Rhoda: The Beginnings....

I have TWO, That is TWO entries for the giveaway so far (really, you guys? Only two of you are serious about Rhoda? Everyone likes floozies and everyone likes zombies.. what gives? This prize is as good as solid gold! It will likely appreciate in value like crazay). You have 5 days (Saturday) to try and usurp the sock zombie doll from Vapid or DBS. I will at some point on Sunday have Neily McSweetums pull a name from a paper bag and announce it here on Monday, VALENTINES DAY! See? You could get a Valentine in the form of a sock zombie floozy from me. Imagine how wonderful!

I challenge you to top DBS's entry. It's inspiring AND hideous. Not that Vapid's alligator/baguette photoshop isn't really moving but DBS baked... and this is hilarious to me because he taught me Art & English at my ridiculous, small town High School. So basically he is responsible for me being able to write anything. Baaahaaaaa. That's his legacy now here on the internet. He should probably look into writing a book or something.

Another bit of info related to High School- The Town Mayor taught us social studies when he wasn't skipping class to go jogging and introduced us to the indefatigable Mr Ralph Klein. Oh the hi-jinks! My dearly departed Grandpa slammed his hand in the door at a gas station once by accident. I should really put this stuff in a different blog entry. Res-pek, Mr M! It does tie-in, though because his wife taught home-economics and is responsible for teaching me to sew. In the end I passed Social Studies with flying colors and nearly failed sewing. Go figure.

AnyhOOooooo.....

Simplified Entry Rules

And finally, the making of Rhoda:

Like most things, Rhoda began with a mouth.

At this point, Rhoda was androgynous. I found the perfect sock (new sock) and turned it inside out. I pinned the mouth onto the sock to find the ideal location for it. Rhoda was almost a pink sock zombie with hearts all over her, but it just wasn't corpse-y enough.

Upon stuffing Rhoda, it became obvious that Rhoda was a woman zombie. A rubinesque floozy woman zombie. When the zombie plague hits, nobody is safe. Not even rubinesque floozies. Especially rubinesque floozies.


This is nearly the first time I've ever sewn boobies onto a sock. What's a floozy without her boobies? Washed up. That's what.


I found some perfect whiteout eyeball buttons in a bag of buttons that I got at Value Village once. I knew buying buttons in a warehouse style thrift shop would pay off one day. Her mouth was sewn on and I began the painstaking task of threading each hair and sewing in a lovely head-gash. Rhoda was infected via bite to the head. I embroidered on some nice greenish rotting flesh all around it.

I decided to just use one tooth.

*Note: I made the tooth myself. It's sculpey! Formed by my hands and baked in my oven.

I also made her severed arm myself and sewed it in. I burned it (um.. by accident... but it was a happy accident because zombies totally burn their protruding arm bones sometimes). I also made her a nice trampy dress out of another polka-dotted neon sock.

She got a fashionable hairstyle..


She got a new broken heeled shoe (I made it) and went a little overboard at poker night.

Oh Rhoda... you've overdone it.

Hehehe.

So don't forget to enter by Saturday!

RHODA HAS AN OWNER!!

Firstly:

GET IT? Val-INTESTINES!?!? Funny eh? This valentine doubles as a valentine for Neil.

Secondly, it's time to roll out the pretend red... carpet? Because it's time to draw a name for Rhodaaa.

Rhoda.

I had an overwhelming response to this years' giveaway, that is to say 9 people entered. NINE. Someone fan me, I'm going to faint. No really, nine is splendid. It multiplies by three. And seven eight nine. Get it? EIGHT=ATE? Like you do to bread? No? Ok. (You 8 the bread).

Well I am happy with 9. I mean sure I wanted a celebrity like Prime Minister Stephen Harper to to enter by posting himself baking some hilaaaarious, ugly bread on his super exciting blog, but we just can't win them all.

Stephen Harper! Stop getting fresh with Rhoda's cleavage. She's dead, you know. *tsk*

I had imagined myself getting Rhoda all ready, putting her in an envelope for Mr Harper, licking the glue part, putting on stamps lovingly and popping it in the mailbox. I KNOW Stephen Harper would be pacing around Parliament with his blackberry, combing his hair, palms sweating while he waited. But he missed out, Readers. I guess he just doesn't have his thumb on the pulse of what is happening in Canada as much as he thinks, because he totally missed the sock zombie floozy gravy train.

If he had entered and won, I'm pretty sure he would have asked me to deliver it in person anyway, but you can't just go meeting people from the internet willy nilly. I don't know Stephen Harper from Adam. He could be some kind of freak sitting in his Mom's basement, only taking short breaks from World of Warcraft to troll on parenting forums. PSH. I'm glad he didn't win.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah.. sock zombie!

I was going to photograph the name being pulled, but I found a WEBSITE that will do it for me. Namely, Random.org. This way, I can just paste all 40ish of the entries from the pages document I was keeping and hit randomize. That sounds pretty easy! I don't have to cut any dangerous paper! Whomever is at the top of the list after hitting "generate" will be the winner of Rhoda. For transparency, I've taken a half assed screen shot of it.

I am not going to lie. I want Jen O to win because the postage to her place from my place would be pretty cheap.

H'ok. Drumroollllllllllllll:

Breathe, Self
Breathe, Everyone
Calm down.
Here we go...............
Just a second, I got too excited and spilled my coffee.
By "I spilled my coffee" I of course mean that I missed my mouth when I tried to take a sip...
*I do realize that you can just skip ahead of my irritating pretend suspense*
*mopping up coffee*
*changing shirt*
*Refilling cup*
*some cream, some sugar*
*stir stir stir stir stir*
What was I doing?
Oh yeah, telling you about the new coffee I bought. Van Houten or something, dark roast. It's pretty awesome. I'm switching brands from Nabob Full City Dark.
I KNOW! I said I'd never change!
Yeah, I use three heaping tablespoons to 10 cups of water.
I know it sounds like a lot. Just tap the bottom of the spoon twice on the side of the can before putting it in the filter. Perfect every time.
Try it. I'll wait.
You're taking too long.

ALRIGHT. Now that I'm done being hilarious to myself like Jeff Propst does when he announces the winner of Survivor, here we go. I'm going to hit randomize and then take a screen shot of it riiiiiiight.......
NOW!




AJM! IT'S AJM! AJM HAS WON! SHE'S GOT THE GOLDEN TIIIIIIIIIICKET, SHE'S GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE...TO..... LOOK up the lyrics to Willy Wonka songs... or whatever...

She won thanks to her Amish Orphan Laser Finger Bread!!!!1!

Gross!

Congrats, AJM. I know that this will probably change your life. Don't forget who you are. You're probably about to find out which of your friends really care about you and who just wants a piece of what you got (which is Amish friendship bread starter baggies). So now you just have to send me your mailing address (You didn't think this through did, you!?). You will find my contact information in the new CONTACT ME link. I feel like a pretty important business person now that I have that CONTACT ME page. Like I'm futureshop or something. I'd link you there from this post, but I really want you to have to click CONTACT ME up at the top of my page, just under my header.

I had to embed this dumb homemade version of Golden Ticket instead of the real Grandpa Joe version because apparently the embedding was disabled on the awesome one, ruining this whole blog.

For those of you who didn't win, I think you'll be able to relate to this :
Hitler doesn't get a Golden Ticket.
(except I don't think any of you are horrible, angry, murderous dictators... At least none of you are all of those things.)


Now go see the other entries:

Ryan made bread! There is also a bonus photo that I won't tell you about in there. You'll just have to see for yourself.

Alli's Human Baby Bread. I call it Maury. Maury has a skin condition: Dermalicious-itis


DBS's Pupae Alien Buns. I've never said that sentence before. Weird. I'd resolve to say it more.. but.. *inaudible*.



Baron's middle of the night sandwich messages in mustard. I really think he should make it a weekly feature. It could be the new twitter.



Cookie Monster's cookie monsters, featuring heavily: Hanky the Christmas Poo.

Vapid's really excellent photoshop. My readers are all about Hanky the Christmas Poo... And obviously relate bread to poo cartoons. I keep a high caliber of internet company. :)


Elly sings a song by Bread with Herbert, the ukulele I covet... And posts a picture of this guy.

Jen O is not a serial killer. She's a Mom and a writer and a nice person.


Thanks, guys! I was surprised by how many people actually MADE bread! You could have just made pancakes, dummies.

Until next time!

Feb 18: *edited to bury.... It's an OCD. thing.   This was posted on Feb 14th.

SoCk ZOmbiE 2011. GIVEAWAY.

Remember Sock Zombie 2010? This guy:

I held a competition where people showcased their ugliest possessions in order to earn ballots for the draw. The winner of this precious fellow, readers, was Keeping You Awake. Go visit his blog about how winning this contest changed his life last year.


Well that's over. Now it's time for Sock Zombie 2011. This year, I made Sock Zombie a Lay-Dy, and you could win her:


Sock Zombie 2011

OooOooh! I shall call her Rhoda and she shall be my favourite.


Such slender arms.


Such a lifelike tooth..


Theeeeeere she is... MISs UH.... Canadaaaaaaa.... she's so GoRGEoooouS... You want to OWn Her so muuuuuuuuuuch! A stranger made her and put her on her bloooOOOOOG! This song is just now starting to suuuuck. *ahem*

So anyway...She features: handmade teeth (sculpey) and protruding arm bone (also sculpey), a giant icky gash in her head, boobies & shapely rear end, attractive pink tube dress, beady white eyes, lashes, voluptuous sagging lips, dark circles and a pretty swanky hairstyle. I think she represents my blog fairly accurately. So if YOU want to win her, here is what you have to do:

1. Create a post before February 12th, 2011 on your blog.

2. That post will have to contain a link back to this blog.

3. The post will have to adhere the following theme: Ugly Bread. If you are unfamiliar with ugly bread, click on my ugly bread category and get acquainted. It's my favourite category.

4. Include ONE of these three options in your blog post:

*REAL ugly bread that you made yourself. Include a photo of your bread disaster (earns 3 entries);
*bread photoshopped in a funny way (2 entries);
*a photo of regular boring bread from wherever (1 lousy entry).

*I reserve the right to add entries in your name if I feel like you really went all out; like overboard.

You only get to post about this ONE TIME, so choose wisely little readers.

4. Come back here and leave me a link to your post in my comments so that I'll know that you've entered the contest. Otherwise you might get missed! Oh no! All that work for what? Bubkis.

5. I don't want to see: bodily fluids, illegal stuff, poop (just to clarify- this is the internet after all), naked anything or just really gross stuff. I'm saying no genitals photoshopped onto bread, please. Please. I've already imagined it and ruined all the associated funniness you might be imagining about it. I won't put your name in if you don't listen to me.

6. This year, there will be no email entries. Sorry guys. You have to be brave and post it on your site to earn an entry!

7. Canada, USA and UK only. Postage is too crazy expensive for me to send anywhere else and I already had to pay for the tube socks. The buttons are second hand, recycled Value Village buttons! These zombies are excellent for the environments. I am rambling.

H'ok... So then on Valentines Day 2011, I will have someone else, probably Neil, pull an entry from a mug/hat/paper bag/something and announce the winner with a post & link to their blog! WoOOoooOhoooOOt.

Neil will be so pleased that our Valentines date is already planned now!! *high five* *Neil high fives back for pretend because he is currently downstairs doing paperwork in his office and by paperwork I mean watching evaluating cartoons animation for his job*


***coming soon: the making of Rhoda.