WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS??

"Go eat some apples, my pretty" says this bug.

"WELL, I think we ladies already fell for THAT trick once. Maybe if you were like, George Clooney and you told me to I might think about it. Instead, I'll have more smores and wine to drown out your awful bug face and crunchy yet slimy looking legs", says I.

"I hate you", we mutually agree.

...Besides something that probably wants to crawl into my ear so that it can inject its mind control serum into my brain, before it dries up into a pod, eventually taking over person after person until it reaches the Oprah, completing its domination of earth and starts hunting people until we're all a hybrid of alien nymphs reading coming of age book after coming of age book and the world as we know it ends...

I'm wondering if it has a scientific name, besides Satan as my friend, Amber suggested on the foozebook. For now, I'll call it Jeff Goldblum, but I need to know why this thing is living in Canada, where we like it cold because minus a bajillion degrees tends to ensure that we never, EVER, E V ER see things like this when we are blissfully jumping around in the river during our 8 minutes of summer.

I think Jeff Goldblum here is a girl, though, from what I know of horrible, horrible horrible bugs. I think that death stinger thing on its arse is really an egg depositor, which is what I was extra careful not to touch because my Mom just told me that some bugs like burrowing into people's necks and the only way to get them off is to burn them with a cigarette. No other way will work. I think smoking sounds like a good idea right now, because I'm a little freaked out... but hey. This is the lady who raised me we're talking about. It's no wonder I'm a little jumpy and eyeballing that bottle of cooking wine in her pantry like this it's the last bottle of perrier in a Saharan dust storm.
Oh good, Neil was kind enough to read my body language and bring me the wine. My body language pretty much consists of me jumping into the air and actually slapping my mother when she told me a horrible, horrible earwig story on top of everything.