The time I did Nature.

The snow is melting and it is a nice, sunny day for once. I packed up the toddler and off we went to the greenbelt for a nature walk to shake off a bit of the Canadian cabin fever (which is almost as bad as Siberian cabin fever. It lost a rank when we got televisions). This will be an ironic post because the category I'm putting it in is called, "Nature Got on Me". But none did. *ominous synthesizer droning*

There is a park nearby that features a walking trail practically boiling over with birdies, or so says everyone else. You bring birdseed and hold it out at various times for the birds and then they land on your hand and it's like a freaking scene in Snow White, except nobody is hunting you so that they can cut out your heart. I don't think.. there was that one sketchy guy who by no rights belonged on a nature trail, but I held my keys in such a way that if he tried to attack me, I could stab him a thousand times before he even knew what had happened.

Get it?  He LEAFS nature.  LEAFS.  Don't steal my tshirt idea.

Um.  Anyhow, first we went to the bulk foods store in order to procure some bird seed. At first glance, all I saw were giant sacks of bird seed. Like giant. Enough bird seed to take care of an entire feed lot of chickadees for a month. I decided againt purchasing the megaload wild bird seed and asked if they sold it in a more "loose and less ridiculous amount". The disinterested teenager chewed on her cud gum and pointed at the back of the store. Since I have no filter, I made a hilarious joke about buying giant amounts of birdseed for a nature walk.

Me: Right? Like, as IF I need a 30,000kg bag of birdseed? *guffaw*

Teenager- *one eye looks at me and the other sort of wanders back to her magazine*

Me: Can you IMAGINE? Maybe I'll get the toddler to carry it. Imagine THAT scene, right? Those bags are bigger than HER.

Teenager: *points toward the back of the store*

Me: Like who even BUYS birdseed in bulk like that? Chickadee farmers? HA! GET IT? Because why would anyone farm chickadees?? That would be so hilarious.

Teenager: *wipes face with arm and resumes reading her magazine*

Me: Back of the store, right? That's the hardest place for the birds to get to. Get it? Alfred Hitchcock?

Teenager: *her stare burns me*

Me: THE BIRDS?  Scary??   So... Back of the store...

So off I went to the back of the store to peruse the varieties of wild bird seed that they carried. After careful consideration, I chose the regular wild bird seed instead of the premium bird seed. Chickadees are cute and everything, but they certainly don't deserve to be called premium. It's not like they're parrots.   What are they, like the size of a lemon? Yeah. Exactly.

I filled my baggie with about 2 cups of seeds and went back to the till after stopping to be mesmerized by their vast array of cake sprinkles which had been displayed in clear cases by color range. It was like a wall of rainbow cake sprinkles, okay? I haven't been out of the house much lately and it was NEAT, if you have to know.

So I was back at the till.

Me: Yeah, that's MUCH better than buying a freakin' SACK of birdseed, right? Like it'd probably dump out in my vehicle on the way. THEN WHAT? A MESS is the answer, *looks at name tag* Katrina.

Katrina: Uh huh. Is this everything?

Me: Um.. no, I also want this pixie stick.

Katrina: *weighs items* That'll be Forty....

Me: FORTY DOLLARS? W H A T??

Katrina: Forty seven cents.

Me: Oh. My. God. I think I nearly had a heart attack and died. I totally thought you were going to say forty dollars.

Katrina: Nope. Just forty seven cents.

Me: I hate it when stuff is way more than you expected when you get to the till. Am I right? Like.. what is IN this birdseed? COCAINE or something?  Eh?  *nudge*  Is there cocaine in it?  Are you trafficking cocaine in the bird seed in here?  I'd say this bird seed is wild alright.

Katrina: Cash or debit?

Me: Debit! Just kidding. Here is forty seven cents. Man I haven't bought anything for only forty seven cents in like.. 20 years. Can you imagine how much birdseed I could get for forty dollars?

Katrina:  a lot?

Me:  Here is the change. Make sure and count it so you know you got all of it!

Katrina: *dumps change into till without looking at it*

Me: Well... off I go to FEED SOME BIRDS! I hope they don't peck my eyes out, right?

Katrina [inaudible]

I think I really connected with her.  

So anyway, off we went to the bird trail with our seeds.  Wheee.  We parked and then started walking.  No birds.  We walked a little further, nothing.  Then we turned the corner and there they all were.  chickadees.  They were landing in people's hands, eating bird seeds.  My heart grew ten sizes.  This is what I like to call exciting.  We got our bird seed all settled into our hands, stood niiiice and still and waited for the little birdies to land on our hands and eat the birdseed.

Well I guess they knew I'd cheaped out on the bird seed.  Those ungrateful little slugs.  APPARENTLY all of the other people on the trail knew to bring in the good bird seed because theirs had sunflower seeds in it and the chickidees were going apeshit over it.  Well, eventually a bird will land on me, I'm sure of it, I thought.  How smart can they be? Their brains are like, the size of a grape nut.  About 10 minutes passed and the toddler had dumped her birdseed into her rubber boot and was stomping around a tree.  I was still trying to talk a bird into landing on me, dammit.

Me:  Alright you a-hole birds.  Just eat a seed so I can go home and go pee.

Bird:  *half looks at my bird seed with one eye as one eye wanders over to the old woman with cashews.  CASHEWS, you guys.  Lands on her hand again*

Me:  Oh COME ON.  you can't eat a $%# cashew.  Your beak looks like like a pencil lead.

Bird:  *glares at me*

And the little bastard did. It took the cashew and flew off.

Then some voices behind me say in a high, gravely voice:  WE'LL EAT YOUR BIRDSEED.

And then I died.

So we let some elk into the vehicle. What could go wrong?

Sundays are slow blog days, so I'll share yesterdays big adventure with you.
We hit a bit of a road block on our drive.   Such are the hazards of driving in Canada.

We should probably do up our windows, but when it's this warm out....

Then there was this riffraff.

Yeah, es'cuze me lady.

Whatcha got in that, uh.. that car there?  If you don't mind, I'm gonna have a closer look. 

Whatcha got?  Some carrots there?  You got some apples do ya?

I've been known to enjoy a carrot from time to time.

 You know what, lady?  I don't have time for this.  Make nice and give me the carrot.

Thaaaat's right, lady. 

Whatchu wanna feel my antler?  Go ahead.  You like nice antlers do ya?

You see what I can do with these here antlers, lady?  Do ya? Lookie at this here.  Look what I can do to this chump here.  

Yeah, that's right, Toots.  You like that. You want I should lick your hand real nice?

You like that, do ya?

Just give it a little rub with your elbow.  It'll shine up your vehicle interior real nice.  I do this all the time.   Thanks for the carrots.  I gotta jet.

I felt pretty used.

The wolf pen.  That fence should hold the pack of red eyed arctic wolves in juuuuuust fine.   Besides, there was a sign indicating that you should not get out of your vehicle.  No staff or anything, who needs them when there is a sign and the chicken wire is still standing, pretty much?  Too bad all the bears were hibernating.  They had chicken wire, too.

I liked her.  She was nosey. And dainty. And boogery.  Hurray for baby wipes.

Other kinds of boogers that got on me:

Did you know that boars can jump like tarantulas if they think you have an apple?  Or meat.  Or a camera.  Or hands. 

Also Bison Boogers.

...which are nothing like Bison Burgers

You might have guessed that we went to the drive-thru Canadian Safari Park.   You might not have.   Maybe you're dumber than a sack full of half frozen boat rats, how do I know? Anyhow, it was overall a pretty good day.  Made some nice new friends.

What's on your isopod?

There are terrible, monstrous things creeping on this earth. Despicable things whose blood runs so cold that the very moment you become aware of them, the hairs along your spine are forced on end by the goosebumps that swell on your skin as your brain sends the message through your nervous system: you're in serious danger. Your thoughts speed up and your heart pounds against your rib cage upon the very notion of them. Things that will terrorize you.

The horror of it even now percolates in the back of your brain; that there are things all around you, alive, moving, breeding and persisting. These ancient things have been here since the beginning. Soulless, hunting and very real. Your first instinct when you learn of them is the shriek and hide, but you are overcome with the reality that these things are lurking in the shadows of your very home, and by trying to find safety in a dark, small place- you are putting yourself directly into their territory. The dark, the cold, the small places where they lie in wait. There is nowhere for you to go now.

Scotch, Poker & Pink Cupcakes.

So it was Neil's birthday and we had a few people come by for some embarrassingly low stakes poker (I lost). Some people brought scotch, some brought chips, some brought root beer, some brought biological information about what kinds of things are being found in the the ocean these days. The disgusting death trap, haunted ocean full of horrors and unknowns. The last frontier, besides space (or is it?) and those other peculiar places that we haven't dug our curious feelers into yet. (I liked the scotch best of all.)

Janet: Speaking of sushi, have you heard of those pod things they find in the ocean? They are ENORMOUS and they are the weirdest things ever. I can't remember what they're called... some kind of crustacean pod thingy. They're just crawling around like some kind of weird giant crab pod thing.

*someone inevitably finds a picture of the thing on their iphone*

Someone: They are called ISOPODS!

Squeeeeeeeee!

Me: ISOPODS? Sounds so adorable! Lemme see the little guys!

*shows me the photo*

Silence.

What!?

WHAT????

nononono..

*gasp*

*GASP*

*HEAVE..HEAVE...HEAVE....*

ISO...PODS?!?!?

*falls to floor in fetal position*

Me: YOU LIE. YOU ARE ALL LIARS. THAT IS NOT REAL. It isn't real, it isn't real. Is it real? You are trying to trick me. You are not my friends! Don't touch me ! I think one is in my hair! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!

*Thrashing & punching the air*

Someone who obviously doesn't care about me: They are real, see?

*shows me another picture of the things on their angry birds themed iphone[1]

*HEAVE*
Are you effing kidding me?

Janet: Yeah, I don't know why we are not eating these things. I heard they taste like crab. They're like sushi walking around in the ocean! And they are HUGE!

Me: What is the matter with you??? Isn't it obvious why???? It's because they have just hatched and the @$#% mother ship with come and get #$%@ revenge on humanity if we $%&* eat them. We have to protect them and swear allegiance to the space monster mother. We'll be slaves but we will be alive! They are NOT from the ocean. They are not from here.


Everyone: Umm...


DO IT! SWEAR ALLEGIANCE!!!! I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITH YOU!

*rocking in the corner with Neil's birthday scotch*

Me: You've all seen that Futurama episode where everyone is eating the baby aliens like they're popcorn and then the parents find out and then they're mad and attack the earth and then they pretend a Gorilla is a human because the aliens demand a sacrifice. I DON'T HAVE A GORILLA!! *heave* APOCALYPSE ALERT. Everyone fill a jug with water and get some canned food... Is anyone opposed to resorting to cannibalism? But only if someone dies of natural causes. If we don't eat Janet, the Isopods will. All in favour? We have to go loot Walmart before a gang of apocalyptic survivalists from another camp get there and take all the good things... who knows how to build a solar energy panel?? WE ARE GOING TO NEED A SOLAR ENERGY PANEL!! We only have 17 hours.....I need a car battery... need...... styrofoam socks.... flamethrower... zoodles... distract them with.. the fainting goats..... no good at the maths.... what if their blood gets on us????? WE HAVE TO LEAVE.

*twitching & gurgling*

Michelle?...

*seizure*

Michelle?..

*swallows tongue*

Michelle???

They make me want to cuddle a giant centipede. They make tarantulas look like little inbred kittens. They are unnatural and we have to be verrrrrry careful. They are bad. Sure, wikipedia says they're harmless and I think I read that they like to eat doritos... To be honest, I couldn't read much about them because I can't stop twitching and crying. I just hate them so much.

[1] Note to self: Find an angry birds themed iphone case because cool!

WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS??

"Go eat some apples, my pretty" says this bug.

"WELL, I think we ladies already fell for THAT trick once. Maybe if you were like, George Clooney and you told me to I might think about it. Instead, I'll have more smores and wine to drown out your awful bug face and crunchy yet slimy looking legs", says I.

"I hate you", we mutually agree.

...Besides something that probably wants to crawl into my ear so that it can inject its mind control serum into my brain, before it dries up into a pod, eventually taking over person after person until it reaches the Oprah, completing its domination of earth and starts hunting people until we're all a hybrid of alien nymphs reading coming of age book after coming of age book and the world as we know it ends...

I'm wondering if it has a scientific name, besides Satan as my friend, Amber suggested on the foozebook. For now, I'll call it Jeff Goldblum, but I need to know why this thing is living in Canada, where we like it cold because minus a bajillion degrees tends to ensure that we never, EVER, E V ER see things like this when we are blissfully jumping around in the river during our 8 minutes of summer.

I think Jeff Goldblum here is a girl, though, from what I know of horrible, horrible horrible bugs. I think that death stinger thing on its arse is really an egg depositor, which is what I was extra careful not to touch because my Mom just told me that some bugs like burrowing into people's necks and the only way to get them off is to burn them with a cigarette. No other way will work. I think smoking sounds like a good idea right now, because I'm a little freaked out... but hey. This is the lady who raised me we're talking about. It's no wonder I'm a little jumpy and eyeballing that bottle of cooking wine in her pantry like this it's the last bottle of perrier in a Saharan dust storm.
Oh good, Neil was kind enough to read my body language and bring me the wine. My body language pretty much consists of me jumping into the air and actually slapping my mother when she told me a horrible, horrible earwig story on top of everything.

20 seconds in the life of Michelle.

Ben and I went for a spin down the hill.

The take off... this is gonna be awesome!

WheeEeeEEE!

Oh, didn't see that giant ice lump there...

Here is a nice close up of the moment. If the Titanic was tobogganing with it's kid, it would be me.

Brought to you by: Robaxacet Max.

In which we are carjacked by elk, boar, deer, wolves and goats.

Let's go on a nature hike/drive, shall we? It's a Canadian Safari park! Hurruh!

This is the rare and beautiful slack jawed zombie deer.

This is a Tibetan Crowbar Goat, used in ancient times for jacking up cars so that the tires could be more easily stolen, prized for their mobility.

Showoff + wolf= showolf.

Some people were sitting really nicely, quietly doing up their lipstick while we were distracted by the pretty beasties.

Hurry Libby! Do up the window! We'll catch his lips and Eleanore can do his lipstick too!

Little Miss Bison here got a little too friendly with my Neily... I got out and punched her in the kneecaps. You leave my man alone. I saw this same Hussy buying all of the M&Ms and tube tops in Walmart last week.

Another one?? I TOLD Neil not to wear musk today. It sets a poor example for the children.

Gangster roadblock. It was ascary.

AwWWwwWWwww. Nature is just beautiful.

"You give me that camera and any cash or apples you got or I will shove these 5 point antlers right down your throat"

Dammit, Neil.