This morning he got very upset with me because his sister's lunch had yogurt in it and that made it bigger than his lunch. You can see the problem here.. He doesn't like yogurt and it comes home warm, wasted and uneaten appx 103% of the time, but that is entirely beside the point. He clings to his new household moniker of garbage guts like it's his glorious, crowning achievement and life's work completed. Nobody else is allowed to have more food. He takes it personally. Whether or not he likes yogurt- That's not the point, you see. We just don't get him. No we don't. Help us.
Kid: *suspicious face* Uhhh.... Why is HER lunch bigger than mine? I am working on my new fat roll. I've grown and used my last one all up. I should have the bigger lunch. This makes no sense. No sense at all.
Me: Hers is bigger because you don't like yogurt. You want a yogurt? Here. Have one! Now you also have a peach yogurt making your lunch the exact same size. The fate of your future fat roll is well insured.
Kid: Well I have chili and she has a sandwich..
Me: Uh huh.... You have buttered bread AND chili and yogurt and a granola bar and fruit and cookies and money for chips later. Plus you said that you are sick of sandwiches.. so I put chili in. Because it's your favourite thing. You're welcome??
Kid: She has strawberry milk and I don't.
Me: That's basically for two reasons. The first is that we obviously love her more and that can be clearly measured through meticulously quantifying your lunch sizes, the second is that you are signed up for the chocolate milk program at your school and she doesn't get chocolate milk at hers... So she takes milk in her little milk container. All kids have milk?- CHECK.
Kid: *thinking of more reasons to prove that the entire world is conspiring to starve him to death* Well I'm the one who is growing. Remember? I ate an adult sized portion of fettucine alfredo last night AND a loaf of bread AND a salad AND ice cream??
Me: I remember because I paid for all of that. You poor thing. Secondly, your sister also grows so that isn't the most sound argument I've ever heard... Why don't you waltz over to the pantry and pick out more stuff and put it in your lunch yourself if you find that the service here is inadequate?
Kid: WELL I WOULD but I can't fit any more food into my (giant) lunch kit.
Me: *tap tap* Kids are starving all over the world. There are kids going blind in sweatshops painting your heroscape game pieces...... Some kids don't get lunches.. You have both of your arms, 29387429384729342323 more analogies about worldwide pain and horrible suffering.
Kid: *blink* *blink* *looking over at the tv with one eyeball, keeping the other one fixed on me*
Me: I saw your eye wandering. I know you're not listening..... hey..... helllooooo???.... KID..... hey..... PSSST... HEY!
Kid: ......Huh? I was listening.
Me: Guess what! You are officially old enough to make all of your own lunches! Congratulations. You've passed the teenager self entitlement test. If we have to keep making your lunches, we're going to also start including love notes written to you on the backs of your baby pictures, cut out to be heart shaped. You know the baby picture I'm talking about... you're wearing Grandma's purple high heels and you're naked and you're wearing a huge straw hat, watching TV... It's SO cute! Or maybe the one of you in your homemade Robot halloween costume from grade one!....
Baby wipe box feet! Dryer vent legs! SO Cute :)Kid: You wouldn't dare.....
Me: Oh I would. Your imaginary audience will LOVE it.
Kid: *silence*
Me: WAPOW!! *flexing arms/walk like an Egyption dance* Now scamper off to school you little munchkin, before I drive you there dressed like-A-THIS! *displaying Neil's beer print pajamas & Robo-Roach Sweatshirt, Vanna White style, moving on to my morning hair as previously discussed here*.... And don't forget to have a wonderful day!
Time for my victory coffee.
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