The holy math proof is in my kool aid.

What? I'm supposed to be filling out 23479210573 forms instead of writing a really dumb blog? Huh? I haven't had any inspiration until the very second that these 'forms' became my project of the day? But..

Never mind those silly forms, you. Here is what is important today: Spiritual figures like the Popes and Oprah etc magically appearing on things like waffles and then observant, flimflammers citizens like me getting rich as a result. Because Ebay.

As you can probably imagine, I was pretty surprised when my daughter was making cherry kool-aid[1] last night and found a startling image in the bottom of the juice pitcher just before adding a thousand cups of refined, white sugar. Taken aback, we rushed outside to document this important event and I came to realize that if I hadn't become so entrenched in the many values of mixing FD&C Red No. 40 with sugar, I may never have had the moving experience of beholding this holy sight:

I want you to pause for a moment and really let it soak in. Let it wash over you. Just take a rest before moving on and breathe deeply.....

Okay.

Probably right now, your mind is reeling in amazement and you're like, "Is that.. no... could it be? But that's impossibly miraculous.... I think it might be....Yes... It's clear now that my eyes have adjusted to the virtuous light of my computer monitor or mobile Internet device.... I'd know it anywhere... I've seen that face in my dreams. I've seen it all around me. In the darkest nights and at the most beautiful dawn. It's the humble visage of none other than the sterling, Dr Phil McGraw in the red, silty koolaid mud powder of that dollar store pitcher!" And you rub your eyes with your fists in tiny circles and smile to yourself.

Yes. It is- and I have some corroborating evidence and diagrams to prove it. Lots Two of them. First, a visual aid:

See? Which is which? Dr Phil Twins? Camera 1... Camera 2... Camera 1 again.... And 2. Same. Let's go back to the left... and now the right.... Which is better? One on the left... oooor two? It would be like an animation if there were any difference between the two photos at all.

But maybe you're not so good at finding patterns and you need to see some diagrams? Maybe you don't rely on your poor, human eyesight and faith in Dr Phil alone- you're a soldier of science and you need to see a chart. I'm pretty awesome at mathing up charts and I'm a firm believer in backing up scientific claims and probable theories with proof via geometry and quadratics etc. In layman's terms, I think this venn diagram I've made around the transcendent Dr Phil outlines my point here pretty succinctly:

You see? They're all related. Not like family, dummy. Related as in homologous (*snicker*).

But what does this conclusive proof all mean? What is the message Dr Phil is sending us through my kool aid? Rest assured that I have the answer, and here it comes:

It's better to just watch the Dr Phil Show rerun if it's all that is on TV than to go outside and be mauled to death by badgers.

*X Files Music*

So, Zealots? Who wants to purchase a tshirt?

[1]Tangent: Yah. I totally give my kids kool-aid and it's neither healthy NOR organic. Those cults just gave it a bad rap. What's it to you, Hipsters? Eh? What could go wrong? My point is that it was on sale for $0.24 a packet & cheap overrules healthy sometimes. Besides, my mother gave me kool-aid all the time and the sugar did zero damage to my complicated and labyrinthine mind. In fact, I have my suspicions that it might have made me even more geniusly-enabled than I had originally been slated to become on God's little-giant list of people who are revolutionary. So back off, kool-aid haters. This is the good work. Fight the power. Besides, kool-aid now contains vitamin C supplements. Healthy AND Kool.

(There are a lot of really boring forms, okay? Seriously, I'm a smarter person than this)