One day, when I'm ultra famous, this play that I've just painstakingly written will be played in the great playhouses all over the world:
Clerk: Okay, is there a reason?
Me: It's tripe.
Clerk: You've read it?
Me: Um... if I've read it, can I still return it?
Clerk: Have you?
Me: Hm? Um.... Noooo.
Clerk: Then why are you returning it?
Me: Um.. I don't like the cover.
Clerk: That's not a valid reason.
Me: It's haunted... I mean it was a gift from one of my stalkers. It would be inappropriate to keep it.
Clerk: Your name is on the receipt.
Me: I have 8 more of them. That's too many.
Clerk: Lady, this isn't a library.
Me: I know. It's even better- there is coffee here.
Clerk: There are 43 people waiting behind you.
Me: They probably bought this stupid book, too and want to return it, because it's lousy. I mean- I didn't read it and they probably didn't either.
Clerk: You know what? Fine. *chaching*
Me: Sucker. I totally read it.
Clerk: *rolls eyes*.. I know.
---------------------six minutes later---------------------
Me: Hi. I'd like to buy this book.
Clerk: History of Madness, huh?
Me: Here is Neil's rewards card. That's 10% off for me, right?
Clerk: Are you Neil?
Me: ... Yes. I am. I'm Neil. I have hairy legs and sometimes I wear a kilt. I'm a college teacher. I mean professor. I like homemade muffins.
Clerk: Uh huh... And you'll leave after I do this?
Me: For now.
Clerk: Excellent.
Me: Which days do you usually work?
Clerk: You should get a library card.
Me: Nah. I can't be bothered to return the books... too many fines. Ech.
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