Dear Grown Women..

.....who sat directly behind me at the movie theatre DESPITE the fact that the theatre was completely empty otherwise,

While I am sure you were all terribly excited to fill your faces with peanut m&ms while squealing at the cute baby animals featured in the movie, "Earth" while peanut flecks flew from your cackling mouths like sawdust from an industrial woodchipper into my hair, I was not as thrilled as you all were that it was "MaTtHeW's BiRtHdAY!!", nor was I pleased that you used the noisiest method possible to remove the m&ms from your baggies- I began to get suspicious that you might have had empty m&m bags on each of your hands- which was contributing to the difficulty you seemed to be having getting the m&m out of the bag and into your gaping maws so that you might crunch them & snort into my ear then pretend to sob out loud for the dead animals. The anger within me began to brew and I am sure that I projected enough of it that I might even be solely responsible for the lions attacking the herd elephants.

Let's just establish that you are all lucky that I am a somewhat resonable adult and while I did turn around to stare daggers directly into your eyesockets (which you didn't seem to pick up because you were much too busy whispering extremely audibly about how much you LoOooOoooooooove baby polar bears and asking the girl 4 seats down if you could have some of her pop- no doubt to wash down whatever remnants of the m&m's you were devouring that didn't make it onto the back of my neck).

You did, however, fit in quite nicely to the scene of 293847298732987352934872 snorting, squalid walruses. So that part worked out well for everyone. I hoped you had a nice time at what was clearly the first time you've ever been to a movie theatre in your lives.

Thanks-a-bunchio

Chelle.

PS... I bastardized this classic poem just for all y'all:

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

I spurn thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal defaced

I hate thee to the level of everyday's

Most proclaimed birthday, by every turbulent bite.

I abhor thee freely, as thou dost strive for noisy M&M;

I can't stand thee purely, as thou asketh pop from friend.

I dislike thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I deride thee with a zest I seemed to lose

With my lost din, --- I disparage thee for thy blaring breath,

Snort, gasp, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,

I shall but haunt and judge thee ever after death.