There was tinsel.... EVERYWHERE

So Christmas is over. This means I am instantly cranky with my Christmas tree. I loved the tree until the moment Christmas ended but now it sits in the dark corner like an unwelcome, drunken stranger, decorations falling loose as it leans to the left and glowers at me, festering in bitterness. Nobody even remembers to plug it in anymore.



"You don't have the balls to put me away", it sneers.

"Yeah. That's because they're all stuck to your cheap, fake branches". *zing*

"I wish I had real needles so that I could drop them all over your ugly carpet."

"I know it's ugly. It came with the house, okay!?"

"Yeah well, you could run a shampooer over it once in a while"

"What happened to you, Christmas Tree? Huh? You used to be beautiful. You used to bring me joy. Now you're a frothing wreck."

"Well I'm all used up, see? I'm done for. You don't need me anymore."

"Whine Whine Whine, Christmas tree. I've had it with you."

"Why don't you go put on some pansh?! HA!"

"Have you been drinking?"

"RUSTY NAILS, BABY. *hic*. I know what shide my breadsh buttered *hic* on..."

"You're hammered!"

Then it starts throwing Christmas decorations as we walk past, like a chimp throws its feces or Lindsay Lohan throws her shoes at the paparazzi (hits us in the head sometimes, too). We crawl through the living room like trench fighters, shielding ourselves with the empty gift boxes just to get to the kitchen, hurling insults back and forth.

"Shallow little LEECHES! You got your ipods and slippers, eh? NOW WHAT!?!?"
"You watch it, or I'll donate you to an outdoor Nativity project!"
"You wouldn't DAAAARE! I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!" *hurling balls and light bulbs*

"TAKE COVER, CHILDREN!"

*SMASH*

"YOU FOOLS! I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE THOSE ICICLE DECORATIONS!"
"MOM! IT'S IMPALED MY WEBKINZ"
"SAVE YOURSELVES!"
"GAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

I would just take it down, Readers, but apparently I have to clean the carpet in the living room on that day.. so I will avoid it until it falls into its hibernation period. Sometime in February, I'm thinking.

What.

*Hurray for Neil, saving the day with an original illustration for me.