If I start wearing jeggings, you'll know what happened.

I got a stupid flu shot. Now I feel drunk or something (I hope it lasts), so of course I'm going to write a poorly constructed blog entry about it.

Before getting it, the health nurse at the clinic asked me if I am allergic to formaldehyde or thimerosal while I signed a waiver: um, isn't everyone allergic to formaldehyde and thimerosal? Thimerosal contains mercury, in case you're wondering. Mercury causes MadNeSs.

So how do you even know if you're allergic to neurotoxins? I seem to be okay, right? The last time I had formaldehyde cookies, I might have gotten a weensy bit itchy- but overall I think I'm okay. I also think the school "peanut & formaldehyde/mercury free lunch" policy is a little drastic. Do we have to deprive them of EVERYTHING they love just because a couple of kids caught madness? Psh. Just look at old Vladimir Lenin. He loves his formaldehyde and he's a pretty important guy. Besides, I had plenty of formadlehyde and thimerosal when I was a kid and I don't have any more brain damage than anyone else from my generation graduating class. It's not just a neurotoxin after all, it's also an important preservative and fungicide. MmmM... stick it in my muscles, please.

Here's a story: We used to play liquid mercury blob hockey with our pencils in the the science lab in ninth grade while our teacher was ignoring us. It was pretty cool. Am I digressing? What? Mercury? Hmm? Also, we usually left the gas on at our bunson burner stations. Small town schools have small budgets for things like 'safety' or 'common sense' or 'teaching' (no offense, DBS). I've always wanted to make fancy hats for the Queen.

This guy sticks his bare hands in mercury all the time and he doesn't look very crazy at all.

So anyway, I did not go to the clinic this morning thinking that I was going to be injected with anything and to tell you the truth, I have been doing a fair bit of yapping about how I'll never get a flu shot and how the flu shot is to blame for everything from jeggings to hipsters, is a big government/drug company conspiracy to control our minds with formaldehyde, fear and mercury and it's not even organic etc etc. So why did I break down and do it? There are 3 things that happened to make me get injected, and I'll tell you them:

1. I pretty much work entirely on impulse. To say I'm impulsive is like saying that there is a crumb or two under my couch cushions, when really I've planted a lovely garden of rare mushrooms on top of the layer of dust and new topsoil which rests upon my kids' toys, remote controls, cordless phones, dvd cases and granola bar wrappers. It's called making the most of a bad situation, you guys.

So... impulse. They had a poster saying that I could get a flu shot TODAY, it was FREE and there was already a stranger standing there with her needles ready, I had a 10 minute wait... so... yep. I would have gotten my blood sugar tested at the next poking booth if I'd have had more time. Is that a heroin booster clinic? Why even think about it? Sign me up.


2. The impulse was driven by the fact that my 2 year old had to get her booster shot, which is why I was at the clinic to begin with and I thought she'd feel better if I got a needle too. This decision took 4 seconds to make.

PS. She didn't care that I got a needle, she was just pissed in general over hers. She snarled & threw her Cinderella sticker at the nurse as hard as she could and basically turned into this creature for the rest of the day:


3. I watched 4 episodes of AMC's Walking Dead with Neil last night and decided that I never want to actually catch anything or end up living in a tent town outside of Atlantic City with a ragtag group of offensively stereotypical people. I also want to avoid crowded areas while riding on my stolen horse in case I am attacked by zombies (or geeks). They'll eat your horse too, you know. They don't even CARE about horses. So, injecting myself with things will prevent that, right? Of course. So basically, now I think that the drug companies are in cahoots with zombie movie makers to get you to get a flu shot. I'm already a victim. Yeah, I don't know why you're still reading this, either. But here I go, just type type typing away and you're reading it.


4. They still have a giant, colorful bowl of free condoms at the front desk of the clinic. That doesn't have anything to do with this post (or does it? they did have 2 other poking stations, after all), but I blushed when I looked at it. Because condoms=sex and that=feelings. Especially if you look at the bowl of condoms and then accidentally make eye contact with another person in the waiting room. What if they think you looked at the condoms and then looked at them because you want to use the condoms on them? That could be pretty awkward. Especially if you look at the old woman offering to test your blood sugar after looking at the condom bowl? What if she tested it and found prude cells in your blood sugar? That would be pretty embarrassing. I'd probably shift around in my seat and check my blackberry, pretending to text people if they found that out. I'd even say, "ZOMG that made me L.O.L" to make it seem more authentic. I wouldn't really text people though, because that gets expensive.



The End.