Why not challenge yourselves, Starbucks?

Is Trenta really enough, Starbucks? 31 oz of coffee is the best you can offer?? Guffaw. How about Fois Gras size it? I think you should consider putting in fois-gras style coffee bars! You could put your customers in a squeeze so that they can't move while you force a spigot down their throats and just fill them up to the point of vomiting with coffee! Then, if a customer does barf, they can just get back in line. It's fast, it's beyond full portion, it's litter free! (Not to mention everyone will grow a gloriously huge, delicious liver!)


The next time I go to Starbucks, I'm just going to have them fill up my purse.


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Ito eat like... teeth are out of styyyyle...♫♫♫

The new coffee maker is so awesome, you guys. It even makes iced coffee. OOoOoooh! Just think of how amazing it would be if I liked iced coffee! You should come over and I'll make you an iced coffee (disclaimer: don't come over unless you already know me, you freak. Take off those shoes and sit back down). Mainly I just want to do the thing where you put ICE in it instead of water. Imagine how fun!

It also has coffee made for me in the morning; this might be old news to you- but I've never personally had such fanciness. I never thought I deserved it *sob*. In fact, this morning I got up and sang it a jaunty little version of "Ito Eats" from the blockbuster Elvis Blue Hawaii movie and it cheerfully burbled along to my swingin' rhythm. It didn't even mention that my hair was sticking directly up into the air on one side or that I still had pillow indents across my face, causing me to look like a meatier, reptilian version of Amy Winehouse's slashed up arms. It knew to make me coffee so that my morning-induced **wandering eye would wander on back to it's rightful place and I would be gorgeous again. My ex coffee maker wouldn't do anything like that. It just grunted and hissed and gave my blender terribly lewd looks when it thought I wasn't looking, then it just laid around making sloppy coffee and letting it's arteries clog up. Psh. I don't know how I could have been so blind.

EVERYBODY!

♫♫♫Eat! Ito eat all de night and de daydaydaydaydaydayyyYYyyyyyyyyyy♫♫♫

What an inspiring song.

**I don't have a wandering eye, TYVM. That's only a rumor that I just started.