OK, so something has been happening to me lately that I have not shared here because it is just too horrid. I think I have a disease or something, maybe a brain tumor, possibly mad cow, maybe even a chemical imbalance that causes me to be extremely dysfunctional... whatever it is, I am freaked out!
I saw signs of this before my pregnancy,but almost like magic it went away the instant that the egg traveled down the fallopian tube hand in hand with Mr. Stud Sperm (my husband requested that I use that name for his ever fertile, never lazy sperm). I basically forgot about my "diseased condition" and carried on with life-happy in my ignorance of what was spreading in my body.
A few weeks after the birth of Mary Claire, my symptoms returned! I was a mess. I did not know what to do so I kept trying different things to see if it was all in my head, or if I really did have mad cow, or crazy chicken, or pissed off pigeon.
I CANNOT DRINK BEER! I don't know why-I LOVE BEER! Every time I crack open a cold one and start chugging, within 30 seconds I get a headache. I am not talking a little headache like the one I say I have to keep my husband on his side of the bed so that I can watch reruns of Project Runway, nooooo, these are monster headaches! These are the type of headaches that I should be getting the morning after drinking beer, not seconds after a few sips.
For an Irish person, this is a very distressing thing. How am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to tell someone off and then call the next morning and apologize all whilst blaming the beer? How am I supposed to ever sing karaoke again? How am I supposed to survive any visit whatsoever with my mother in law???? Oh the injustice of it all.
I did share my concern of this disease with my cousin Steve and he told me that the same thing used to happen to him. Maybe it runs in our family-I don't know. Steve said that he had to switch to the hard stuff in order for the headaches to go away.
This made sense to me. Back when I was younger I used to drink Kamikazes... not in a little shot glass, no I drank a big ol' 8 ouncer with a straw! I never had a headache. I started thinking that maybe Steve was on to something. So what if I had blackouts and would sometimes wake up in the bathroom instead of in my bed (the bathroom mat can be an extremely comfortable blanket)... at least I did not get an instant headache.
Well, this past weekend I had a breakthrough... and I didn't have to go out and buy vodka, Captain, or even Jack. I had a glass of wine. A full glass. No headache. So I had another glass. Still no headache.
I WAS CURED! I got up out of my wheelchair and danced around the stage!
This is all new to me because I have never been a wine drinker. My mother loves to have a box of wine in her fridge and take little nips from it here and there (ever 20 minutes or so), but I never liked the taste of boxed wine (maybe because it is cheap and I am a high dollar kind of whino). So if you have a fabulous wine that you love and want to share the name of it-let me know. I will go directly to the liquor store where they know me by name and I always give Loise behind the counter a tip-someday she will be able to replace that tooth she lost in prison, and I will buy your favorite wine.
I still feel a little like a kid whose dog just got hit by a car (Beer) but his mom just brought home a new puppy (wine). It is a bittersweet ending to my love affair with beer. We have had some good times together, and the memories that I can remember... they are priceless. I just hope my new puppy (wine) does not end up peeing on the floor in the morning.
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