The Time my Childhood was given closure at Staples Office Warehouse.

Me working the training panties circa 1981. I've always been a genius.

When remembering back to your childhood, there is always that one item that stands out in your mind. That unattainable thing that maybe you couldn't afford or your parents didn't know you wanted it so badly that you could just spit or you just couldn't find one. It remained out of your reach even though your friends had one, your cousins had one, everyone had this thing except you. Oh how you yearned for it. How you hid in the corner of your friends' homes, visiting it, hypnotized, imagining that it was your own item. Even now, sometimes you think back to it and keep your eyes open for that part of your childhood that washed away before you ever got to realize the joy of owning it.


Maybe it was their boy cabbage patch, Adolf-Brandon; maybe it was their snap-on bracelet collection; maybe it was their kitten in a rose t-shirt, embellished with clacking corn-row style beads along the sleeves and bottom. Was it their picture of blond Jesus that changed to the shroud of Turin when you looked at it from another angle and then back to Jesus again, following you with its eyes everywhere you went in their freaking house, because clearly the people who designed the Disneyland Haunted Mansion also dabble in novelty religious home decor and you couldn't stop yourself from crawling back and forth in front of it even when it was time to eat your friend's Mom's weird cooking? Really, Mrs C? Hamburger Helper with scrambled eggs in it? Was it the broken dryer that you got to play inside of in your cousin's carport; the blobs of caulking between the logs of their otherwise beautiful log home that your friends' parents glued googly-eyes onto, so it looked like giant, yellow, wonk-eyed worms were climbing around on their walls? Perhaps it was your friend's uncle's pet tarantula, Webster, that caused you to feel pangs of jealousy; caused you to feel covetous.

Hold still, Webster. Mommy wants to take your picture.
Hang on... something isn't right.

There we are. Such a handsome little manny. Now... smile!

This, Readers, happened to me. (Except contrary to what you might now believe, I didn't long for a tarantula. I find them nightmarish, except when they have little old man bowties and smile for their pictures. I was just trying to think of actual things I remember seeing at other kids' houses that I thought you, as my readers, might have longed for. I am a very empathetic person. EMpathetic.)

So I was at Staples Office Supply Warehouse the other day, looking for something for my toddler to do. It's winter and we're feeling cooped up (which you might have guessed, given the caliber of my recent blog entries). We looked at the array of crayons and fingerpaints, stamps and stickers. We'd considered the smelly markers, but we decided that I didn't want to scrub them out of the curtains later. So we settled on a Princess and the Frog magic marker coloring dealio and started making our way over to the cashier when something twinkled from behind a stack of Christmas post-its on the 50% off bargain display. There is was. All by itself. The last one.

Memories began to rush over me: sitting in my cousin's room not socializing because I was looking at their.... Sitting on my friend's couch, not socializing because I was completely engrossed for God know how long with their... with their... with their..... Sneaking into my other friend's parents room, not socializing because beside their bed was a.. was aaa....

"What is this I see behind the paper at Staples? Hot pink... a little too small.... that's okay... it's okay... can it be? Why SELF! Is it? It is. I can close another chapter in my life! I'm having a hot flash or something... It's a real and true soothing-flowing-sand-window-flipping-over-picture-thing... with the bubbles.... and the 3 colors of sand.. in the window.... *BREATHE*.. beautiful sand pictures..... flipping it over.... can't believe it.....,Self... look for a price tag, calm down.... no price tag... that's okay.. that's okay, we'll just take it to the cashier and ask is all. We can figure this out. The cashier will know.... Get your coloring book, Eleanore."




And we walked with purpose over to the cashier.

"How much is this sand frame thing? There is no price tag. It's says 50% off." *pleaaaaase oh pleaaaase be under $11*

"I'll scan it for you.. just a moment."

*world goes into slow motion*...




*scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan *

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

*Cashier begins to talk in that deep, slow motion voice*

"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit'ssssssssssssssssssssssssss...."

*i am sweating and stepping from one foot to the other*

".....twwwoooooooooooooo dolllllllllllllllerrrrrrsss...........

*come on come on*

".......aaaaand foooooooooooooooorty ssssssssssevvvvvvvvvennnnnnn...

*OMG*

"ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeents."

*OMG*

"GASP! DID YOU SAY $2.47?"

"Yes."

"For THIS SAND THINGY????!?!?!?"

"Uh.. yes."

"HA! HA! *wheeze* HHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!"

"Did you want to buy it?"

*regains aloof outer composure... don't screw this up, Self...*


"For $2.47? Psh. Whatever. I guess so. The kids will like it, am-I-right?"

"Your total is $6.43".

"I have that much money."

"That's good. Debit?"

"CASH."

*hands her a crisp ten dollar bill while arching one eyebrow*

"And don't forget to give me my change" *removing my sunglasses like Horatio on CSI Miami.

Pretend this is me.

So anyhow, I got it home and ripped it out of the little box and ever since then, it has become my new favourite show. Here are some photos I've taken of it:It's like the beach and hey.. a giant conch shell displayed behind it? How'd that beautiful thing get there?

This is the time I bet Neil that the top sand wouldn't touch the bottom pyramid sand and lost.

Owning this is everything I'd ever dreamed it would be for my whole life... And get THIS: Neil has never heard of one of these. Now we've developed rules for it.

The Rules:
1. Only the most patient Samurai can resist shaking it so that the sand will move faster. Even if it's caught on a bubble and it's going to take FOREVER to make a picture.
2. You only get two turns in a row to flip it.
3.Tapping the table to make the bubbles move over counts as cheating.
4. No tipping it.
5. You can't stare at it until your chores are done.
6. When the top sand meets the top of a pyramid (as indicated previously).. you win.

Now, if I could just find a penguin racer.

Up up up....down down down...up up up...downdowndown.....