The Jennifer Conspiracy.

Sometimes I have to find out what all the tizzy is about, so we watched a chick flick the other night. I know many women, bless their hearts, who love these shows. LOVE them; not that I would ever judge anyone *cough*. Anyhow, see if you can guess which one it was:

In the beginning, the couple seems stupendously happy. SO HAPPY together... but soon they discover that they have problems under the surface of their relationship. They discover this at a terribly crucial time in their lives, too: lets say on a vacation or just before a major life event like their wedding. They get into a heated argument over something ludicrously trivial and then *gasp* they break up for a brief period of time. She feels like they were not honest enough with one another, and it is very sad... and he just doesn't get it. What a dilemma!!! *tears*! Fortunately, however, being punished helps the man to 'get it' and he decides at the last minute to drop all of his personal values, work ethic & friends and just think the way the girl thinks he should instead of having any of his stupid mannish core values. WHEW! The ending is so satisfying!

They even make out on a bridge/building/in a hot air balloon or at the beach then cut to a montage of them in the future with their new baby or twins if they really want to make you squeal. There is possibly a puppy somewhere and his friends either just disappear into thin air OR marry her best friends! WHEEE!

Can you guess which one it was? No? You can't? Oh, that's because this is the formula for nearly every chick flick ever made. Ever. Especially ones starring: Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner and/or Jennifer Lopez. Ben Affleck, Matthew McConnaghy and or Hugh Grant are probably in a good 98% of them as well. Avoid these people.

No, girls. No. Even their highlights have frosting. Just looking at the ad is dangerous enough to cause Mr T to start menstruating. What does the T stand for? Tampons if he watches this double feature full of crazy.

Don't hurt Mr T, you guys.

Really, women? Is this what we reaaaally reaaaallly deep down want? We're supposed to get all weepy because the man in the movie sold out his personality on the whim of his shallow love interest? He realized at the end that he wasn't actually happy until he had a crazy woman to tell him what to do? Even though he was rich and had a giant man-fridge-chair and his dream job? Even I want that. MmMMmmm fridgechairs!

Chick flicks are about controlling people (men). Pretty much every female lead role in any given romantic comedy is pathologically controlling. Then women in the real world identify with this control-o-tron woman and get a tiny seed planted somewhere in their minds that this is how real relationships are supposed to go. You know it's been planted when couples leave a theatre after watching a chick flick and she is glaring daggers at her date/boyfriend/husband. "Why haven't you ever stolen a car and driven through rush hour in the wrong direction to give ME flowers, WAYNE?" Ut-oh! Crazy has been planted!

Stop doing this to yourselves, crazy people. Expecting random major sacrifices from your significant other after watching too many romantic comedies is like watching a Star Trek marathon and then making the decision to get a Klingon forehead implant while still in your stupor, then acting offended when people ask what happened to you in English rather than Klingon (because your honor is threatened when they do that, obviously). You get allll caught up in the excitement, but remember, enacting the things you've seen on TV might cause ripples in your real life. (Hey.... I'm going to tell Neil that if he loves me, he'll get a Klingon forehead implant. Just to see how far I can take it. What could go wrong? Just sorta kidding)

Isn't anyone else tired of this movie formula? I'm sure that these films impress even the most experienced of psychological torture experts. They make torture seem cute. Like babies.

PS.. it was Four Christmases.