Breathing in Spite.

So I think I've found my writing voice again. This is a relief. All of the happy kind of drained out of me last year after losing my beautiful 16 year old niece, suddenly to cancer. Stupid fucking cancer. This is something that had never touched my life before. I didn't think it would, I hadn't really considered it. Up until now, I've had some heartaches but nothing like that blow. I thought that I was pretty tough, you know? I am pretty tough but not that tough. Every now and then it rears back up and kicks me square in the chest. It knocks me to the ground and steals my breath sometimes. It truly physically does.

I lost my voice, my inspiration, my perspective while I worked this out and tried to recover. It's not all worked out by a long shot, but maybe one day there will be an end to the big, impossible knot that has tangled itself around my heart.

She took my breath then and she's always going to take it.

I feel like a different person a year later. After crawling part of the way back up this hill, I feel 20 years older. I'm more afraid and I am more aware of the people around me who can be here and gone in that horrible flash that leaves you shocked and spinning until you fall down. It takes a while to recover and stand back up, I guess. Everything is different now. I categorize things now. Important, not important; ugly & beautiful; now & never. I have no time for ugly and I have no time for unimportant. I am also more sure that life needs to be less complicated.

Every now and then, when I am out, I catch glimpses of her in strangers. It used to horrify me, but anymore I am glad that she's imprinted in me and unforgettable. I've stopped wondering why it happened. There is no reason for it. It's a waste and serves no purpose. I just have to move forward and stop trying to salve the anger with reasons.

So I'm happy to be back and I appreciate, very much my readers. Thanks for hanging in there during the big slump. I've been blogging in one form or another since about 2004 and I am glad to be able to contribute to the crazynet sometimes. I'm not looking for condolences, I honestly can't stand to take any more. This wasn't supposed to be a vent about loss, it originally started as a thanks for clicking follow and leaving comments sometimes.

So thanks for that.

Isn't she wonderful?