Stuck In A Moment

I have had 13 month challenge to myself to do a post everyday on Post Apocalyptic Bohemian, & on rare occasion I fail. Missing a post makes me feel bad, & if by any chance I have readers that look everyday & notice, then I am regretful & embarrassed.


18 months ago, I saw my physician for some problems that I was having. I was diagnosed with depression &  I started on a medication- Wellbutrin. After about 12 weeks, I really did notice a difference. I still felt everything I had been feeling, & I continued to have issues that I had to face & deal with, but the medication just seemed to take the edge off of the heaviness that I was being oppressed by.


In July 2009, my company chose a different health insurance provider, & in the process I lost my primary care physician who I loved. Not only did I like & trust my doctor, but his clinic was close to where I lived, & he was easy to get an appointment with, often on the same day.


It was too daunting to choose a new physician from the online directory on the website of the new provider. How does one jut blindly pick someone as important as your doctor? So… I did nothing.

In the past few weeks, the depression as reared its very ugly head, despite the meds, I felt the return of the crushing feeling. It manifests itself like a giant boot that makes a shadow on my life & then starts to slowly crush me. I feel a heaviness & a deep sadness. I have a family history of this problem. My mother's sister & brother killed themselves & her mother had severe mental problems in an era when medical science did not deal with as they do now. Luckily, maybe because I have been trained as an actor, & probably because it has always comes easily to me, I have been able to adopt a work “persona” that is upbeat, creative, & achievement oriented. My work colleagues would be shocked to know that I have any problems at all.

At the Husband's urging, & because I knew it had to be done, I blindly choose a new doctor. I asked for any M.D. at the clinic closest to my house. I was told that there was an appointment available the first week of May! I could go to a clinic in another county or another state, but I would have to wait to see someone close at hand.


While treading emotional water waiting for this future appointment, I rather slipped into my old habit of manifesting the depression with long sessions of sleep (some people suffering from depression have trouble sleeping. I could sleep all day), jags of complete helplessness, & a bunch of crying. I got stuck in a moment. I found writing a post to be an overwhelming task. I found dealing with my life to be overwhelming, much less sharing something about me with readers & fellow bloggers. As my good close friend, drinking mate & occasional lover- Bono said:


I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
& now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
& you can't get out of it.


I am trying to get back to famous gay people birthdays & some anecdotes from my nefarious past. I hope you didn’t miss me… well, actually I hope you did miss me. I missed you.

Oh, & by the way... I like puppies: