In which I play plagued to save Christmas.

Today I join the ranks of cut-throat deal shoppers. The annual Warehouse toy sale is today. This means ridiculously cheap brand name toys and 23847293487293423428792873 shrewd and heartless Moms & Grammies.

Normally, I hate shopping (and don't get me wrong, I still hate shopping), however..... for the past few years, I've managed to get allllll the Christmas gifts for the kids for under $300. Thus, I have to do it. Biting this bullet ensures that I will not have to step foot in even one mall in December and THAT is a beautiful thing. This toy sale is brutes, though. SOMANYPEOPLE. You have to have a contingency plan, I've found. The year before last, waiting in the 3 hour line was like playing survivor. You have to choose the correct line & form alliances with other people so that you can go to the bathroom sometimes and be willing to step over people who have died, or you will never get out. The more friends you make in line, the faster you get to the cashier. You divide and conquer. I have a new strategy. I am ready.

I've put on my protective gear, practiced my contagious sounding cough and painted red around my eyes.. because nothing makes people back the #$%& off like a really contagious looking sale-crazed woman. "Um.. maybe we should come back later.." they'll say as I am writhing & drooling alkaseltzer bubbles from my mouth in front of the 2010 Holiday Barbies. What this conveys is, "Back off people, I'm going to be first in line here. If you want one of these Barbies, you'll have to go to your car and get your hand sanitizer first", leaving me a large enough window of time to get in, get my shiz and get. out. Or maybe they'll call the police. Who knows? You have to take risks if you want your holiday season to be truly wonderful. I need to find some way to spurt fake blood around.

K, gotta go do my warm ups.

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UPDATE:

Arriving, Plague, Gory of Love, Loaves & Fishes, Wine.

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We arrived on the other side of the country for the summer.

2
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One after the other, my family contracted the zombie stomach plague, as per usual when we try and travel anywhere. My faith in actually ever becoming a zombie might be starting to waiver, though. I've have the apocalypse flu at least once a year, whenever I get on an airplane and I'm still waiting for it to fully kick in. I'm not even craving brains. Bah! Stupid childhood immunizations.

3
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I've watched more girly movies this month than any terminally cynical person should ever be subjected to. I carefully dodged watching The Proposal, though. Phew. it was close because I'm still recovering from watching Australia twice. That Nicole Kidman gives me uterine tumors. I generally go far out of my way to avoid chicky flicks, but we're dealing with my mother's movie collection here. I'm wearing pretty thin though... Did you know that Bette Midler has never ever ever ever starred in a zombie flick? I mean Beaches came pretty darn close... and I held my breath for a while when she did her glory of love number, hoping Barbara Hershey was going to crawl across the stage leaving a trail of slime so that it would nicely set up Beaches 2: Gory of Love. Never happened. It did inspire me to wear pumps more often, though.

I didn't even have to photoshop this.

4
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Today I helped my mother clean out her 3 deep freezers in anticipation of the 4 fish that my Dad caught on his big fishing trip. If Freezer-Tetris could be an olympic sport, My mother would win gold for Canada every time.

Me: Well, it looks like nothing else is ever ever ever ever EVER ever going to fit. We could probably toss out this mountain of 3 year old, freezerburnt green beans so that the lid will shut. *brushes hands together* I'd say that will wrap this freezer cleaning business up.

Mom: *driving up with truckload of more vegetables and sausages* No no, don't be so silly, I grew those green beans myself and they're perfectly good; we'll just rearrange a few things. See?...

Then she proceeds to do some kind of freezer ninja voodoo while she hums Amazing Grace and there is purple smoke and sparkles flying all through the air as I stand there stupidly holding the specialized freezer-defrosting hair dryer. All the dust settles and I begin rub my eyes with my fists, because not only did she save & fit the giant box of 3 year old freezer-burnt green beans in, but there now appears to also be enough loaves & fishes packed neatly inside of it to feed the starving masses of people. I'm not even joking. She had a handyman over today building her some new outdoor stairs and she sent him home with a bag of frozen salmon.

Me: Mom! Where did those extra loaves & fishes come from??
Mom: Huh?
Me: How did all of this freezer magic happen?
Mom: I have to go buy paint for my stairs. You should wear more jewelery. *hum hum hum*
Me: Mom! Mom? Mom? She's disappeared into a puff of smoke! It's like she has a shrink ray. I probably need to find it and do some shrinking of my own.... Then I get lost on a whole different train of thought.

3 freezers, exactly this full. My Dad still isn't home with all his NEW salmons, yet, either. I believe in her, though.

5
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I went ahead and made the devil 5 minute chocolate cake tonight because I feel sorry for myself since my kids went off to visit my ex. Well, I ate that while writing this really great update, so now I'm going to go sit in my Mom's hot tub. Probably, I should take a bottle of her wine with me. She had to have gotten her magic powers from somewhere. I wonder if she can turn the hot tub water into mulled wine. She probably wouldn't appreciate my asking that... so I'll just shut up.