As God Is My Witness... She Will Be Potty Trained Before College!

I am coming to you from my kitchen table where I just ate my daughter's waffles after I vowed to not eat a stitch of food today because I have somehow packed on a few "winter" pounds in the past few weeks.

Thank God for sweatshirts...

Anyway, I am in the throws of potty training... the trenches of toilet procedures.... up to my elbows in little butts.... and I am pulling my hair out!

My little one refuses to use the potty chair. That is right, she outright REFUSES! She has YET to even put a little drop of tinkle in that chair-and the amazing thing is, that if she did tinkle in there she would discover that a little song will play and it will probably scare the shit out of her as well! Two birds-one stone.

I don't know why I am failing at this-I mean, I have successfully potty trained 3 other children, and several dogs. How hard can this be? Why am I forgetting how to do this? Is it true that breast feeding does suck your brains right out of your boobs and after 4 kids I am finally destined to ride on the short bus?

Sigh...

My first child was a dream to potty train-but aren't the first children a dream to get them to do anything... they are so perfect. That is where God gets you to have more children-he fools you with the perfect one first and then you decide to have a second which is NOTHING like the perfect first born... but somehow the second one tugs at your heart strings and you think about having another-God's way of fooling you AGAIN! The third is the drama filled one that makes you vow to never have "relations" for fear that more tantrums will ensue (your own, not the children's') until one fateful night with Tequila and cold medicine that messes up your ovulation schedule and you say something like "I'm fine... sreallys, I vovulated lassssst weeek." and before you know it you are potty training child number FOUR and have forgotten all of your tricks and rules and you have become a push over from all of the children working on your mental stability day in and day out for all eternity!

Big Sigh...

It is like she is outsmarting me. Her bladder must be the size of a whales because she can hold it for an entire morning-sitting in wait for me to have to put that diaper on her because we are out of milk and she knows that I will have to take her to the store. We have been out of milk now for 5 days because I have refused to leave the house with her for fear that she will pee in her diaper! We are also out of toilet paper-but paper towel works in a pinch and I'll be DAMNED if I won't stand my ground!

She usually has an "accident" and I am using the word "accident" reluctantly because she always does it on the hardwood kitchen floor. I figure she does it this way because she has seen the dog sit out in the cold for HOURS after she has peed on the carpet.

So I am coming to you all... my trusted friends who have done it all, seen it all, and achieved it all! Do you have any secrets for me to use to get her to tinkle on the toilet?

PLEASE!!!!! I will try anything right now-I am willing to even try electric shock therapy (on myself of course!)

Don't fail me now Six-Packers.... I am sending up the bat signal, which is in the shape of a toilet-not a bat, and counting on you!

Kthanksbye!