th, 2011 on your blog.

2. That post will have to contain a link back to this blog.

3. The post will have to adhere the following theme: Ugly Bread. If you are unfamiliar with ugly bread, click on my ugly bread category and get acquainted. It's my favourite category.

4. Include ONE of these three options in your blog post:

*REAL ugly bread that you made yourself. Include a photo of your bread disaster (earns 3 entries);
*bread photoshopped in a funny way (2 entries);
*a photo of regular boring bread from wherever (1 lousy entry).

*I reserve the right to add entries in your name if I feel like you really went all out; like overboard.

You only get to post about this ONE TIME, so choose wisely little readers.

4. Come back here and leave me a link to your post in my comments so that I'll know that you've entered the contest. Otherwise you might get missed! Oh no! All that work for what? Bubkis.

5. I don't want to see: bodily fluids, illegal stuff, poop (just to clarify- this is the internet after all), naked anything or just really gross stuff. I'm saying no genitals photoshopped onto bread, please. Please. I've already imagined it and ruined all the associated funniness you might be imagining about it. I won't put your name in if you don't listen to me.

6. This year, there will be no email entries. Sorry guys. You have to be brave and post it on your site to earn an entry!

7. Canada, USA and UK only. Postage is too crazy expensive for me to send anywhere else and I already had to pay for the tube socks. The buttons are second hand, recycled Value Village buttons! These zombies are excellent for the environments. I am rambling.

H'ok... So then on Valentines Day 2011, I will have someone else, probably Neil, pull an entry from a mug/hat/paper bag/something and announce the winner with a post & link to their blog! WoOOoooOhoooOOt.

Neil will be so pleased that our Valentines date is already planned now!! *high five* *Neil high fives back for pretend because he is currently downstairs doing paperwork in his office and by paperwork I mean watching evaluating cartoons animation for his job*


***coming soon: the making of Rhoda.

Bisausaketges

Yesterday, I made more bread. Was it ugly, Michelle? Was it ugly? WAS IT? UGLY? MICHELLE? Was the bread you made ugly?

NO! It wasn't ugly, it was darling! I made delicious sausages cooked inside of delicious home made cheese biscuits. Piggies in a Blanket [1] Even the name is all cozy. Sausage rolls. Flesh 'n Bunz. Sausage Snuggies Bisausaketges (win!). Have a look:

OMG ADORABLE!

I want to prance around with them in a baby pram. Okay, so they're a smidgen ugly- but in that homely baby way. You know, like when someone's baby looks half alien & half hairless mole-rat and somehow retains its cuteness. I always find this incredibly miraculous. All of my children were tooth chatteringly attractive, so I have a difficult time dealing with this. It just goes to show that babycharm and super cute pajamas are important, or maybe I'm just really good at feeling sorry for ugly babies and homely meaty treats [2]... anyhow, I could put a bonnet on the sausages when we go for walks. That might help.

New mother: This is my new baby, "Atticus Breayndyrnegh"!

Me: *eyeballs enlarge* uh huh...

NM: Yeah, we made up the name. He looks just like my mother, don't you think?

Me: *inaudible mumbling avoidy sound*

*Atticus somehow makes his facial expression look like how sad your heart feels when you watch teenaged Eric Stolz play that kid with the giant disfigured face and Cher was his Mom. *

*I just can't judge that poor baby. My heart is too broken for Eric Stolz.*

Me: AwWwwWWWW! Poor Atticus-Watticus! I wuvs him. Wuvywuv. Poor homely, adorable Atticus. Him looks like a little sausage biscuit. Yes him does. I'm gonna eat him! I'm gonna eat up Atticus! Nomnomnom! Atticus McCheesyBiscuits!

NM: Give me my baby back please.

Me: Just a second...

*ahem*

So anyway. I made them as part of our dinner. HIT! Also, they are great for when you want to make lazy types of things but it looks like you tried pretty hard. That's why I'm including the recipe at the end of this post. Plus you can take pictures of them and then draw cartoons about them later:

You could do that if you wanted.
*Note: This is certainly not a cartoon about Phil Spector murdering anyone. It's about... the plight of sausage biscuits.
I have plenty of tact left.


It's only a coincidence that this bisausaketge looks exactly like Phil Spector. I'm sure that he was a perfectly cute baby once.

Recipe for Biscuits:

2 cups flour
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/4 cup shortening or lard
1 cup milk
*optional 1/2 cup shredded cheddar (add with dry ingredients)

Mix dry ingredients, cut in shortening until the pieces are really tiny. Add milk and stir just until moist. Will be sticky. Pat out the dough on a floured surface about 3/4 to one inch thick, cut out biscuits. Be careful not to overwork the dough.

Bake @ 400 degrees for 12 minutes until nice and brown.

To make Bisausaketges like these ones, cook your sausages and wrap them in the dough, then bake for 15 mins. Try and make it seem difficult when you present them.

[1] I had no idea pigs in a blanket had such a rich and diverse cultural history.
[2]Yeah, I said meaty treats

What is the best way to celebrate Blue Monday?

Why not start by making a cake that ends up looking like Steve Buscemi was baked into it? What could be more depressing?

Dear Steve,

I apologize for baking your eyes into my ugly Blue Monday cake. I can empathize with how alarming this whole scenario might be for you. You see, what happened is that my friend, Janna, posted a picture of her glorious home made chocolate cake on facebook. Secondly, tomorrow is the most depressing day of the year, according to top chocolate sales people. Well, Steve, I didn't feel like making scratch cake, so I made the vanilla cake mix that was way in the back of my cabinet. It was all I had, Steve. It was all I had.

I didn't have enough eggs. I thought it would be okay, Steve.

I'm sorry Steve Buscemi. I just want you to know that this baking disaster even beats the Clint Howard Bread of 2008. By far. You should be pleased to be featured in my celeb-coveted ugly-bread category. It's not you- it's the bread. You should just be happy to find that the goiter this cake suffers from is not terribly apparent in the photo I chose. Here, I'll show you, Steve:

I'm afraid that we must never eat this frowning Steve Buscemi Goiter Blue Monday cake.

I just wanted some cake like Janna has.

Love Michelle

(PS.. LOVE Boardwalk Empire. If you need an on-set cake baker, just let me know.)

Previous Post: Ale Sing You a Lullabye

Don't you challenge ME about cinnamon buns.

Oh. So you don't believe I'm making cinnamon buns right now, eh Steffaneveryone Facebook? Eh? You don't believe me? Hmm? Do you? No. You don't. Oh facebook, you are a fool because I AM. I'm making them. Well I've started. I have an hour and a half to kill until the dough is ready so.... here I am proving it on the internet instead of cleaning the bookshelf.

Normally, I might have crapped out and turned my bread dough into a regular loaf of bread, but since my ladylike integrity has been put to the test, well now I have to follow through. It's my great gran's recipe/word of mouth-ipe, save for the convenience of the bread machine to do all the thinking. The REST is her way. After the dough is done, I mean. But the dough is her recipe too, you guys, it just happens to be bread-machineable. Hurray Great Grandma Sammy! You forward thinker. In case you missed, or are incapable of scrolling down 4 or 5 blogs, this is her:

"I'm making cinnamon buns, fools"

So HA! Lookie: The dough is on it's way:

Yep. This adventure has started. I'm all the way in now. I've even shown you my Grandmother & my lard. *oh my*!

But alas, I've done all I can do for now. Cinnamon buns involve quite a lot of waiting. Photographic Update coming in 1 hour 45 mins.

In the mean time, here is a story: Once when I was about 9, I tried to put together a mostly decomposed cow skeleton with my cousin, Billy. The idea being that if we rearranged it and made it look like an alien, we could convince a scientist to give us quite a substantial amount of money to study it. It was like a Looong snake-cow alien. We wished that the OTHER dead cow would have decomposed faster so that we could have used its bones, too. Killjoy. It would have been almost fool proof.

Oh what a fool that scientist would be! But he wouldn't discover his grave error until we were long gone in our ferraris. BwahahahahAAAA!! No scientists came along to the pasture, though. Opportunity-MISSED.

Here we are on our way to Disneyland. We look distracted because we were busy thinking of ways to extort the owners of this mini merry go round. Notice my intimidating outlaw neck bandana and Billy practicing his Mr Burns-hand. Brains & Brawn. PS.. somehow, my hair magically turned a natural shade of platinum blonde between then and now... *cough*


Stay tuned...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that day.....PART 2Tada! So the dough finished up its magic- time to take it out and try to remember how to make cinnamon buns.

Here's a tip: don't leave your dough alone for even a SECOND. You know, you turn around once and BAM. It has a sexy slave. Hassle.

So I set aside the princess and rolled out the dough, added all the secret ingredients and rolled it up, like so:

Patting it out. Sorry dough. Funtime is over.



Cutting it into 12 even parts is where my math skills really come in handy. Thanks, Mr Shoultz.... for FAILING me so that I have complete meltdowns every time I think about scary, scary numbers. *bitter glare*


arrange arrange arrange

Now I have to wait for it to rise for like 45 min. This is why I don't make them often. It's an all day kind of commitment.

More to come. Let us have a spot of tea while we wait, shall we, internet?

So, Miss Honytrinkle, I DO hope you brought those scumptious home made pickles to the tea party! And you, Mr Furthermore? Are you going to play us a tea-time tune on your harpsichord? What a lark! Have you finished taking inventory of your rare sweater collection, Mrs Beenile? Any luck with those ideas you were pitching, Mr Himmler?.... Oh I KNOW, he can be so bossy. Yeah, I totally saw those pants *snicker*. Does he think he looks emo or something with that moustache?? WHAT? Oh Himmler... Oh NO HE DIN'T!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 3- They're done! Yay!


They have risen. Hallelujah.


All done.


Flip 'em over and they are sticky, freaking awesomeness- because I ALWAYS double the sticky stuff and never ever put in raisins. Any other way is a total waste of time.


So THERE, Internet. Now I can have a shower. Yay!

OOOoooOOH!
I'm a leetle Teapot
Short und Shtout!
Das ist Mein Handle
Das ist Mein Shpout
Ven I get all shteamed up
He-ah me SHOUT:
ZE VERY FIRST ESSENTIAL FOR SUCCESS IS A PERPETUALLY CONSTANT UND REGULAH EMPLOYMENT OF VIOLENCE!!!
Toot toot!
*moustache waggle*

I know. Hell.