You Big Baby!

The other day when I was at the Doctor, she was trying to figure out my due date (even though I know exactly when this baby was conceived-I was there.) There have been some clerical differences recorded on this matter and she wanted to get it right-you know, because babies always follow their due date schedule. Anyway, she finally decided that May 3 is the actual date-which I had been telling her for 20 minutes. I guess she is one of those people who have to figure things out on their own... I live with a person like that. I can tell my husband "Look, that truck is red!" and he will have to look at the truck, take a sample of the truck paint, analyze it, call other men to discuss the paint color and then finally decide that yes, the paint is indeed red... but I digress.

We finally got down to business and my Doc pulled out her trusty measuring tape. Now, this always strikes me as funny. It is like they are going to hem the baby's pants and they want to make sure they have it right. I feel like I am consulting a seamstress on the progress of my pregnancy rather than an educated OB. When she finished measuring me she said "WOW, you are big!" Honest to God she said that. Now, if I was a weaker person this would have hurt me, but I was OK with it. I know I am big--I am having a BABY for goodness sake-what am I supposed to be skinny? Plus, I wanted to say "No shit Sherlock." But I didn't. Then the Doc said, "Oh, but you are measuring right where you are supposed to be." So I took that as I am supposed to be big and I could get on with my day-thank you.

http://laurathecrazymama.blogspot.com/ Laura and I were talking the other day about baby sizes. She has had some whoppers let me tell ya! One was over 10lbs! That just makes me cringe. I have had my fair share of big ol' babies. Both my oldest and my son were 8 lb. 12 oz. and our little one was 8lb. 11oz. So I figure this baby will be around the same. I love to hear of babies that weigh 5lbs, or even 7 lbs... because I think--man, I bet that is so much easier! I mean, having a 6 lb. baby would be like a walk in the park in my opinion--seriously! I do not mean to belittle anyone who has these little babies, and who only gain24 lbs during pregnancy and who only say one little peep while pushing and then it is all over with--because the baby is so stinking little. No, I am jealous of you! I fantasize about having a healthy baby that only weights 7lbs, just to see if it hurts less on the way out~

I am the lady on the maternity ward that the other moms hear screaming, and then grab hold of their Anesthesiologist and say "Do whatever you have to do to make me feel nothing!" During the birth of our first baby, my husband even had the nerve to shush me because he thought I was being too loud. From that day on, the rule has been that he is not allowed to talk during any of my labors. I watched the "Baby Story" on the television the other day and there was a mom who came in with her hair all styled, her nails all perfect and when it came to popping out that baby, she just squeaked a couple of times and the baby was out. I thought this only happened in the movies! In my real life I have hair plastered to my head, my blood vessels are popping all over my face, I have what looks like a bird's nest in the back of my hair from all of the writhing, and eventually my head spins around... and that is just on the car ride to the hospital!

So, I have decided that this is all due to the fact that my babies are all over 8lbs. Heck, this baby is probably well over 7 lbs. right now and I still have 8 weeks to go. If I could somehow either dilate to 15, or have a little baby my labors may be easier. Darn that Eve I tell ya! I have said this before, but I think women got the raw end of the deal in the whole "Adam and Eve" situation. Let's look at this shall we? Eve is tempted and picks the apple--but does not bite first, no she takes it to Adam who is her husband and offers him the apple. Adam, obviously whooped by Eve's small hips and curvy legs decides to lead him and his wife into this temptation... and then he turns coward and blames the entire ordeal on Eve when God comes calling. God banishes them and tells Adam that he will have to sweat and work hard to toil the earth in order to live... and he tells Eve that she will have painful childbirth. ( I am aware that there is more to this story, but you get the idea). Well... the last time I saw my husband sweat and toil the earth is in the summer when he mows, and we actually have a lawn service. Men, somehow have gotten out of their punishment just like Adam tried with his finger pointing to Eve. Women on the other hand still have their physical punishment of labor. Sure, we can get epidurals or have a shot that makes the room look like a 70's flashback, but we are still pushing something the size of a watermelon through something the size of an orange! There is pain involved... and it usually lasts for about 18 years. Women don't get into these situations by themselves either-it takes a man saying "Hey, you are looking rather nice tonight." and then 9 month later we are in unspeakable pain. I bet if Eve decided to go shopping for some new vines to make a nice new hammock for her and Adam none of this would have ever happened, she would have forgotten about the whole "be as smart as God" thing and been excited about her new find. If only Eve had discovered her Paradise designing sense early on we would have all been spared the pain of childbirth. This is something all pregnant women dream about I am sure...