Strawberry for Shanni.

It's 5 months later and I suspect that the wind is never going to stop being knocked out of me whenever I am confronted with something that shoves her back to the front of my mind: which is almost everything. I'm probably not ever going to actually heal up. Hopefully, I'll stop being terrified that it will happen again. Maybe I just have to live with having this horrible thing being stirred up from the bottom of my very most base fears all the time. I don't know.

So I got a tattoo today for her. I was going to get a ribbon to represent chordoma, but for me- that represents the terrible monster that took her away. I thought about getting a blue balloon tattooed on me, but to me that represents letting go of her. I don't want to ever do that, not really. Maybe that's my trouble. So I got a strawberry because to me, it represents her charm and the way she turned me into a complete fool.

She was mildly allergic to them. They were her FAVOURITE. The situation was much too sad. So I let her have them. I ALWAYS let her have them. (So did everybody else, I've since learned, even her mama.. haha). But my heart was mush when she looked so terribly sad that I couldn't stand it.

Just like I can't stand this.