An Open Letter to Yogurt.

Dear Yogurt,

Stop sitting in my freezer acting all smug.  You're not ice cream, YOGURT.  You're not made of 18% real cream and salt and sugar and vanilla and chocolate, so just quit looking all condescendingly at me because you work out sometimes.  Just because you're frozen, doesn't mean you're better than everyone.  "Oh look at me!  I'm all frozen!  Like Gelato! *giggle*"  Yeah.  I'm not fooled.  You're not Italian.  You were made in QUEBEC.  Yeah.  French Canadian Yogurt is not the same as Italian Gelato.  I'm not fooled.

And Ben and Jerry HATE you.  You don't have any skor bits OR a streak of fudge.  You're just slimy, frigid bacteria cultured dairy.  Yeah, I said it.  Frigid and not fun at all.  You're the IRS of frozen treats.  Can I pour brandied peaches on you, frozen yogurt??  No.  Because brandied peaches are too much work to go on yogurt.  Yogurt would be all, "Oh Em GEE, I don't drink!", where as ice cream,  ICE cream would be like, "Is that all you GOT?  Hit me again, Lover!"  Ice cream knows how to have a good time.  Ice cream is spontaneous, okay? Fun to be around;  it is there for pleasure and awesomeness.

But you, Yogurt?  You will always be planned.  You'll always be the third choice after real ice cream, and gelato (and ice cream sandwiches.. so 4th).  You will always be the reluctant decision.  Like choosing the cheaper, more practical rain boots over those awesome high heeled, fur lined, zippered in 9 places expensive ones that everyone would call you a whore for buying but you know they wish they had them.   Because you wish you had them, Yogurt.  I know you do.

You will always have real chunks of slimy fruit in you, and not even fermented fruit.  Just old wet fruit.  Just sittin' there being healthy.  Sittin' around telling me that I need to eat you because probiotics.  Crazy Jamie Lee Curtis endorses you.  You know who endorses ice cream? DAIRY QUEEN.  Yeah.  Practically Buckingham Palace.  Also my Granny.  WELL. I'll tell you right now, YOGURT.  Any time I have to be convinced to eat something by Jamie Lee Curtis, it's because it's not as good; telling me about her digestive health and stuff?  Yeah.  Now you sound about as appetizing as a barium enema, so stop pretending you're something you're not.

But my pants are tight, so get your gear, Yogurt.  Let's do this thing and get it over with while ice cream is away.

Kind Regards,
Michelle.


Also Readers?  If you want to read my article about Helena Bonham Carter from this morning over at Sprocket Ink, go here:  HERE.