How to get diaper rash cream out of your child's hair in 1000 easy steps

I am writing this because I wish desperately that someone would have made a blog like this this morning. It probably won't be terribly interesting for those of you who don't have to deal with this.


So your toddler applied an inch thick layer of zinc based diaper rash cream to their little body, eh? Anyone who has ever come into contact with this stuff KNOWS.... They KNOW that you could waterproof a loaf of bread with this. It is the most sinister, hopeless and single most difficult substance to remove from hair on this earth. Crude oil is easier to remove from your child's bouncing follicles of joy (dawn dish detergent). Especially if you have a girl and don't want to shave her head and have her look like a circa 1865 Irish orphan. It seems to attach to hair follicles on an atomic level.

I've found a solution, and for a mere $30, I'll email it to you. Just kidding, (unless you are here specifically looking for a solution because like me, you googled this. You'll send me the $30 once this works for you out of gratitude). None of the solutions I googled worked... but a SERIES of solutions did.

My daughter did this today. In 45 seconds, a flash, she dug her pink little fists deep into the canister of wretched bum cream and began to paste herself, efficiently and with purpose. She could give lessons to the military on how to apply bum cream to their hair and body with critical speed and accuracy.

This is the substance that is designed to keep baby's delicate skin from being burned from the inevitable hours of urine ammonia that it is exposed to until the glorious day that they are potty trained. Got a leak in your submarine? This is your stuff. I really think that the military could benefit from the use of it somehow. Like drop bum cream bombs on the enemy. Nobody gets killed, yet it is still terribly inconvenient and labor intensive to remove. They will surrender.

Anyhow, enough talking about it. Don't take all of your ant-depressants just yet, this can be dealt with. Roll up your sleeves, here is how I got it out:

Supplies: Lard, baking soda, vinegar, lemon juice, coca cola classic (name brand, not pepsi or other kinds), baby shampoo, a fine toothed comb, Dawn brand dish detergent, baby soap, clean dishcloths that you can part with, old towels, a sense of humor, booze.

Step one: Find your toddler:

"Mommy, a MUSS"

Now, it doesn't look like she has a ton of diaper cream in her hair in this photo, but keep in mind that I had to get her from this spot downstairs to the top of the stairs and get her undressed and into a bath. That is about two entire extra minutes that she had to get some prime smearing in. I didn't have time to photo document it as well as I might have liked while dealing with Miss Greased Lightning 2010 here.

First, though, wipe the ointment off of her tongue and give her a drink. Then you can begin.

Step Two:

If you saw the back, you would understand the depth of this. I was a little too preoccupied to do a full photographic spread.

Put your toddler in very warm water (not hot, obviously). At this point, pretend that there is no diaper cream in your child's hair and concentrate on getting it off of her arms & hands to reduce further smearing. You'll find that soap alone is not getting it off of her.

Use the lard and then dish soap. Not shortening; use non-vegan, animal fat lard (like tenderflake but no name lard is fine). Lard is miraculous for removing petroleum based layers of guck from children. Even road tar comes off your child like a dream with lard. A stick of lard is like a Mr Clean Tar-Eraser.

Drain the tub, take your baby out of it and clean it with scalding water.

Refill the tub. Put child back in new tub of warm water and wash her again with baby soap.

Step 3- Starting to deal with the hair.

Start by shampooing with regular baby shampoo and a fine toothed comb to get as much out as possible. You'll probably have to drain and refill the tub again after this. Lots of draining and refilling.

Next, you want to make a paste out of 1 tbsp vinegar, 1 teaspoon baking soda and one tablespoon of lemon juice. Work it into a lather and leave it in your child's hair for 2 minutes, wash that out with dishsoap. Rinse with water. Don't condition it.

Take your child out of the tub, dry them off and give them a break from being scrubbed. Their hair will still be horrendous. You will still be able to shape it like it is made of plasticine.

This is pretty intense for a toddler and she'll need a break. Let her hair dry. Once her hair is dry, completely coat it in lots of baking soda to absorb some of the oil. Let her run around and play with the baking soda in her hair. The longer it's in, the better. At least 15 minutes.

Why did powdered wigs EVER go out of style??




Step 4:

Run another bath. deposit your toddler. Don't get her hair wet with water just yet. Rinse the baking soda out with Coca Cola Classic. Pour it over her hair (cover her eyes with a face-cloth) and lather it with the baking soda. Rub your fingers gently into the baby's scalp for about a minute. Don't rinse.

Next shampoo her hair with DAWN dish detergent. ( I am not endorsing dawn because they are sending me money, I am endorsing it because it is oil based and is the most effective in removing petroleum products from hair/feathers etc. It's what they use to clean the crude oil from baby ducks.) **PS, I'm usually a no-name brand sort of gal.

Honestly, repeat the coke/dawn step about 4 times then shampoo with baby shampoo. Again, don't condition (I made the mistake).

Tada!

This should just about take care of it. I think I'm going to have to use dawn/coke one more time later, but it is basically all out. I will do that after dinner because she's getting ever so slightly irritable with having things poured onto her.

It's still a little greasy, but at least you can go out in public and old women won't accost you for having a child who's hair has clearly not been washed ever in her entire life.

To clean your tub, use boiling water to melt most of the petroleum that has now built up into a slimy sludge. Vinegar & baking soda or your regular cleaner should take care of it after that.

Step Five: (The most important step)
Put children to bed, drink an entire bottle of wine and be grateful that it was not poop.