May 07, 2009

Dear Internet,

Tonight a very scary raccoon crept out of the shadows at me. Wanda & I sat on the deck having a leisurely session of making fun of all the people we know who deserved it when we saw it out of the corner of our eyes, creeping along the fence. We froze upon realizing that it was neither a serial killer, Christopher Lloyd, nor a cat, but a very brave and/or undead raccoon. Well- nobody in all of time has moved faster from a porch swing to a house before. We pretty much flew, then pressed our faces against the glass to see the evil thing. It's a good thing the patio door was left open when we launched, though, because I was mentally prepared to throw Wanda in front of me just in case it was in rabid attack mode and I needed to protect myself. Luckily, it wasn't necessary and we can go on being buddies. I'm pretty sure she'd give her life for me, anyway so it's all fine.

Anyhow, I locked the patio just in case raccoons can open doors. If they can creepy stalk me, then I bet they can open patios. They seem way less cute now.

From

Chelle

This is still bugging me.

So the other day we went to the beach. It was a very nice day. Very nice weather. The same day that I ran up the hill, actually. Anyhow, we'd decided to all stumble around in the sand. The kids were finding shells and dismembered crab claws and garbage etc to stick in their pockets for me to find later and throw up.

Not too far from us, was a nice little family building a sand castle. Oh how delightful it was- until we wandered closer to them and found that the Father was like, the angry, jaded foreman of sandcastle building and his 3ish and 5ish year old crew members were just not making the cut. I'd say borderline ass on the line, almost fired if they didn't watch it.

Never in my life have I seen someone more frustrated at sandcastles being built unevenly by preschoolers:

"No no no, it's NOT STRAIGHT. We have to remake it", and he mashes down the new tower.

"No, it's not symmetrically lining up" Mash Mash

"That will never work!, COME ON! Line it up!"

"I SAID don't put the tower there!"

Among other confidence building statements.

Like, take a step back and a big breath of fresh air, guy. Mebbe count to 12 or something or picture baby chickens and rainbow unicorns for a minute or two. Was he worried that clients were watching? Was he worried that the Mike Holmes of sandcastle critique would pop out of a bush and criticize their shoddy workmanship and he'd never work in this town again? "Gee whiz there Buddy, if that's any indication of how you would build a real castle, you and your crew here are just not going to be able to work for our massive, global sand-home building enterprise. Better luck next time. It's a shame because you stood to make gajillions of dollars. We're also going to be filming a shameful exposé about the substandard work we see here today".


I dunno, Maybe that WAS the case. There were quite a few strangers there after all. Mike Holmes is pretty much everywhere. Him and Christopher Lloyd. Anyhow, the point is that I've finished publicly judging him and it was very cathartic for me.

Carry on.

Oh Glorious Earth. (Plants are not sexual objects for people.)

Lookie look what is going on in my killing field flower bed. You might be asking yourself at this moment, "Does that shrubbery have a cauliflower-esque sexually transmitted rash like the ones we had to look at in high school health class when they showed us the Captain Condom VenErIaL DiSeASe educational cartoons?" I hope not. I mean no. It's LEEEEeEEEAVES!!

It happened so fast, too! I haven't even had to time to kill them with well intended plant love yet (I said it's NOT an STD, move on). I'm just trying to tell you how much I kill plants. Even the spicy little rosemary plant that I had for my window sill hung itself in my closet last week.

K. I'm off to do something about Christopher Lloyd sneaking into my bedroom and doing my hair juuust like his in the dead of night. That bastard. Wait a minute... Maybe he did something sinister to my shrubberies, too. Maybe it's not leaves. Christopher Lloyd will you just leave us alone???!!?

I think everyone here pretty much gets the point, which is to use protection when you're in a foreign shrubbery. Also- Hurray, winter is over. As you can see, the two issues are closely related. (Also, Christopher Lloyd, if you're reading this... I know what you did.)

*Snicker- I totally stole the Captain Condom header from their website. Just spreading the good news.