In which I Announce the Winner of the Sock Zombie.

For fairness, I let my kid do the picking from THIS glorious mug of Neil's that I pilfered from his office of animator wonders and treasures:



Also, I let him choose because I hand-cut each entry and placed them into the mug, shook it up and then couldn't fit my manhands into it to retrieve a paper. I should have thought this through. (Sciency-Mathy term about judging measurement) is not my forte.

Here he announces the winner and complains about my handwriting:

Congratulations to KEEPEE-YAN YON AWACK..

You da winna. That's right. Yes- That's how I announced it. You da winna. Say it with me. ya da wanaa. yer der werner. Yer wern... What is wrong with me? Nameless entrant and twitter buddy, 'KeepingYouAwake', who swears to me that he is a deformed freak and only needs a homemade flair button maker to complete him, will hopefully be solaced with a sock monster. Alas, I have no homemade button maker to offer.


Some highlights from his house-of-horrors collection:

"The Wooden Boy. He holds his bowl laboriously, full of fake mustaches. Carved from a single piece of wood, and I am not positive he's not really alive."

The fact that this is used as a fake mustache holder really just goes to show that everything has a use.

"Classic Car Dash for your wall. This is a GIANT art piece, made to look like the interior of a classic car. It has working dimmable dash lights, a working clock and (drumroll) a functional stereo and speaker."

I want this for my wedding.

"A plaster cast of Falstaff from Shakespeare fame. Won this in a random auction box once. Everyone needs a fat guy getting drunk for their desk."

It reminds me of my Dad... who isn't even drunk, nor does he have a beard. But he does take vacation photos of himself comparing his belly to Buddha and such and then puts them on the foozebook, so.. some of these things explain my personality.

So, Guy with no name, Email me your address and stuff and I'll send this dude out. Everyone , go to his website and read the rest of the entry, though. High-larious. These are only three of I think... 34.

I have preeminent guilt for not having consolation prizes for everyone. Like... everyone should get a ribbon. I lived for those when I was a kid and we had to do track meets. Look! I got 8 ribbons! All were green and said 'participant' and were jauntily cut with pinking shears at the bottom, except once when I got 3rd place in high jump. THAT one went on my bedroom wall, framed by my NKOTB posters and album cover (yes- stuck to the wall with a sewing pin) for the Chanda the Zoo's baby Elephant single that my sister bought for me as a souvenir on her class trip to Calgary. Highly sought after. I cherished the crap out of it.

♪ ♫When Kamala found out she was going to be a mooother
She blurted out the news to Bandara the faaaather
And all the animals honked and hooted to each oooother
The zoo is gonna have a baby elephannnnnnt!

Chaaanda the zoo's baby elephant
Born in the mammal house, right in his element
Born here in Calgary and that's very releeeevant
'Cause that makes him an honorary Calga-rary resident
Chandaaaaaaa♪ ♫ ♫

I listened to it a lot, clearly, since I can still recall the lyrics perfectly and instantly. Jealous? Okay maybe I still sing it a lot. Whatev. You don't know me. You don't know what I've been through. Oh right, this has nothing to do with the contest- except that I've made a participant ribbon hoard-award so that all the successful participants can place it into their blog and happily show their depressed parents the communist prize in mediocrity:


I will say that the hand chosen runner up by me, who wins nothing but a wince, though, is KRISTEN, who submitted a portrait of her husband; a terrible portrait of her husband; THIS portrait of her husband:

Nice right? No it isn't. But here is the interesting news about that: It was painted by, in prison by, lovingly by, commissioned by...... John Wayne Gacy (!). I know, I nearly fell into my oatmeal when I read this. Read the story here. This is her husband- painted by Gacy. Think about that. What do you do with a possession such as this? You leave it at a church, that's what. You just take it straight to a church and tell them that your soul is tainted from touching it. There, they will pour holy water all over it, but it will burst into flames and the holy water will just evaporate leaving it intact and stuck to your hands, so you'll try throwing it into a river, but it doesn't sink. It just hovers over the water and flies back to your wall. Right in your dining room. Then Christopher Lloyd breaks through the wall in green dry-icy-smokey-light and tells you that he is looking for this painting for his boudoir, since he's the antichrist. So you get a crow bar and you hit it and hit it and curse it and hit it and jump on it, but NOTHING HAPPENS, or maybe you get sucked into the painting and you have to sit there beside Kristen's husband, badly painted by a serial killer for all eternity. It is just too creepy for this universe. The brown burning flames in the background are an interesting touch, though. You know, it IS pretty neutral and would go with almost any decor.

You know, Kristen says it doesn't look much like her husband. Do you know why, Kristen? Because it looks like John Wayne Gacy minus the mustache. I think it's actually a self portrait and you could definitely sell it on ebay as such. Put them beside each other and you'll see it. Do it.

Maybe he could have like, set up an art stand in the park or something instead of serial killing everyone. That would have been a much more positive outlet.

Anyway, you all are lucky that I was drawing names from el homely purple mug, because that would have been the hands down, undisputable champion of creepy possessions and there were some pretty questionable entries- the highlights of which are to follow. It'll be like the closing ceremony of the the Fuglympics where we all unite and celebrate the diversity of our hoarding disorders.

Thanks for participating you guys! This was great! I can't wait to think up a new contest.

Also, sorry you didn't win, Mom! I did put your name in- since I KNOW what kinds of things you own *cough* drunk cowboy lamps*... *cough* clowns to watch your guests in the guestroom*..... *cough* man sized skeletal robot that you bought for my 5 year old child while I was in the hospital to place beside his bed, insisting that we keep it because you paid $20, even though it gave us all night terrors and said, "We. are. Friends." and had bare eyeballs.... *cough* panda painting from roadside fleamarket, he which now that I think about it, might have also been painted by a serial killer in prison. I know though, you like it.

*EDITED TO ADD- Also, I must have picked up the consolation prize idea from Will in my travels. Credit due for genius gathered.