There is a park nearby that features a walking trail practically boiling over with birdies, or so says everyone else. You bring birdseed and hold it out at various times for the birds and then they land on your hand and it's like a freaking scene in Snow White, except nobody is hunting you so that they can cut out your heart. I don't think.. there was that one sketchy guy who by no rights belonged on a nature trail, but I held my keys in such a way that if he tried to attack me, I could stab him a thousand times before he even knew what had happened.
 |
| Get it? He LEAFS nature. LEAFS. Don't steal my tshirt idea. |
Um. Anyhow, first we went to the bulk foods store in order to procure some bird seed. At first glance, all I saw were giant sacks of bird seed. Like giant. Enough bird seed to take care of an entire feed lot of chickadees for a month. I decided againt purchasing the megaload wild bird seed and asked if they sold it in a more "loose and less ridiculous amount". The disinterested teenager chewed on her
Me: Right? Like, as IF I need a 30,000kg bag of birdseed? *guffaw*
Teenager- *one eye looks at me and the other sort of wanders back to her magazine*
Me: Can you IMAGINE? Maybe I'll get the toddler to carry it. Imagine THAT scene, right? Those bags are bigger than HER.
Teenager: *points toward the back of the store*
Me: Like who even BUYS birdseed in bulk like that? Chickadee farmers? HA! GET IT? Because why would anyone farm chickadees?? That would be so hilarious.
Teenager: *wipes face with arm and resumes reading her magazine*
Me: Back of the store, right? That's the hardest place for the birds to get to. Get it? Alfred Hitchcock?
Teenager: *her stare burns me*
Me: THE BIRDS? Scary?? So... Back of the store...
So off I went to the back of the store to peruse the varieties of wild bird seed that they carried. After careful consideration, I chose the regular wild bird seed instead of the premium bird seed. Chickadees are cute and everything, but they certainly don't deserve to be called premium. It's not like they're parrots. What are they, like the size of a lemon? Yeah. Exactly.
I filled my baggie with about 2 cups of seeds and went back to the till after stopping to be mesmerized by their vast array of cake sprinkles which had been displayed in clear cases by color range. It was like a wall of rainbow cake sprinkles, okay? I haven't been out of the house much lately and it was NEAT, if you have to know.
So I was back at the till.
Me: Yeah, that's MUCH better than buying a freakin' SACK of birdseed, right? Like it'd probably dump out in my vehicle on the way. THEN WHAT? A MESS is the answer, *looks at name tag* Katrina.
Katrina: Uh huh. Is this everything?
Me: Um.. no, I also want this pixie stick.
Katrina: *weighs items* That'll be Forty....
Me: FORTY DOLLARS? W H A T??
Katrina: Forty seven cents.
Me: Oh. My. God. I think I nearly had a heart attack and died. I totally thought you were going to say forty dollars.
Katrina: Nope. Just forty seven cents.
Me: I hate it when stuff is way more than you expected when you get to the till. Am I right? Like.. what is IN this birdseed? COCAINE or something? Eh? *nudge* Is there cocaine in it? Are you trafficking cocaine in the bird seed in here? I'd say this bird seed is wild alright.
Katrina: Cash or debit?
Me: Debit! Just kidding. Here is forty seven cents. Man I haven't bought anything for only forty seven cents in like.. 20 years. Can you imagine how much birdseed I could get for forty dollars?
Katrina: a lot?
Me: Here is the change. Make sure and count it so you know you got all of it!
Katrina: *dumps change into till without looking at it*
Me: Well... off I go to FEED SOME BIRDS! I hope they don't peck my eyes out, right?
Katrina [inaudible]
I think I really connected with her.
So anyway, off we went to the bird trail with our seeds. Wheee. We parked and then started walking. No birds. We walked a little further, nothing. Then we turned the corner and there they all were. chickadees. They were landing in people's hands, eating bird seeds. My heart grew ten sizes. This is what I like to call exciting. We got our bird seed all settled into our hands, stood niiiice and still and waited for the little birdies to land on our hands and eat the birdseed.
Well I guess they knew I'd cheaped out on the bird seed. Those ungrateful little slugs. APPARENTLY all of the other people on the trail knew to bring in the good bird seed because theirs had sunflower seeds in it and the chickidees were going apeshit over it. Well, eventually a bird will land on me, I'm sure of it, I thought. How smart can they be? Their brains are like, the size of a grape nut. About 10 minutes passed and the toddler had dumped her birdseed into her rubber boot and was stomping around a tree. I was still trying to talk a bird into landing on me, dammit.
Me: Alright you a-hole birds. Just eat a seed so I can go home and go pee.
Bird: *half looks at my bird seed with one eye as one eye wanders over to the old woman with cashews. CASHEWS, you guys. Lands on her hand again*
Me: Oh COME ON. you can't eat a $%# cashew. Your beak looks like like a pencil lead.
Bird: *glares at me*
And the little bastard did. It took the cashew and flew off.
Then some voices behind me say in a high, gravely voice: WE'LL EAT YOUR BIRDSEED.
And then I died.
No comments:
Post a Comment