Rogers Cable Has Turned into Willy Wonka's Nightmare Boat Ride.

So there is a new channel on Roger's Cable, readers.  I'd like to review it for you.   I like to keep my finger on the pulse of what is happening in entertainment news; what's hip.  I like to keep my readers informed.

You know those soothing channels that feature sunsets or aquariums or fireplaces perpetually on loop?  It's one of those.  Soothing sights and sounds for your soul to soak in after a long day.   You can sit back and read, leaving it on in the background as you relax, feeling satisfied and fulfilled.

Neil promised me when we switched to cable that it would be every bit as good as digital satellite, if not better.  I was with him.  I was with him on this readers, but my hackles are going up a little lately.  I'm getting worried about the state of Roger's cable, you guys.  Something is happening.  It's losing its edge, maybe.  This new channel that they agreed to take on is making my eyes look that suspicious way at my tv.

We had just finished watching a particularly spectacular movie called, "Monsters" starring none other than the indomitable Scoot McNairy.   It was kind of like Cloverfield meets Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, only with more Mexicans and more glowing in the dark tentacles. The writer also had a thing for making the leading lady pee behind places.   Just as like... a dose of reality or something.  Real women have to pee sometimes.   It made it all very real for me.   All I'm saying is Oscar Buzz.

Beware of Monsters, Everyone.

Anyhow, afterward I was a little distracted, chatting with my friend, Susan on my blackberry when Neil got my attention:

Neil:  Close your eyes, do you hear that?

Me: WTF are you watching?

Neil:  It sounds like rain on the beach [makes his own thunder sounds.  Unconvincing ones, by the way.  Well,  if thunder whooshes, I guess they were pretty good sounds.]

Me:  It doesn't sound like rain on the beach, it sounds like sizzling fat and you going "whooooosh". 

Neil:  Yeah, but close your eyes.  Imagine it's rain.

Me:  I am closing my eyes because whatever is happening on television right now is assaulting them.  Not because I am imagining a beach.  How long is this commercial?

Neil:  It's not a commercial, Michelle.  It's a whole channel.

Me:  You LIE, Neil.  You lie to me.


Neil:  I thought you liked these soothing theme channels?  Isn't it part of you being 233 years old?

Me:  I don't have a real aquarium anymore [a single tear falls down my cheek as I stare off into the distance, remembering my beloved pet fishies, Flushy and Albino Pete of many years ago].  I have to watch the aquarium channel sometimes in remembrance.

Neil:  Sometimes?  Is that why I caught you sprinkling garlic on top of the television?

Me:  I didn't have any fish flakes.

Anyhow, I'm getting off topic about the Channel.  The Channel is what is important.

Now I bet you're all looking for clarification.  You're all like, huuuuuh???  What is this channel, Michelle?  You have to tell me more!!   Let me just start by saying that this whole new channel is a gross continuation in my current paranoia and disgust with North American food exploitation:  There is a channel, Readers; an entire channel on Roger's Cable Service here in Canada and it is devoted entirely to this:

That's the actual channel.  You can watch the flesh of six chickens roast on a spit allllll day and alllll night if you want to.  ALL DAY long.  Channel number 208.  Seriously.   This is for real.  Couldn't they also have a gravy stirring channel?  A potato salad spoiling channel?  A dentures-in-a-glass channel?  An old women trying on lipstick at Shopper's Drug Mart channel, perhaps?  A spying on the Neighbor Channel?  Or how about an apartment lobby surveillance channel or a homeless people smoking outside the shelter channel?  How about a clowns crying channel?  We could watch it loop and loop as we vacuum our living rooms!

How about an entire channel devoted to overweight people walking around in Winkers Pants:

I don't know.  Maybe winkers would be a bit too exciting for 24/7 viewing, so just this evening, I came up with some pretty good Roger's Cable Exclusive channel ideas myself:

No, in the end, I guess that there is just nothing like the soothing crackling of 6 spit roasting chickens;  their skin curling and falling off, blackening before your eyes as the fat rolls and rolls around them, occasionally the fat from the top chickens drips down onto the lower chickens, mixing all their fat into a hypnotic visual orchestra of slow spinning, affordable dinner.  It is mesmerizing.   I want to sit by the television and work on puzzles all week long in front of it.

Actually, I may be a vegetarian now. 

Good for you, Rogers, you are pioneers in the untapped land of tranquil television.  Customers demand good TV and in this day and age, with the internet to compete with, you have to really diversify.  What I am just a smidgen concerned about though, are the people who are actually tuning into this and watching it and liking it. They are out there, Readers, salivating in front of their gross chicken channel as they hoard glad containers and bones and such.  I am making squinted, suspicious eyes at YOU now, Reader.  I am judging you.  Know that I am; but it is a kind sort of judging.  I judge you because I care about you.   I want you to really think about how you got to this place in your life where you like the chicken roast channel, you know?

Let's start by going outside and taking some deep breaths.