Smarties' Big Adventure & Stealy Neighbors.

My neighbor tried to adopt Smarties the cat. Legally adopt her. She'd been missing for a couple of days, only for us to find out that she'd pranced into my neighbor's house and sat on her couch. Clearly that means karma wants her to steal my kids' kitten- certainly not that she's just a pea brained, idiot cat who has only been outside once before in her life. It's the universe.

What did my neighbor do when the friendly little kitty went into her house? Knock on our door? No. Of course she didn't She told us that she took her to the SPCA to fill out adoption papers. For our cat. To adopt her. Because she likes our cat and our cat likes her (grown) son. Uh-huh. So anyway, she took my cat to the SPCA only to discover that there is a 3 day waiting period on strays to allow the owners to claim them before they are put up for adoption. For MY cat!!

So we had to go to the SPCA to get her- for $108. MY cat that I did not take to the SPCA. This boggles my mind. She told me that she doesn't know what she's going to tell her (practically grown) daughter because she already told her (grown) kids that they could have my cat. Her daughter will be so very disappointed. Oh Golly, lady- let me give you my kids pet so that your grown children don't feel sad that they didn't get to steal our animal. I'd like to tell my kids that they can have her (grown) kids' bikes and maybe that nice big television. Because hey- my kids like big televisions AND bikes.

"Hey Pizza guy! Are you delivering to my neighbor's? Bring that Pizzaaaa this-a-way! I don't feel like cooking tonight!"

"Yeah, when your son left his hockey equipment on our lawn again, we went ahead and sold it on kjiji. We didn't even THINK of seeing if it belonged to you!"

"Could you tidy up your yard a little? We have a real estate agent coming by to show some people your house and we want to get a good price."

At least she was well looked after, I guess? I half expected to get her back wearing a homemade cat outfit care of my thoughtful neighbors. Her new name could be Winkers the performing kitty clown.

I feel like I should be on Judge Judy or something- or Jerry Springer. Fighting over the custody of Smarties. I bet Judge Judy wouldn't put up with this kind of bullshit. She never puts up with mean people. That Judge Judy is such a blessing. I even felt like throwing a chair yesterday- it would have made me feel much better. Maybe I still should- maybe I'll throw all of her patio chairs into my yard. I like patio chairs and so do my kids.

Not the least of my issue with it all is the SPCA holding MY cat ransom for fees incurred by this. They told me to borrow the money if I had to- just like kidnappers do- because if I didn't pay her ransom by Friday, she was going to be put up for adoption. MY %$#& CAT; and seeing as my neighbor had already filled out the paperwork, my cat would then legally belong to her.

Yep.

Anyhow. She's all legally readopted by us. So there. Now I just have to make sure none of my kids go into her yard. I've already won a custody battle for them. Maybe the next time they park in my parking space again, I'll just decide that I own their car and dammit, I can paint my own car with varnish and stick troll dolls all over it with a staple gun if I damned well please.

My brain is a dried up little craisin. Not even zombies would want it in their cinnamon buns.

Alright, Nerdsquad. It's 12:33 am and I have been pretty much transferring files (long overdue) from my old crapattack, dell, missing-the-letter-k laptop to my glorious, new-ish (November=new, right? it totes does. That's right I said totes because I am delirious) macbook FOREVER. If you're on my twitter or FB, you've been skipping over my complain-y updates for hours. and. hours.

I've found that the most effective way to avoid the bajillion glitches in my dell is to use bluetooth to move files. OMG slow. So here is some rambly crap for you to read and enjoy while I watch the progress bar until I am hypnotized and strangle something inanimate. Like that cat over there.

1. Teenagers speak aloud to each other in text. IN TEXT. They SAY "smiley face" and they SAY, "Awww Frowny". Just when I thought emo pants were the most obnoxious things ever, this surfaces. The fact that I say, "Oh Em Gee" occasionally, weighs very lightly on this, though Geeks. For rlz. I stole it from another adult who happens to be totally awesome. Totes. This is what is happening to our youth. We're pretty much screwed when we get really old, eh?

2. The farmer in my Dell

The farmer in my Dell

High Ho Ontario

The farmer in my Dell has been sucking the life out of me all day and I need to step away, but if I do, I might never take the files off of it and I hate the people at the Net Nanny place because they make my life that much more difficult and they lie to me and say it will be easy to format the computer so that it is safe for a pre teen to use it without accidentally exposing his eyes to the unsavory internets- but it's not easy at allllllll, it's a pain in the arse and I need to sleeeeeeeeeep but I'm stupid and promised I'd do thiiiiIIIIiiiiiissssssssss killlll meeeeeeeeee.... (but don't really kill me, internet weirdos, spare me because look how dedicated to stuff I am. You don't find that every day.)

3. So on my old computer were all the old lame-o youtube vidlogs I used to do. That was a stroll down memory lane/back into cabin fever. Wild. Maybe I'll post a montage of them set to some peppy and then very sad early 90s pop music. Maybe I won't.

4. Maybe instead I'll have an oreo straw. I thought plain old oreos and beer were glorious but now you can drink your beer THROUGH an oreo. A straw made of oreos for beer. Think about that awesomeness. I mean really sit down and think about it.

5. I have to stop. This blog is whacktarded.

6. I wish I was at the waterslides right this second.

Dear Grown Women..

.....who sat directly behind me at the movie theatre DESPITE the fact that the theatre was completely empty otherwise,

While I am sure you were all terribly excited to fill your faces with peanut m&ms while squealing at the cute baby animals featured in the movie, "Earth" while peanut flecks flew from your cackling mouths like sawdust from an industrial woodchipper into my hair, I was not as thrilled as you all were that it was "MaTtHeW's BiRtHdAY!!", nor was I pleased that you used the noisiest method possible to remove the m&ms from your baggies- I began to get suspicious that you might have had empty m&m bags on each of your hands- which was contributing to the difficulty you seemed to be having getting the m&m out of the bag and into your gaping maws so that you might crunch them & snort into my ear then pretend to sob out loud for the dead animals. The anger within me began to brew and I am sure that I projected enough of it that I might even be solely responsible for the lions attacking the herd elephants.

Let's just establish that you are all lucky that I am a somewhat resonable adult and while I did turn around to stare daggers directly into your eyesockets (which you didn't seem to pick up because you were much too busy whispering extremely audibly about how much you LoOooOoooooooove baby polar bears and asking the girl 4 seats down if you could have some of her pop- no doubt to wash down whatever remnants of the m&m's you were devouring that didn't make it onto the back of my neck).

You did, however, fit in quite nicely to the scene of 293847298732987352934872 snorting, squalid walruses. So that part worked out well for everyone. I hoped you had a nice time at what was clearly the first time you've ever been to a movie theatre in your lives.

Thanks-a-bunchio

Chelle.

PS... I bastardized this classic poem just for all y'all:

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

I spurn thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal defaced

I hate thee to the level of everyday's

Most proclaimed birthday, by every turbulent bite.

I abhor thee freely, as thou dost strive for noisy M&M;

I can't stand thee purely, as thou asketh pop from friend.

I dislike thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I deride thee with a zest I seemed to lose

With my lost din, --- I disparage thee for thy blaring breath,

Snort, gasp, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,

I shall but haunt and judge thee ever after death.

This is still bugging me.

So the other day we went to the beach. It was a very nice day. Very nice weather. The same day that I ran up the hill, actually. Anyhow, we'd decided to all stumble around in the sand. The kids were finding shells and dismembered crab claws and garbage etc to stick in their pockets for me to find later and throw up.

Not too far from us, was a nice little family building a sand castle. Oh how delightful it was- until we wandered closer to them and found that the Father was like, the angry, jaded foreman of sandcastle building and his 3ish and 5ish year old crew members were just not making the cut. I'd say borderline ass on the line, almost fired if they didn't watch it.

Never in my life have I seen someone more frustrated at sandcastles being built unevenly by preschoolers:

"No no no, it's NOT STRAIGHT. We have to remake it", and he mashes down the new tower.

"No, it's not symmetrically lining up" Mash Mash

"That will never work!, COME ON! Line it up!"

"I SAID don't put the tower there!"

Among other confidence building statements.

Like, take a step back and a big breath of fresh air, guy. Mebbe count to 12 or something or picture baby chickens and rainbow unicorns for a minute or two. Was he worried that clients were watching? Was he worried that the Mike Holmes of sandcastle critique would pop out of a bush and criticize their shoddy workmanship and he'd never work in this town again? "Gee whiz there Buddy, if that's any indication of how you would build a real castle, you and your crew here are just not going to be able to work for our massive, global sand-home building enterprise. Better luck next time. It's a shame because you stood to make gajillions of dollars. We're also going to be filming a shameful exposé about the substandard work we see here today".


I dunno, Maybe that WAS the case. There were quite a few strangers there after all. Mike Holmes is pretty much everywhere. Him and Christopher Lloyd. Anyhow, the point is that I've finished publicly judging him and it was very cathartic for me.

Carry on.