The Bad Lady.

What if there was a mom who totally nerded up her kid's first date ever?  What if, readers?  What if a Mom showed up to pick up her kid after school and he sheepishly asked if he could go to a movie with a girl?  And it was all so cute that the Mom almost squealed to death?  Like as if she saw a  baby orangutan in a frilly bathing suit, playing with another baby orangutan who was doing those little baby backward somersaults and giving kisses to baby kittens with floppy ears and then the baby orangutans had these big eyes and someone lets in a baby horse who is just learning to walk and the orangutans do that baby ape walk and clap and they all become best friend baby animals in cute outfits forever and they get bottles and fall asleep.  THAT cute.

UH MUH GUH

Come close to me, little orangutan... let me love you.

Would her brain turn to goo and and just go Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!??  Would she be incapable of driving for a good 15 minutes while her brain processed the information? 

What if that happened?  What if she was wearing said kid's signature Canadian toque with the flaps that stick straight out on either side because she wasn't expecting anyone to be going on any dates today and she wan't even going to get out of the car in the first place, let alone try to be cool about a date...  So not only did her brain slide out of her ear on one side, but she looked the part of ultra nerd mom with a flappy Canada toque.   That is to say IF this lady is Canadian at all. 

Lookin' good.  Lookin' reeeeeal good. 

What if her kid's date picked a movie that is pretty dang scary and then like...  the mom heard some words coming out of her mouth as follows and couldn't stop them, because it just happened like that scene in Bridesmaids where Maya Rudolph poops in the street in a designer wedding gown?:

The Mom's mouth:  Oh?  Are you sure you want to see that one.......?

The Mom's inner thoughts:  No... no... don't say it!!!  STOPNOWSTOPNOWSTOPTALKING. DAH NAHT TAHK AN-AH-MARE!

The Mom's big fat mouth: Because it's really scary!!  Are you sure you won't....

The Anonymous Mom's inner dialogue:  SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP... You're saying it!  You're saying it... it's happening... Oh god... It's coming out of your face.... What should I do?  Should I punch myself in the throat???  Should I swallow a wallet or some keys?  *fist fights itself from coming up toward her face*  The dweebiness.. is...tooooo.... strong.......

The Mom:  ....be too scared.....

The Mom's screaming inner dialogue:  NoOoo NoooooooOOoooooooooo! It's his first date for the love of God!!!! FOR THE LOVE. OF.  GAWD.  SHE IS RIGHT THERE!!!!

The Mom's talking mouth again just a truckin' along like the holy greased pig of embarrassing mothers:  ...... Honey?

Derrrrr......

*turns sheet white... realizes a battle has been lost this day... get the piper because the battle of cool is over.  She might as well just buy those elastic-waisted jeans, those orthopedic shoes, that sun visor and join some kind of work-bee club and become the head of a homeowners association and spend her time measuring people's lawn growth so she can issue neighborhood citations  It is time to just kind of wither away into a pruny, dead-eyed TV-bingo enthusiast because she's  almost there, Readers.  Do her a favour?  Send her a cat tree and a box or two of white wine. 

The Mom's inner dialogue:   You did it.  I can't believe this.   In front of the girl.  You might as well have wrapped him in a blanket and checked his teeth for sugar bugs and told him not to buy too much candy at the scary movie and to think about his guardian angel when he gets extra scared on his date.  Why not just say those things?  Being on a roll and everything.  I am so depressed that I'm going to go read some W.H. Auden laments and take a muscle relaxer.  

The Mom's mouth:  Um... here is some money. Lots of it.   I'm going home to have your Dad cut out my tongue. But first...  Don't forget to have a hotdog at the movie cuz yer growing!!!!!  *pinches cheeks*

Well.. almost that. 

That's what I imagine might have happened if someone did that today if they existed.  I just know that I'm personally in no way affiliated with this other dweeby woman *sips beer* *straightens bangs*  *brushes cookie crumbs from boobs**Puts on Nirvana* *Turns Nirvana off again because loud*.